i don’t know where to start. Cause of infertility is MF. We went straight to IVF & transferred 2 strong 5day embryos.Spent about 10k. Got pregnant. Lost them right away. I will say I miscarried. But I feel like it’s not really that, since it happened before the heartbeat appt. but I was pregnant. That was August 2013. Fast forward to April 2014. We did a frozen embryo transfer w/our last 2. I knew in my heart it wasn’t going to take. It didn’t. I didn’t cry that time. You become numb. I was sad, but not like the 1st time.
Come June, we went on a much needed vacation before I started teaching summer school. I started teaching. One day I cried saying I didn’t want to go to work, but that’s silly b/c ur was just summer school. Very easy work. And it happened everyday. I felt afraid to go to work. Finally about 2 weeks in, I went to work, parked the car and couldn’t get out. I cried frozen w/fear. I went straight to my family doctor. I was diagnosed with moderate depression & severe anxiety. I spent the summer trying to get well before work started up again. It was hell. I am a happy and positive person. This was uncharted territory for me. I felt like I was going crazy.
I’m a lot better now. Still figuring things out. Im scheduled to see a psychologist this Friday. I came on here b/c today for the first time I thought about my BFP and the loss of it. I felt sad but not like crying. Just kind of reflecting.will we try again? Probably not. Thinking of the meds, procedure, appts makes me nervous. My heart races. Then there’s the money. But I worry more about failure after failure and how I do thi this played a big role in my depression.
I guess I just want to hear it’s okay. Or that others had similar experiences with depression/anxiety. Or that someone out there chose to go childless and they are ok. There are days I feel ok and know that no children in the future will be ok. Other day I feel like panicking.