I am 32 years old no family to speak of and married to the love of my life. Problem is we were both married to losers our first time around. I choose not to have kids because I did not want my children living with that woman. I truly believed it was till death do us part, even if i was miserable I would of stayed. Luckly she moved on and I was able to find someone with goals and compassion. The problem is my wife had two kids and a tubal with her first husband. He wouldn’t work and she felt two kids is all she could handle. Let me say, I love my step kids and I probably spoil them more than I should ,but they really have no attachment to me and could care less(as long as the money is there) whether I leave or stay. I can’t talk to my wife about it because she gets upset. I am not suicidal because I would never be that cowardice ,but I have quit taking care of myself and really could care less whether I live or die. I find myself doing things that before would scare me but now its like there is nothing to fear. I have put the one person in my life that loves me through hell (countless surgeries and treatments) and feel like maybe if I were gone she could find someone who would let her live a content life. I guess I just dont really have a purpose.
Are the surgeries and treatments you’re speaking of fertility treatments or some other kind of medical intervention?
To me it really sounds like you have a case of depression. Of course, I am just making this assumption from the brief statement you made, and depression needs to be diagnosed by a doctor, but you do seem to have the symptoms. I know it can be hard for a lot of men to seek professional help from a doctor when it comes to feelings of sadness and depression, but trust me, it will help. There are people you can talk to and medications you can take that help with these kinds of things. Personally, if I were in your shoes I’d speak to a doctor about going to see a psychologist or psychiatrist (the latter can prescribe medications, the 1st cannot in most places). Once you speak with someone, they can help you explore these issues and possibly help you talk with your wife about what you are experiencing.
I know you want children, but honestly, if you’re feeling this way and are depressed, it can actually prevent you from getting pregnant. Depression affects both male and female fertility. Also, if you’re depressed before having a child, having a child usually only makes it worse. It’s not that new parents aren’t happy to have children, but they take a lot of time and care. That’s time and care that you have to take away from yourself. Once you have kids you’ll have even less time to work on yourself and how you feel.
I think getting professional help might also help you and your wife work through this issue together. Perhaps she’s afraid of having a child again because she had a tubal pregnancy with her 1st husband. That’s a VERY scary situation for a woman to be in, as it can be deadly and can lead to loss of fertility. Or, perhaps your wife is afraid of having another child because she knows how things turned out with her first husband. You’ve said he isn’t a great father, and perhaps subconsciously she’s afraid that all men will be like him; even if you are a great guy and she knows it, she may have feelings deep down that even she’s not aware of presently.
I hope you get the help you need and are able to come to a good place in life. Just know that you’re worth it and your feelings are valid.
I don’t think I am suffering from clinical depression just sadness. I am not effected in my day to day life. Its just a realization that no matter how much I succeed in any other areas of my life there will always be a void inside me that can’t be filled. Just imagine that you had something wrong and there was nothing you could do about it. I have to ask someone else to do it. I have been checked and there really is nothing wrong with me physically. I have been with my wife for 8 years and I am sure there are no doubt about my dedication and love for her. I really wish I was talking to her about this ,but I know this topic causes her pain and I swallow it down. I know I should be thankful for all the blessing I have in life ,but just imagine if you knew that you would never hear your child say I love you. That you would never teach them how to throw a ball ,or pass on the lesson you learned in life. I tryed doing that with my step kids ,and while ,when they needed me, they would let me help them. It was always with the resentment that I took there mom away from their dad, which could not be further from the truth he is a meth head who I have needed to fill in for ,on short notice, more times than I can count. I remember taking my step daughter to a father daughter dance. I tried really hard but she just was mad the whole night. I do things for them because I love them and its not that I am petty and want the recognition. I just want to have a child that I would do my best to never let down ,but would miss me if I weren’t there.
I saw your post and I just could not pass it up before responding to it. I need to say my love of my life and dearest husband now is my second husband. Like you I would have never dreamed of having a child with my first husband. I too have two step children which are now 18 and 19 years old and all it ever is and was is the MONEY! Needless to say my husband’s ex-wife is such a witch and basically taught the kids how to manipulate people especially their Father. My hubby does not fall for it and really puts them back in their place. Understand they are older now and we are still paying child support for the eighteen yr old until he is out of high school. My hubby and I were not able to have children and I knew this before we got married over twelve years ago. I wanted children and I was affraid to further that conversation with my hubby so we went thru a rough time in our relationship and we went to counseling. It really did work and believe it or not we have a 13 month old now! It just takes the first step forward which is the hardest to take sometimes. Maybe she thinks there will be a repeat of the pregnancy in the past. Who knows, maybe she thinks that having children was part of the downfall of the first marriage and she loves you too much to risk that. I do not know everything that you both are going through but I wanted to share a little of my story of how counseling totally changed our lives around! Good luck with everything.
Its not that she does not want to get pregnant. Its the fact that after 2 years of trying and about every procedure availible to us it hasnt worked. The doctor pretty much told us our chances are as close to zero. So she thinks its all her fault and if I try to talk about how I feel she just gets hurt and sad.
as women we tend to blame ourselves for everything. i did the same thing when my first IVF cycle failed… i felt like i killed my babies… it is a weird feeling, and so hard to explain. i think the best idea for you guys is a counselor of some sort… somewhere you can both talk about what your feeling on neutral ground… she is hurting, but she also needs to understand that you are as well.
She is pretty content. She is great mom and has two kids that adore her. We have pretty much(per doctor recomendation) stopped all treaments ,and as long as I don’t bring it up it is not on her radar anymore. I am a very strong person and good at hiding my emotions ,so well that if someone who knew me seen how much of a complainer I sound like on here they would not believe it was me. I do however appriciate all of you that have listened to me complain it has helped more than you know.
you arent a complainer… you just need to let it out sometimes!! i know it helps me. keep your head up!
No worries… You are not complaining at all!!! This website is great for support. If you need to talk feel free to at anytime. All of the support from the forums have really helped me in many ways.
refriman - I couldn’t just read your post and run. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Very sorry.
First, although the forum is anonymous, I commend you for finding an outlet for what you are thinking and feeling.
I have been through depression and have helped family members and a couple friends who experienced it.
I agree with others that you definitely SHOULD see a doctor to be sure it is just sadness and nothing more. My depression (that I thought was just sadness at first) quickly bounced to depression. You have nothing to lose and only to gain from having a chat with your doctor who will ask you the necessary questions (that you NEED to answer honestly) to see if you are experiencing even mild depression. And remember, even if he/she feels you are clinically depressed, you don’t NEED to take medication. Exercise, support groups and counselling are all very effective. I throw that out there bc one of the main reasons I wouldn’t go to a doctor at first was bc I definitely didn’t want to be thrown on meds…although it turned out I had to for a while.
Second, talk to your wife about going with you. If she is in pain too you would both benefit from some counselling.
You mentioned they told you both to just stop treatments. Have you explored other options like donor egg or embryo donation?
Please take care of yourself and know that you have support here.