Anxious, Angry and everything in between


I’ve been reading a lot of message boards and I’m sorry, but when I see someone complain that they’ve been trying to conceive for 6 months, it makes me angry.

When my own friends tell me, “why don’t you just be a Big Sister or volunteer at the Boys and Girls Club”, it makes me angry.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over 7 years. I’m older and that’s an issue and that’s why we have gone the egg donor route. It worked, only to have my body fail our sweet baby boy (I have an incompetent cervix, which I didn’t know and neither did ANY of the medical professionals along the way). He was perfect and on track, in fact, a couple days early in his development. He should have been born October 14, 2016. Instead, he was born May 19, 2016. Our hearts were completely broken. And when I told a friend that I didn’t necessarily feel like committing suicide, but that I wouldn’t care if I had died, she asked me why? A mother of two boys who has never had to go into the hospital pregnant and leave with no baby.

We had two 5-day blasts left frozen from that donor cycle and I just recently had one transferred. The doctor was very pessimistic about it. He had originally given us a 40% success rate, but said the eggs were not frozen properly (from a different clinic) and so dropped it down to 20% and then raised it back up to 30% when the blast survived the thaw and went on to continue its growth.

If this doesn’t work out, we only have one more chance and that’s IF the blast survives the thaw. After that, we have plans for adopting internationally. We had actually started the process at the same time of the donor fresh cycle, but then cancelled since I became pregnant, so we would be starting that back up again.

I’m worn out. I so desperately want to experience motherhood. I’ve always wanted it. But I’m worn out. I’m afraid that I may just give up. I’m afraid that I may just be one of those people that other people look at with pity. I hate those looks. The head side tilt. The furrowed eyebrows. STOP IT!!!

I’m sick of people telling me to just go and be a teacher and that I can still effect a child’s life. They can say these things because they have NO IDEA how I feel. They have children. THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FEEL!!! How could they?? They HAVE CHILDERN!!! They are the ones who tell me “well, if it’s in God’s plan…” F. U.

So, people are “blessed” with children and the ones who can’t have children… what? We were… what’s the opposite of “blessed”… “punished”??

I think I just need to get this out right now. Beta is on Friday. I have no symptoms to speak of. I believe the meds I’m on have given me a lot of random symptoms: sleepy on and off, crampy on and off, angry and sad on and off. I’m finding it hard to stay positive. We have just had so much heartbreak for over 7 years. I don’t think we would have this heartbreak if we just gave up and said F it.


3 posts were merged into an existing topic: About the Infertility Treatments category