I feel a little safe asking this question bc we are not in a position to make this decision right now, as we have two more adopted embryos we are transferring next month, so I am hoping that will be that. But worst case scenario, we need to decide if we are going to keep trying with donor embryos or decide to go the ds route.
If we were to go the ds route, we’d go with donor IUI, versus FET for our donor embryos. The main reason I’m considering the former is due to cost - IUIs are cheaper than FETs, from what I understand. The main reason I’m resisting the former is bc I’m having a hard time separating the genetic mixing with the normal sexual act that comes with such mixing, if you will. My mind understands that there is no infidelity on my part, but my heart aches at the thought of seeing our child, my DH’s and mine, and having to tell that child that they are not genetically their father’s. With donor embryo, I see it as a prenatal adoption, and after years of trying to adopt and educating myself on that, I have no problem explaining the circumstances in the form of an adoption to a child born thanks to embryo donation.
But I feel guilty at the thought of having MY child (fully, genetically, in every sense of the word) with some other man. I have no gut desire to pass on my DNA, no need to see my child resemble me. I honestly would rather be able to use the shell of my ovum without the dna link, so that it could be more like an embryo donation, than to procreate with another man’s goodies.
I’ve heard of various ways that people explain how they look at ds, and I think that if I had to, I could come to view it in a way that’s different from how I see it now. So I was hoping those of you who have gone the ds route (or are currently pursuing it) could give me the Cliff Notes of how you view the use of donor gametes being mixed with your own gametes.
I’ve thought of how I’m genetically linked to people I don’t know and don’t care about, and how DH likewise has a genetic family that may be better to forget about, so thinking of going forward with “foreign” gametes has nothing to do with wanting to maintain a link with our past. That’s irrelevant. People that share no blood ties to me are the closest people in my life. It’s not that. I guess I’m stuck at the mixing part.
In one scenario, I thought that if we had to go this route, I’d want DH to pick out the donor and do a home insemination that he would fully be a part of (sorry if TMI).
But as long as we’re thinking of donor embryos, or adoption, we are fully committed to openness, and having the child know what their genetic history is, and being able to meet their genetic ancestors or siblings. But as soon as I think about our child meeting their sperm donor, I have thoughts of that child introducing me as their mother and this stranger as their “biological father”, thus putting me and him into some cosmic relationship that I want no part of.
Anyway, so those are my hangups. I’d be happy to read how you all overcame them, and why you chose this route over others, especially over donor embryos. (One thing DH most recently said is that he wants 2 things to come of our journey: 1) that we have a child to raise together, and 2) that I get to carry that child. He doesn’t want to do a microTESE to completely rule out the possibility of having a genetic child; we are currently trying donor embryo FETs; and the third possibility for this outcome of his is ds.)