Bad day today...


#1

So, last night, :af: shows up. I really dont know what to do right now. I feel sort of numb today, which is odd because the last couple of iuis that when went through, I balled my eyes out when :af: showed. I just dont know what we re going to do now. After spending thousands on treatments, we have nothing but a stack of bills to look at at the end of the day. Its sad that its only the $ thats keeping us from moving ahead.
I feel so lost right now. Wishing that I lived in a state that requires insurance to cover SOMETHING for infertility! I am so thankful my my hubby. Hes been right by my side and so supportive. I think that my mood swings and all around depression have been driving him crazy, and yet still, here he is.
I dont know if I can go to work tommorrow without crying constantly. One of my good friends there is about to pop(unplanned of course) and all the baby talk is depressing the heck out of me. Her shower for work is in a couple of weeks, I am praying that I dont have to work that day. How sad is that? I wonder when I will see a pregnant woman or a family with kids and not feel so jealous. It really doesnt help that I work with the elderly and they are always asking when I will have babies. I have been married to two WHOLE years after all!
Ahh, okay, feeling alittle better after my venting.
I realize that so many of you have been through SO much more in your struggle, so I want to thankyou for listening to me complain :slight_smile:


#2

I’m glad you came to the forum to vent. We all have to do it sometimes. I know how you feel about getting :af:. Sometimes I think that we are never going to get what we want, and I imagine that is a common feeling among the women on these boards. Don’t forget that you aren’t alone and that there are people who understand what you are going through, even on those really tough days. :grouphug:


#3

I am so sorry about your BFN! I am also paying for everything out of pocket, and was thinking last night that if there is no BFP and baby at the end of all this then that is going to be so many thousands of dollars wasted - with nothing to show for it. My plan is to do up to six IUIs, depending on how my RE wants to change my medicines.


#4

Sorry about your bfn. I am just on my first medicated and iui cycle, so I can’t even imagine how it feels yet to see that bfn. And I am also 100% out of pocket, so I can comiserate with the cost issues.

Hang in there babe.


#5

Your words sound so much like my own. I have had the same thoughts and feelings in past cycles and, really, even now. I went through 2 IUIs with BFNs and ended up having to take this past month off due to a cyst. I didn’t understand why it didn’t work and would be just as upset as you are, crying, and unable to go to work when I got my negative beta or AF. IF is really difficult, especially when you’re paying so much and putting so much emotionally into it. My DH has been there for me, too, but you do wonder when enough is enough or when you’ll finally get your BFP. We are also paying out-of-pocket and have just decided to do one more round of IUI and Clomid and then move on to IVF in Feb. It’s a hard decision to make because it’s so costly, but we also can’t see not doing or putting more and more money into IUIs, if they’re not going to work. I guess I just wanted to say that I am there with you and can really understand. :grouphug: The good news is that we don’t feel this way all the time. But the bad news is that we don’t have any answers or a crystal ball to tell us when it will be over. Just try to hang in there and do what you need to do to get through it.


#6

[QUOTE=Hoping4baby83]
I feel so lost right now.

I wonder when I will see a pregnant woman or a family with kids and not feel so jealous.

It really doesnt help that I work with the elderly and they are always asking when I will have babies. I have been married to two WHOLE years after all!
[/QUOTE]

Hoping4Baby-
It’s so good that you came on here to vent and to hear that other people feel the same way you feel. EVERYONE around me is preggers and I feel the same way. A very good friend of mine had a baby 2 days ago and I couldn’t even be bothered with sending a text or picking up the phone. Everyone at work is pregnant and everyone is showing off their kids in their Christmas Pictures and all I want to do is run away and cry.

People are so intrusive and don’t care about how you feel. I work with a bunch of women (like 60 of them) and they think nothing of prying in my business asking about babies and “when are you getting pregnant?” Totally insensitive and don’t consider that life isn’t a bowl of cherries for everyone.

When I am feeling sad, I read this little prayer or affirmation. Maybe I’ll help you…there’s nothing anyone can say or do to make it better but sometimes knowing that people understand and relate what you are going through makes it a little more tolerable. xoxo BIG hugs.

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That’s not my destiny; that’s just a fork in the road I’m on. I’ve been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I’m a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven’t let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I’ve ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I’ll say, “Don’t tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know.”


#7

I feel your pain and I’m praying for you and your husband as well. Don’t allow this to get you down, it will happen!!


#8

Neenie,

Just wanted to say thank you for sharing that affirmation. I’m having my second IUI next Monday, and I am trying to face it realistically and optimistically, which as we all know isn’t always easy. Your words are comforting, and remind me that no matter what happens this month, there is a greater purpose for what I am going through now, and everything indeed happens for a reason. And I echo what you said about getting closer to your husband - it has bonded us together more in our 2 years of marriage than some couples who have been together forever.

Thanks! PS, I love your dogs’ names :slight_smile: What a great show! Now you just need an Aiden to round out the group…


#9

Thank you for posting that affirmation. It made me cry but feel better.

I’ve been on a six month break from fertility treatments. I’m starting again this month. At first I was excited but now I am sad. I am worried about the BFN. I’m so tired of seeing it. I want so bad to move forward but I can’t.

Baby dust to all! I truly hope we all get our BFP’s!


#10

[QUOTE=northstar85]Neenie,

Just wanted to say thank you for sharing that affirmation. I’m having my second IUI next Monday, and I am trying to face it realistically and optimistically, which as we all know isn’t always easy. Your words are comforting, and remind me that no matter what happens this month, there is a greater purpose for what I am going through now, and everything indeed happens for a reason. And I echo what you said about getting closer to your husband - it has bonded us together more in our 2 years of marriage than some couples who have been together forever.

Thanks! PS, I love your dogs’ names :slight_smile: What a great show! Now you just need an Aiden to round out the group…[/QUOTE]

We are all going to be moms, ladies…some days it’s harder to believe this than others but we will…it’s a long road but this is the plan that God or some higher power has for us. And we may never know why we had to work harder or struggle to become mothers, but this is the path we have been put on…I cry every time I read it too. I definitely think that it has bonded my husband and I together…we really needed something like that to bring us together, now we are ready and being patient is killing me…good thing DH makes up for my lack of patience.

Oh and I told my DH that if I don’t get pregnant soon I WILL be going to get a third dog, and, ironically I would name him Aidan if I get a male dog (although I’d like to save that name for a baby :slight_smile: A female dog would definitely require me to name her Charlotte <3


#11

[QUOTE=northstar85]Neenie,

Just wanted to say thank you for sharing that affirmation. I’m having my second IUI next Monday, and I am trying to face it realistically and optimistically, which as we all know isn’t always easy. Your words are comforting, and remind me that no matter what happens this month, there is a greater purpose for what I am going through now, and everything indeed happens for a reason. And I echo what you said about getting closer to your husband - it has bonded us together more in our 2 years of marriage than some couples who have been together forever.

Thanks! PS, I love your dogs’ names :slight_smile: What a great show! Now you just need an Aiden to round out the group…[/QUOTE]

NORTHSTAR-

PS: I might also have my second IUI on Monday…I’ll find out on Friday. My follicles were small on Tuesday (the largest only 12mm-CD11) so we’ll see! Maybe it’ll be our lucky day!


#12

Neenie,

That’s exciting! I have an ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow morning to see how my follicles are maturing. I am fairly certain I’ll be ready to go for Monday though. Hoping you’re right there with me, and that this is “the” month for us!

:slight_smile:

Let me know how it goes on Friday.


#13

Neenie - I have 3 dogs already, and had 3 cats…now down to one cat…but it does not fill the hole in my heart…I didn’t give them people names though - I don’t think I’d name my kids Pugasaurus Rex or Yoshi or Princess Annabelle Puggington I… lol…we have a little pseudo family, but it’s just not enough


#14

Ladies,
I want to thankyou all for your responses. Your words really touched my heart, and I feel the pain that you have all gone through as well. People who can get pregnant so easily really just dont understand how hard it is to see that bfn every month! I am praying for you northstar, neenie, positivepickle, and oc for your cycles this month. I hope that you all get the lil ones you so deserve.
And neenie, thankyou so much for sharing that little prayer. I read it this morning quickly before work and thought about it all day. It was expecially helpful when I got to work and everyone was comparing their babies sizes at birth. I wanted to sink into the wall and disappear. Then I thought about your words and they really pulled me through the day!:babydust:


#15

Love you ladies! This is my favorite forum/subject so far…

So I have a good one for you…today, this girl at work who got married a year later than me and “wasn’t even trying that hard” to get pregnant (hate that), was whining and complaining about how disgusting she feels, and how fat and swollen she is, and how ugly she looks and (heres the best one)…she can’t stand how she looks because she’s pale and can’t go tanning or use self-tanners. So I calmly without punching her (don’t know how I did it), said “I’ll do anything to switch places with you…at least you’ll have a baby.” :grr:

OMG I don’t know how we do it ladies. I’m telling you…these people just don’t get it …


#16

[quote=Neenie331]"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That’s not my destiny; that’s just a fork in the road I’m on. I’ve been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I’m a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven’t let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I’ve ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I’ll say, “Don’t tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know.”[/quote]

[B]Hoping4Baby[/B] - I love this and will be printing it and taping it in my car where I can read it whenever I need to.


#17

Thank you for that, Neenie.
And so sorry to hear that you have such a horrible, insensitive co-worker!

If anything, infertility has taught me to be grateful and hopeful. That all the emotional pain, physical discomfort and dollars spent will be worth it when I have a little bundle of love in my arms.


#18

You ladies have really helped me through this last week since :af: came. I really couldnt see what I was going to do with myself! Sometimes I think it would be easier if I worked in a pregnancy free workplace! The friend that I have who is ready to have her baby in a few weeks is CONSTANTLY talking about her swollen ankles and how much she wants to drink again. Ummm okay?! Seriously? When this baby comes, you will have her in your arms, be able to hold her and kiss her, and you cant wait to have a drink? Talk about wanting to punch someone in the face!


#19

good luck to u guls…God will help us all
:babydust: :babydust: :bfp: :babydust: :babydust:
i pray for all how are ttc in dec and those how are :preg: have a helthy hoilday seasons
love u

i have gained lot of hope and the courage to go with ttc untill this day that i am 6 week today…its a gr8 place


#20

I just went on FB tonight and the first thing that I saw was news that my friend from work just had her baby. I sent her a message of congrats, with tears rolling down my face. I wonder how long I will have these gosh awful jealous/angry/hurt feelings whenever anyone else has a baby? This is so sad… On a brighter note, I just had to switch insurance companies and the new one has some inf. coverage, but no IVF of course. Maybe this will help us in 2011:pray: