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Anxious, Angry and everything in between

I’ve been reading a lot of message boards and I’m sorry, but when I see someone complain that they’ve been trying to conceive for 6 months, it makes me angry.

When my own friends tell me, “why don’t you just be a Big Sister or volunteer at the Boys and Girls Club”, it makes me angry.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over 7 years. I’m older and that’s an issue and that’s why we have gone the egg donor route. It worked, only to have my body fail our sweet baby boy (I have an incompetent cervix, which I didn’t know and neither did ANY of the medical professionals along the way). He was perfect and on track, in fact, a couple days early in his development. He should have been born October 14, 2016. Instead, he was born May 19, 2016. Our hearts were completely broken. And when I told a friend that I didn’t necessarily feel like committing suicide, but that I wouldn’t care if I had died, she asked me why? A mother of two boys who has never had to go into the hospital pregnant and leave with no baby.

We had two 5-day blasts left frozen from that donor cycle and I just recently had one transferred. The doctor was very pessimistic about it. He had originally given us a 40% success rate, but said the eggs were not frozen properly (from a different clinic) and so dropped it down to 20% and then raised it back up to 30% when the blast survived the thaw and went on to continue its growth.

If this doesn’t work out, we only have one more chance and that’s IF the blast survives the thaw. After that, we have plans for adopting internationally. We had actually started the process at the same time of the donor fresh cycle, but then cancelled since I became pregnant, so we would be starting that back up again.

I’m worn out. I so desperately want to experience motherhood. I’ve always wanted it. But I’m worn out. I’m afraid that I may just give up. I’m afraid that I may just be one of those people that other people look at with pity. I hate those looks. The head side tilt. The furrowed eyebrows. STOP IT!!!

I’m sick of people telling me to just go and be a teacher and that I can still effect a child’s life. They can say these things because they have NO IDEA how I feel. They have children. THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FEEL!!! How could they?? They HAVE CHILDERN!!! They are the ones who tell me “well, if it’s in God’s plan…” F. U.

So, people are “blessed” with children and the ones who can’t have children… what? We were… what’s the opposite of “blessed”… “punished”??

I think I just need to get this out right now. Beta is on Friday. I have no symptoms to speak of. I believe the meds I’m on have given me a lot of random symptoms: sleepy on and off, crampy on and off, angry and sad on and off. I’m finding it hard to stay positive. We have just had so much heartbreak for over 7 years. I don’t think we would have this heartbreak if we just gave up and said F it.


7 years looking for a child is long enough. It also seems that you have not give n up yet. Keep on trying. I am sure there will be a blessing along the way. I know of couples who have gone 15 years TTC. Thy later became successful. It all need persistence and patience. Do not give up dear. Many people will talk because they do not know how it feels to deal with infertility. I was once in your road before. But I decided to go for my happiness. They were all about negativity concerning surrogacy. But when I tried it out. It was successful and I am now a parent. Bio tex clinic has the best infertility treatment. You can check more concerning them here

. I also know of a few others who came out successful in that clinic. Do not give up the joy of having your own child. There must be a way out. Try a good clinic with high success rate. I am sure they will sort you out.


You have truly gone through a lot. 7 years trying to conceive must have been difficult for you. How I do feel pity for everything taht you have gone through. But what I would advice is that you remain strong. I know of a couple that went 15 years trying to conceive before they finally successes. So sometimes the journey might take long. It is only those who are determined and patient. I was in a similar position like you before. But then I went to Bio tex clinic for surrogacy. And finally my dreams came to past. So what I can say is taht never lose hope. If things were meant to happen they will just happen. I do hope that this time things will work for you. Do not lose hope loved one.


So I can feel your plight. I actually cried when I read your comment. I was childless too time ago. (Through different circumstances comparing to yours.) Sounds you’d like to have more people around who have been through similar. I was always waiting for someone from my local support group to get in touch. I think you should do the same. Have you contacted support pages?
Not sure if I can be of any help to you but I do know issues can take a lot out of you. Your hormones are all over the place and definitely won’t be helping with how you’re feeling. I was at my most depressed when I was alone…Never let this yourself. Despite what you think just now going back to work may be the best thing you can do to keep you busy. You also need time to recover and then heal emotionally and mentally. It’ll all take time but you definitely need support. I’m here if you want some steam off. Stay strong.