Back after a long break


#1

i don’t know where to start. Cause of infertility is MF. We went straight to IVF & transferred 2 strong 5day embryos.Spent about 10k. Got pregnant. Lost them right away. I will say I miscarried. But I feel like it’s not really that, since it happened before the heartbeat appt. but I was pregnant. That was August 2013. Fast forward to April 2014. We did a frozen embryo transfer w/our last 2. I knew in my heart it wasn’t going to take. It didn’t. I didn’t cry that time. You become numb. I was sad, but not like the 1st time.

Come June, we went on a much needed vacation before I started teaching summer school. I started teaching. One day I cried saying I didn’t want to go to work, but that’s silly b/c ur was just summer school. Very easy work. And it happened everyday. I felt afraid to go to work. Finally about 2 weeks in, I went to work, parked the car and couldn’t get out. I cried frozen w/fear. I went straight to my family doctor. I was diagnosed with moderate depression & severe anxiety. I spent the summer trying to get well before work started up again. It was hell. I am a happy and positive person. This was uncharted territory for me. I felt like I was going crazy.

I’m a lot better now. Still figuring things out. Im scheduled to see a psychologist this Friday. I came on here b/c today for the first time I thought about my BFP and the loss of it. I felt sad but not like crying. Just kind of reflecting.will we try again? Probably not. Thinking of the meds, procedure, appts makes me nervous. My heart races. Then there’s the money. But I worry more about failure after failure and how I do thi this played a big role in my depression.

I guess I just want to hear it’s okay. Or that others had similar experiences with depression/anxiety. Or that someone out there chose to go childless and they are ok. There are days I feel ok and know that no children in the future will be ok. Other day I feel like panicking.


#2

Hi Gigi3,
I’m so sorry.
I know situational depression is very common with infertility. My husband often finds me in tears, and comforting me has become routine to him (like this past weekend).
[SIZE=14px]For me it’s balancing act. Because I’m naturally one to have hope and faith, I used to think I was pregnant every month. Then I was let down every month. I still want to maintain hope, but it’s too much of a rollercoaster to think its going to happen every month that I think my body feels different. I had to take a break from testing and blood work and regroup for a while. Now we’re back to it and I hope it’s going to happen, but I’m planning other things in my life too. Instead of thinking “oh, I might be pregnant during the month I’m wanting to take that trip”, I just book it. [/SIZE]
There are triggers that make us sad. I don’t buy pregnancy tests often because I figure if I do become pregnant with a child that I carry full-term, I will find out at some point, so I’m not going to get emotional every time I get a negative test. Thinking of me getting older is a trigger, so I made friends with some women who got pregnant later in life. I don’t know if this rambling helps, but my point is YES, it’s normal. The 2 things that help me are:

  1. I try to avoid the triggers that make me sad about it
  2. I try to focus on what’s within my power, and try my hardest to not stress about the rest
    I hope that you start to feel better and are not overwhelmed thinking about treatments if a baby is what you want (and it sounds like it is!) We’re here for you! [GALLERY=media, 116]You are not alone. by admin posted Nov 21, 2014 at 10:34 AM[/GALLERY]

#3

It’s ok. Nothing is going to instantly help but maybe this can give you a glimmer of hope https://www.chelseafertilitynyc.com/15-quotes-inspire-journey-parenthood/


#4

Gigi. I remember you from before. You were in south Texas, correct? I know what has helped me personally is my faith! I know that God allows things for His purposes. And trials are ultimately to build our faith and learn to lean on Him and trust in Him (James 1:2-4). So when I have moments of despair, fear, or doubt I remember to pray and seek The Lord. I personally couldn’t do it without my faith!