I was adopting in a village in Alaska, so things had to go through the tribal court system. So it was definitely a different situation (I don’t want to sound at ALL like I would discourage anyone from pursuing adoption).
Basically, my ex-husband and I submitted our paperwork for China and were told it would be a nine month wait. That extended to what would have been five years, had we gone through the whole wait. While waiting, we decided to pursue domestic in Alaska. The first baby was with us for eight days when the birthmother decided to parent her instead. This was devastating, to say the least.
The second was a toddler we visited with the birthmother on four occasions before the birthmother told us her mother was going to fight her decision to place her baby with us. In Alaska, if a native Alaskan challenges an adoption over a non-Native, the non-Native almost never gets custody. So that ended.
The third was a former student of mine. We got the call from her aunt, went to the hospital, held the baby when she was just a few hours old, and had plans to take her home with us upon release. The birthmother knew our previous situations and guaranteed she would not change her mind. When we arrived to visit the next day, she said she was going to place the baby with her native cousin instead.
So that’s it in a nutshell. It broke our hearts and sadly, our marriage did not come out intact. After having three women look you in the eye and promise you they want you to be the one to parent their child, then have all three of those fail, it becomes very difficult to not be filled with pain. We handled the situations so differently that in the end, it created too much of a distance between us.
I am thankful to be with my current partner who has been an excellent communicator with me from day one on this issue. We had a GREAT initial visit yesterday, and hope we will find some success with IVF.
Thanks for listening![/QUOTE]
Wow, what a crazy story. I think if anyone deserves a happy ending to that story via IVF, its you. If only the people who so often make off-the-cuff comments about IVF knew how tricky adoption really is. Its not like the good old days when you could go to the Catholic monastery and come home with a kid the same day.
My wife and I once wanted to adopt very much, even before we knew that we had fertility issues. When we discovered we had reproductive problems, we looked into adoption and were shocked when we ran headfirst into the bigoted reality of domestic and foreign adoption. My wife and I are secular humanists and we’re a multi-ethnic couple, so that makes it very, very hard for us to adopt. Christians want to give their children to Christians, Muslims to Muslims, Hindus to Hindus… but Secular Humanists pretty much never reproduce by accident, so they don’t have unintended babies that they can give away to other people who also have a naturalistic worldview. Likewise, white people want to give their children to white couples, Indians to Indian couples, etc.
Even people who are offering their embryos for adoption more often than not have strict preferences. That leaves my wife and I with nothing much but IVF. It’s heartbreaking, really.