Accepting my Azo condition


I read quite a few posts but was not sure whether i should ask for answers because i think my journey is as far i think i can go.

5 years ago, after we tried for a while, we saw the gynae. since my wife have give birth to 2 children in her previous marriage, she was quick to order a SA. the results was 0 count. we did a Klinfere test & i was ok. she told us she is not specialised in men’s. so i went to see a urologist. the urologist determined i have varicoele on both testicles. so i had both operated on. the urologist said that i had so many vessels to be closed that he took extra time to complete the operation. after the operation, there was much pain for a day or so. but there was no further improvement to my SA.

we were then referred the attached fertility clinic within the hospital. without understanding how bad my situation was, we tried IUI. i did many SA. the gynae told me they can try getting 10 samples and put them together for a IUI. it failed. so we were told to try IVF. i took some medication (which now i think is clomid). it was not working so the doc stopped it. I was also given injections.
he says my testes is working doubling hard to maintain my FSH level which is normal.

this time for the IVF, they wanted to do the TESE, combining with SA samples they collected over the few days. the doc said we will opened up one testicle first. (my bigger one, which is only a size 10, while my smaller one is only size 8). in the end, he said the operation over run in timing, and he opened up both because he struggled very hard to find any sperm or normal sperm as most are immature, headless or immobile etc.
but he said he found what he need, that few sperms.
we actually successfully fertilised the eggs and my wife went through the IVF. however, within hours, she suffered Ovarian Hyper stimulation and was hospitalized for close to a week. they had to draw out such 2 big bag of liquid from her as her lungs and stomach area was filled with water.
so she is afraid it will happened again. so we dropped the IVF idea, since she already have 2 sons, one of whom she loves the most, have returned to stay with us since he is already 18. she have not much motivation to do this anymore.

today, my testes have probably shrunk some more. i suspect i am probably only size 6-8 on Tanner scale. i have no idea why so. I wondering hard what could be wrong with me. I used to ask the Gynae. He says maybe one of my chromosome is “wrong” but they can never tell. I am big in size, 6 ft, big feet, big hands. everything looks normal for me. Even we find out, the option is still IVF.

Nowadays, I noticed parts of the day, my testes can reclined back to the body so completely that i can hardly feel them. I have no problems with all other functions, and can enjoy a relatively normal sex life.
I did recall during my teenage days that my friend remarked about my size during shower time, but I treated it as just one of those stuff teenagers joke about each other.

I have both advice and questions.

For advice is if your situation is bad, try to accept the worst and don’t go through the basic procedures like IUI. It is probably going to be a waste of money. I came to realise that even the Variocole I did may have been a waste of money and time.

The question is what else can i do. Though i still long for kids, my wife is already mid 40s, with a grown up son. I am not sure we want to try further.

Frankly, this may be not be the right platform, but i am quite concerned about my seemingly shrinking testicles as well. I wonder if there is any side effects to the variocole or TESE operation i did.