Babyshowers, what should I do?


#1

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over 6 years and have had two unsuccessful IVF’s. Last year my husband got diagnosed with colon cancer and we had to put our plans on hold. Now he is doing great (in full remission…yeah!) and we are going to do one more IVF cycle at a better clinic.
Just in the past year I have started to have a really hard time going to baby showers. I never had this before but I think that I am 41 years old with no children has just got me sort of panicked and I get upset easily about it. I actually have a fertility counselor and she told me not go to go baby showers. She told me to kindly explain to whoever’s shower it is how I feel about it and they should understand. The thing is…we ALL know how insensitive people can be when they are fertile and they just do not understand. I think a white lie would work better in this instance. The baby shower I have to go to this time is a family member. I want to support her but I get so depressed and cry for days after baby showers. I just do not know what to do. I happen to know that this person and my entire family would not understand at all if I told them the truth. What should I do?


#2

If you are so uncomfortable, make up a reason like you are sick with flu and avoid going. There is nothing worse than hurting yourself. People with kids will never understand how we feel and there is no point in giving explanations to anyone. They will mis-take that for jealously.


#3

It’s too bad that your family wouldn’t understand. I had a miscarriage last year and was due around the same time that a cousin was. My entire family was so supportive about my decision to skip the shower, it made my decision comfortable. A close friend is pregnant and was talking about her shower with me and said, she is going to send an invitation to me, but doesn’t want me to attend if I don’t feel up to it. It’s in September, I still haven’t decided on that one. It will probably be a game day decision. Some days are easier than others.
But I know exactly how you feel, it’s hard. You are happy for them, but it hurts to think you may never have it. My suggestion: plan a weekend away with your husband (excuse on why you won’t be there) and send a gift.


#4

Kit, you are very lucky to have such supportive family and friends! People who have never been through the challenge of fertility do not understand. And I agree, they mistake it for jealousy. Sometimes I even mistake it for jealousy, and I think it’s important to let people know you are happy for them, but you are just sad for yourself. I remember when my sister-in-law got pregnant (my DH and I were trying for two years at that point) I thought I was jealous of her, but I wasn’t jealous, I was just sad for myself.
Don’t do anything that will make you feel bad, three hours at a baby shower is NOT worth three nights of crying yourself to sleep!
A weekend away is a great idea!


#5

Thanks guys!!! I feel as if I should go…and actually I am VERY excited for them. I love my brother and am so proud he will be a father and cannot wait to meet my nephew. Also, my SIL did not have an easy road conceiving, she had many miscarriages (but she gets pregnant super easy) and this was the one that “took”. She understands the pain of a miscarriage but probably not what it is like to try for years on end (the only way we can get pregnant is IVF), the expense of all and that we have been through. I can tell it really means a lot to her that I go. I did go a little overboard and get her a lot of presents because I feel guilty if I decide not to go. There is a very good chance I will not be able to go anyway as we going to fly to the fertility clinic soon if I start my period this week (we are not going to a local clinic as we are starting IVF again) and that would mean we would have to leave this weekend so we are waiting until tomorrow to see if I start my period. The shower is this weekend and if I do not start my period and am SUPER stressed about going to the shower. Like, I am having anxiety over it. I feel SO selfish feeling this way but like I said, I literally cry for days after I go to them. I was never like this before until the past two years. Not sure why. I feel like a bad person because of it.


#6

Don’t torture yourself. Say you’re not feeling well (not a lie) and that you don’t want to get anyone else sick (You don’t, do you? Who wants to get people sick!)

You know what is really hard on fertility? Stress. So take care of yourself.

You’re not a bad person, I swear. I mean … you might be a terrible person. But not because of this.


#7

I recently went to a baby shower, the baby momma know’s my issues. I thought I will stay until my gift is opened and then quietly slip out. Well of course of the bazillion presents mine was the last to be opened. UGH sheer torture. The worst part was the MIL of the baby momma who know’s me but not my infertility issues asked rather loudly, “when are you and DH going to start a family? You have been married 6-8 yrs now (smiles and giggles)” I politely said that my friend could explain and got up and walked into another room to keep from crying my eyes out. Honestly I am telling you this b/c it isn’t worth it. NO one who hasn’t been in your/our shoes understands. As much as the best of friends want to they don’t get it. Do yourself a favor, give a gift w a nice card, tell the baby momma “I wish you the best” (or some other generic thing) and don’t go. No need to explain. They don’t give you every waking detail of their day/life/fertility. Why should you?


#8

I feel the same way. My Husband and I have been ttc for almost 3 years now. His family invites EVERYONE to baby showers. The last one, his second cousin’s 19 year old girlfriend’s whom I’ve never met and has recently had her second. I didn’t go since I did not know her and wouldn’t be missed but it’s hard for me to happy for people either younger than me, not married or have not been together as long as we have. I’m 31 and married for 9 years so that leads to people asking the question of “WHEN” for you when you’re at the shower. I just want to avoid it all since not a lot of people know my situation. Luckily the shower I have this weekend, my friends, she knows but it may still be hard. I know of 6 people that are pregnant now so baby showers are coming. I would suggest just sending a gift along with someone that you know is going. I may do that for a couple of showers!


#9

Just wanted to comment that this post was hilarious!


#10

I just had to co-host a shower for my best friend with her mother. I feel only hurt inside and this woman was calling me everyday for four months to obsess over everything for her daughter. The decorations had to be elaborate and over the top, the food had to be unique and everything I was doing was wrong. She even dictated the scent of the hand soap in the bathroom. The worst thing was that during all this she was well aware of what I was going through. (FYI: this was also my third shower this summer). Then in front of everyone, she stops the party to have me say out loud the name that I like for a girl. It was crushing! I felt like the whole world went silent and just stared at me. My mom was there and I could tell she was trying to not cry from this abrupt moment of cruelty. I don’t know how long I was silent but I felt like I had been shot when I uttered the name…
I am not going to anymore showers after that.
Do yourself a favor, just lie and stay home.