BFP after loss (RPL)


#1

Im starting this thread because after all I’ve been through I really don’t feel like I belong on a regular due date thread.
Ladies who are “new” to the world of infertility and haven’t been thru so much have very different goals and very different conserns that those of us who really know we can’t take this for granted, as good as it might look at first.
We know everything can change in the blink of an eye without warning.
They ask their doctors if the can dye their hair or if they can do their nails… I ask my doctor if this pregancy has a chance, if I should use the progesterone just a bit longuer just to make sure… if I should hang head down from the cieling so the bean stays there… ok the last one we all know it might not work but we also know we would do it if the doctor said it would help… you understand what I’m saying… anyways we are a different “breed” we,don’t have the luxury of being innocent and naive and live in lah lah land.

I hope to find here ladies in my same situation so we can share more simililar experiences and conserns.


#2

[quote=Yolyvette]Im starting this thread because after all I’ve been through I really don’t feel like I belong on a regular due date thread.
Ladies who are “new” to the world of infertility and haven’t been thru so much have very different goals and very different conserns that those of us who really know we can’t take this for granted, as good as it might look at first.
We know everything can change in the blink of an eye without warning.
They ask their doctors if the can dye their hair or if they can do their nails… I ask my doctor if this pregancy has a chance, if I should use the progesterone just a bit longuer just to make sure… if I should hang head down from the cieling so the bean stays there… ok the last one we all know it might not work but we also know we would do it if the doctor said it would help… you understand what I’m saying… anyways we are a different “breed” we,don’t have the luxury of being innocent and naive and live in lah lah land.

I hope to find here ladies in my same situation so we can share more simililar experiences and conserns.[/quote]

Yolyvette: I am not pregnant again yet, but I did loss my baby recently. I had my d&c on 11/9/10. I am so ready to try again, and I know some people may not understand, but that is the only thing that keeps me going. I know their are risks and I know that nothing is promised, but just the thought that it could happen soon helps me. I need some guidance from someone who understands where I am coming from. I do not know what to expect. I have been feeling alone myself lately because I am in a different place than others. Maybe you can help me and at the same time I can help you in anyway I can.


#3

Its Okay

Hola,

Hey I can only imagine how you feel.Look I had a loss at 21 weeks and that I know is so heartbreaking and still is. I am so sorry about your losses. But on a positive note, the due date buddies are there to share information, comfort and give advice. Everyone is going to have point of views but it has to be respected and I know on our due date thread we try to. You belong just as much. They laugh at me saying I have my own little blog but its good to vent and laugh at myself on my bedrest/cerclage thread. That is the only way I am going to get through it by listening to other stories and posting my everyday life.Mira…Sometimes I feel like I cannot relate but I APPRECIATE with all my heart the feedback. I am on bedrest and very few post that say they can relate but I know they are reading it because they ask how I am doing. I think its more of the outside world that is not on the forum that can not relate. My girls have been with me mostly during treatment and I have met some new ones after BFP on the thread. Stay positive…there is hope in numbers.

And no it is not a Fairy Tale for me on this journey again but a miracle that I get a chance to experience pregnancy again.:flower:

XOXO Esperanza

[QUOTE=Yolyvette]Im starting this thread because after all I’ve been through I really don’t feel like I belong on a regular due date thread.
Ladies who are “new” to the world of infertility and haven’t been thru so much have very different goals and very different conserns that those of us who really know we can’t take this for granted, as good as it might look at first.
We know everything can change in the blink of an eye without warning.
They ask their doctors if the can dye their hair or if they can do their nails… I ask my doctor if this pregancy has a chance, if I should use the progesterone just a bit longuer just to make sure… if I should hang head down from the cieling so the bean stays there… ok the last one we all know it might not work but we also know we would do it if the doctor said it would help… you understand what I’m saying… anyways we are a different “breed” we,don’t have the luxury of being innocent and naive and live in lah lah land.

I hope to find here ladies in my same situation so we can share more simililar experiences and conserns.[/QUOTE]


#4

[quote=EsperanzaFL]Hola,

Hey I can only imagine how you feel.Look I had a loss at 21 weeks and that I know is so heartbreaking and still is. I am so sorry about your losses. But on a positive note, the due date buddies are there to share information, comfort and give advice. Everyone is going to have point of views but it has to be respected and I know on our due date thread we try to. You belong just as much. They laugh at me saying I have my own little blog but its good to vent and laugh at myself on my bedrest/cerclage thread. That is the only way I am going to get through it by listening to other stories and posting my everyday life.Mira…Sometimes I feel like I cannot relate but I APPRECIATE with all my heart the feedback. I am on bedrest and very few post that say they can relate but I know they are reading it because they ask how I am doing. I think its more of the outside world that is not on the forum that can not relate. My girls have been with me mostly during treatment and I have met some new ones after BFP on the thread. Stay positive…there is hope in numbers.

And no it is not a Fairy Tale for me on this journey again but a miracle that I get a chance to experience pregnancy again.:flower:

XOXO Esperanza[/quote]

EsperanzaFL: I actually read your blog about your bedrest. I love reading it. It gives me smiles when you are so open and honest about everything you are feeling. I was on bed rest from 20 weeks to 34 weeks with my first child. Which btw he decided not to come until 40wks and 1 day, but thank goodness he stayed in there. So I totally understand the bed rest part of things. I hope those cupcakes you made were good. The story made me want some cupcakes…lol


#5

Hi sweetie.
I don’t even know where to start. We’ve been going through this journey together for a while and I want u to know that even though I’m not expecting anymore I’m still here for you.

I know how traumatic ur loss was. I felt your pain and I’m sorry you had to go through that.

I wish I could tell you that this pregnancy will be easier and for you not to worry but we both know that such thing isn’t possible.
You will worry every second of everyday, every little thing will make you wonder if all is ok but I have faith that it will and this pregnancy will be very successful.

I can only tell you what I did to get through my pregnancy. I set small goal throughout the entire time.
First it was 9wks, then 13wks, then 24-25, then 32, then 35. Small steps sweetie.

It’s ok to worry and considering the circumstances it’s totally understandable.

Just know that there are so many people that love you and care about you. Don’t forget to lean on us and ask for help/support whenever you need it.
You have my email and number. I know I’m far but I’m always thinking about you.

Sending lots of love!!!

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:


#6

Yolyvette - Here I am!! :flower:

I agree that pregnancy is a very different experience for people that have had a loss. Having had losses doesn’t LET you take anything for granted. With my first pregnancy, I was so totally clueless - miscarrying never even entered my head until it happened to me. I could never have related to women who miscarried in the same way until it happened to me.

I am almost 10 weeks and I still check for blood when I wipe…it’s ingrained in me to EXPECT the worst. In fact, that’s why I have not joined a due date board or even made a ticker for myself. I feel as though that might jinx everything.

When loss is all you know, the pregnancy experience is just going to be very different for you. While I know that ALL pregnant women worry, it’s taken to the next level for ladies who have lived in our shoes. I don’t feel that I fit on the “regular” boards because I probably come across as a bit of a downer. I don’t want to taint anyone’s experience with my own bad experiences. And all the innocence gets to me too. I often find myself feeling resentful of women who haven’t dealt with the same issues that we have. I feel like we are entitled to that innocence too, but it will never come back.

I hope that more ladies with RPL who are currently pregnant (or who have had successful pregnancies) will surface and join us.

Valerie


#7

[B]Wanessa…[/B] thnx for your words… I have to say you made me cry… probably part hormones part that I know you really mean all of that and it makes me feel hopeful.

:welcome: [B] Valerie- [/B]lets see who else finds their way to this thread and how soon the girls fron the RPL thread can join us…

In the mean time we will have each other to come to when we freak out about a red looking speck in the TP that was just in fact part of the materal of the paper or maybe lint from our pink, orange or red underwear… (it has happened to me and its nerve wraking for a few seconds till you realize is NOT blood)… I know I’ll be checking the TP for a long time…

[B]Esperanza-[/B] Thnx for the input in all of this and I plan on staying on the Due Date board reading and maybe posting now and then. But for ladies like us, like Valerie so wisely put it, we miss and are maybe a little jealous of the blind bliss they live in, Im pretty sure I was like that the first time, miscariage was not something I ever thought about, and even infertility was not something i was familiar with since my very first pregnancy was no planned or expected it just took us by surprice, DH and I were still dating at the time.

So we just need and outlet where we feel everyone is in our same shoes and can understand where we are coming from with our comments and conserns and somewhere were we don’t come across as bitter or burst their bubble. Many times they talk about topics where i find myself having to bite my tongue just so I don’t say something that might be miss interpreted as bad wishes or envy, and not how it’s meant to come from my esperience and knoledge that we need to take every day and every milestone reached with a sight of relief and as a gift and not as a right.


#8

You are welcome to stay here, also you can check the RPL thread, ladies there know very well how you feel and are great help.

Im very sorry for your loss:grouphug:


#9

Yolyvette- I understand exactly how you feel. I couldn’t even bring myself to click on the due date thread button until I was about 12 weeks along, & when I did, I couldn’t believe how many people actually announced their pregnancy with their first beta. All the more power to them, it must be nice to be that ‘normal’ about being pregnant, but not a day goes by for me that I don’t check off that I am another day closer to viability, I know exactly how much nicu time my little bean would need to have if something were to happen today, I know survival rates by each week of pregnancy, I freak out waiting 4 weeks for the next ob appoointment if I don’t feel enough movement, etc. I am almost 25 weeks and haven’t peed once in the last 6.5 months without looking at the TP before I flush. I try not to, I just can’t help it.

It’s not that I am negative, I have a very optimistic outlook and feel so blessed. I know that I will hold this little boy in my arms one day and love him for the rest of my life. I just don’t feel 100% normal. Its almost like after 2 m/cs, I have a little PTSD about being pregnant. I’m like a soldier who comes home from war, & even tho there is no danger, I keep reaching for a gun. I think when you experience a loss, along with your baby, you lose a little of the oblivious happiness that most normal preggo ladies feel. The happiness is still there, but it comes with a healthy dose of reality. I don’t mean to minimize anyone’s concerns, but it does seem hard to take some of the naive comments that are made by people who have IF, but got preggo with no problems on their first IUI or IVF, and lived happily ever after. It just doesn’t work out that way for some of us.

This is a hard fought victory so far for me, and I am a little banged up by the struggle. It’s nice to know that someone else understands.


#10

[quote=Yolyvette]You are welcome to stay here, also you can check the RPL thread, ladies there know very well how you feel and are great help.

Im very sorry for your loss:grouphug:[/quote]

Thank you so much Yolyvette for everything really. The hugs, understanding and giving me a place to go. I did go to the RPL thread and introduced myself there.

I completely know where you are coming from. Since my first m/c was at 17 (didn’t even realize I was pregnant to young and was from a rape) I was afraid of getting pregnant. I met my husband when I was 18 and at 21 I married him. We tried for 4 yrs for our first child and found out on our 4 yr anniversary that we were pregnant. I started cramping at 5 weeks and went to the ER to find out it was round ligament pain and my little baby was just fine with a fast beating heart. Still every pain I felt I was so scared. I checked my TP the entire pregnancy. At 20 weeks i went into pre-term labor. I was put on Brethine and Visteril. I was in and out of the hospital 3 to 4 times a week because the breathine by mouth wasn’t keeping the contractions under control, nor was the bed rest. At 32 weeks I was taken to the hospital because of contractions and brethine was not working. They gave me Mag Sulfate that almost killed me because I was allergic to it. I was in the hospital for 5 days during that time because I developed bronchitis from aspirating while throwing up. I finally was induced at 40 weeks and 1 day with a cervix that didn’t want to dilate. There was maconium in the water and after 17 hrs of hard labor we had to do an emergency c-section. Needless to say I had a beautiful healthy baby boy. My youngest baby’s pregnancy was pretty uneventful compared to the first. I did go into the hospital at 35 weeks to have labor stopped and was scheduled to have a c-section on January 18th only to go into labor on January 5th (37 week). I delivered a healthy baby boy weighing 7lbs 4 oz via c-section.

So, I know exactly what you mean about not being able to be innocent while pregnant. No matter what we do we will always worry. There won’t be a day that goes by that we don’t get scared if we feel a pain that is unfamiliar. There won’t be a time when we don’t check our TP for blood. We will check kick counts, and drink plenty of water to make we don’t get dehydrated. The best advice I can give you is take it one day at a time. With each little movement let that reassure you for the time that your baby is ok. Have as much faith as you can that things will turn out ok, even when our minds want to make us think otherwise.

I wish you the best of luck with the pregnancy, and I will keep you in my prayers.


#11

[FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3]casak, I agree with you! I didn’t think of posting anything until I got to see there was actually a heartbeat with this one. After 2 losses myself I was too scared to be happy for fear of losing another.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3]I had spotting with this pregnancy for 5 or 6 weeks in the 1st trimester. And I have looked at the TP every time I went to the bathroom with this pregnancy.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3]Yolyvette, We’ve cycles together in the past. I’m praying that this is the one for you. You’ve been though so much. [/SIZE][/FONT]


#12

[B]Csak and Jenn [/B]thnx for the kind words… your are both welcome to stay lurk around and post whenever you want, as you can see theres no expiration date for this thread so anyone is welcome to come no matter how far along we are… we can support each other just the same and those os of who are not quite as far along yet probable have a lot to learn from you.

[B]Amanda- [/B]You have also been thru a lot I’ll be thinking of you and sending you good vibes so you get another BFP soon and you get to keep it for 9 months.

[B]Csak-[/B] I think you are so right with the PTSD… this just never goes away…some days you put it in the back burner…but is not gone its still there taunting and tormenting you…keeps you on your toes just waiting for something to happen.


#13

Oh Don’t I Know

Yeah I agree with all of you it is always on the back of your mind. I panic when they say do you notice more discharge? I’m like I check all the time but I am not sure what I am looking for. I mean I know the bleeding part but yes I do feel incompetent to know what is their “change in mucus” thoughts. The nurse for my cerclage surgery asked me was I in healthcare and I was like no I have a second job taking care of my care.I think I embarrass DH a little with my questions but they are valid questions.

It is always hard. Baby steps yes. I have a to do list and everything for each day.2nd trimester and even 3rd is just not even talked about normally. After we had the loss, my BIL told me about all their losses and they have 2 kids. I only knew about 1 loss. It made DH and I feel human and not isolated. And my re told me there is a window of PTL and infections weeks 16-24. Most are unexplained like mine.

My RE and OB have been wonderful and I wouldn’t trade them. After the loss, we started a plan, cerclage, bedrest, PIO shots, biweekly cervical checks. The nurses know my name. I call when I feel a pain too long. Right now I’ll do anything to save my bean.

You know President Bush was on TV the other day talking about the miscarriage of his mom and how he was sworn to secrecy. I hope this starts more open dialogue.

Esperanza XOXO

[QUOTE=Yolyvette][B]Csak and Jenn [/B]thnx for the kind words… your are both welcome to stay lurk around and post whenever you want, as you can see theres no expiration date for this thread so anyone is welcome to come no matter how far along we are… we can support each other just the same and those os of who are not quite as far along yet probable have a lot to learn from you.

[B]Amanda- [/B]You have also been thru a lot I’ll be thinking of you and sending you good vibes so you get another BFP soon and you get to keep it for 9 months.

[B]Csak-[/B] I think you are so right with the PTSD… this just never goes away…some days you put it in the back burner…but is not gone its still there taunting and tormenting you…keeps you on your toes just waiting for something to happen.[/QUOTE]


#14

Hi gals, great thread! Just wanted to stop by and say “hi” and see if I can join. I too have have so many losses as we all have. I am now 17 weeks pregnant and actually feel pretty good both mentally and physically although I know all too well what can happen.

Good luck to all of you, I am here for you.


#15

hello

hello ladies-

first of all, i am glad that yoly (thanks for the invite!) started this thread. and i do agree that pregnancy is forever different when you have experienced loss of pregnancy. with miscarriage you do lose that innocence that everything will be fine…because well, sometimes, it’s really not.

my heart goes out to all of you and all your losses-no matter in what way shape or form they were in.

as you can see from my signature i have had so many miscarriages. i have had 3 (i think) chemical pregnancies; 4 missed abortions; 1 spontaneous miscarriage (with donor egg). so for me, it’s the ultrasound that is most traumatic. i go along in the pregnancy-symptomatic and everything-go in for a 6-8 week scan and boom, no heartbeat. once we even had a heartbeat for two ultrasounds and then the third-nothing. i can’t even describe how terrified i am now of ultrasounds. even when it’s not to find a heartbeat! total PTSD.

so yes, i am pregnant again-with DE-but of course it’s not simple. i did go for a 6 week scan and he saw two gestational sacs-one was empty and one had a yolk sac. no heartbeat in either one. so-now i have to wait a whole week to find out if the pregnancy is viable. apparently sometimes-6 weeks 0 days is too early to see a HB esp with multiple gestations. but for me, its completely tortuous. loss after loss after loss and now an unclear scan. im more nauseous than i have ever been and that includes with my daughter. im hoping that i wouldn’t be this sick if something wasn’t happening. i just hope it’s a baby growing there…

plus, after all this heartache and emotional turmoil-this is going to be it for us. if this is another loss, i think someone is trying to tell us something. i want two children so badly-and i KNOW there are those of you and many out there that are struggling for one so i apologize if im offending anyone-but it’s what i want and desire so much. but maybe it’s just not meant to be. i hope and pray every day for a miracle and there will be a beating heart on thursday.

i know you ladies can understand.

Mia


#16

Yolyvette - OMG - the SAME thing happened to me with red lint from my underwear!!! See I already love this thread!! When I was on the October IVF thread, I would post things about how I was feeling anxious with each upcoming beta or ultrasound because I was afraid of my #'s not being good or afraid of not seeing a sac, or no heartbeat, and no one would really acknowledge those comments. Most of the ladies on that board were first timers, and I don’t think they knew what to say or just couldn’t relate because they didn’t know where I was coming from. I still post on there every once in a while, but I never really felt like I connected with most of those ladies. I was the first to get pregnant on that board, yet ladies that are 2-3 weeks behind me were making tickers, buying maternity clothes, etc, and I just wanted to shake them and be like, “DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT COULD STILL HAPPEN??? DON’T YOU GET IT???” That’s when I started feeling like a downer, and stopped posting as much. If I can’t be me and say what I want to say there’s no point in me posting. I will not blow sunshine up people’s butts. I hope to God that they never experience what we have gone through. But in the long run, I know that we are stronger people for surviving and moving forward.

Lovinmybabies - I am so, so sorry for your losses. You have really been run through the mill. I will give you hugs too!! :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: . I also did the Xanax and Lexapro since my first loss. I stopped the Xanax a while back, but I am still weaning off the Lexapro. I am down to 1/2 a tablet every other day. I do feel my anxiety level creeping back up, but I am trying to do breathing excercises to help me through it. I really don’t want to be taking anything if this pregnancy continues the way it has…but if this baby is born, I hope the pharmacy has a full stock of Lexapro and Xanax on hand, because I WILL be needing it!

casak - I am very sorry for your losses as well. Congrats on your current pregnancy. 25 weeks is a huge milestone!! :flower: PTSD is the perfect analogy to what we have experienced. Pregnancy loss is horrible for any woman, but when you have IF and have to have treatments just to GET pregnant in the first place it’s even worse…I was literally shell shocked after my first loss…all I could think of is, “Where did my baby go??”…I would just stare off into space thinking that over and over…eventually I started having panic attacks that culminated in me being curled up in a ball in bed for 4 days convinced that I was going to die. My DH had to take me to the emergency room where a doctor finally had the good sense to give me Xanax, as the Lexapro didn’t kick in right away…Here I am 2.5 years later, further along than I have ever made it before, yet I will NEVER forget that time of my life, or how low I was at that point.

We have a long winding road ahead of us, but we will all make it through together. Have a great evening everyone!!


#17

:welcome: [B]TKO[/B] so nice to see you here… of course you can join.

:welcome: [B]MIA[/B]- I’m really sorry for your loses… in here we all really know and we CAN say I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. We will all be thinking of you and sending you good vibes so there’s a healthy heart beat on that next scan.


#18

Lets start a topic

Ok so I have many conserns and questions IDK how to answer to myself

For example: after going thru all of this… when is it really safe for us to tell people?

I’ve talked about it with DH and I just cant bring myself to even pinpoint a time when ill be able to feel confortable enough to tell people.

I already decided I’m not going to tell friends at all… I’ll just let everyone figure it out… if anyone dares to ask me I wond deny it but ill just let them figure out by themselve if I reach that beach ball belly size.

Now family is a different matter… i thought maybe if I reach the 25 week mark i could tell closest family like mom dad and siblings… just not really sure…
those of you who are farthest along… when did you tell if you have at all???


#19

[quote=Yolyvette]Ok so I have many conserns and questions IDK how to answer to myself

For example: after going thru all of this… when is it really safe for us to tell people?

I’ve talked about it with DH and I just cant bring myself to even pinpoint a time when ill be able to feel confortable enough to tell people.

I already decided I’m not going to tell friends at all… I’ll just let everyone figure it out… if anyone dares to ask me I wond deny it but ill just let them figure out by themselve if I reach that beach ball belly size.

Now family is a different matter… i thought maybe if I reach the 25 week mark i could tell closest family like mom dad and siblings… just not really sure…
those of you who are farthest along… when did you tell if you have at all???[/quote]

[FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3]I told my 3 closest friends after the 2nd beta. I wanted to have a support system ready to go. Family we told at 12 week after we had 4 u/s and knew the heartbeat was still doing well and we had done the b/w for the down’s testing.[/SIZE][/FONT]


#20

Yolyvette- Hi sweetie, we cycled together awhile back. I’ve been on the board for a year now and have kept up with some of the things you have been through in that time. I just want to say that I hope this is it for you and that your little bean grows nice and strong!

For us after our 9wk u/s which was the 2nd time seeing/and then hearing the HB we decided to tell our parents. They had known that we were doing some procedures and like Jowen said we wanted the support if god forbid something happened. I had a rough 1st trimester that had me home sick till about 14wks, to most of our friends that pretty much gave it away. Like you said, I didn’t deny the truth when asked but it definitely made me anxious. I also have made small milestones for myself. At almost 33wks I try to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy even through all the aches and pains.

I wish all you girls the best of luck in your journeys…I will be back to check on you all:)