[QUOTE=stefanieleigh81]I confess that I am so embarassed to have fertility problems and have yet to even speak to my mother-in-law since my last failed IVF because I’m so ashamed of myself.
I confess I’m always wondering if my husband regrets marrying me since I’m the one with the infertility and wish he would just admit it so it’s finally out in the open.
I confess that even though I am happy my best friend, who also suffered with infertility, is now pregnant, I am also very angry at her for getting pregnant when I can’t…it feels like a breakup.
I confess that I secretly think my YOUNGER brother’s wife got pregnant just to piss me off because she knows I can’t.
I confess that I start backing away from friends who find out they are now pregnant, I hate being the elephant in the room…nothing sucks the joy out of a baby shower like a infertile woman.
I confess that even though I am in the process of accepting that fact I will never have a bio child and excited about looking into adoption I’m worried if it will be the same and if I’ll honestly love the child as my own…I think I will, but how can you be sure!!!
But mostly, I confess (and only online, never outloud) I am still so angry…at myself…at God…at life. I know it will get easier, the wound is still fresh (see sig) but the thought of it never totally going away terrifies me. I was once a very light-hearted, joyful person. Infertility has stole so much of that from me.
Please tell me i’m not the only one with confessions…[/QUOTE]
I have confessions like that to myself every day. I am always realizing something new, feeling like a terrible person for my terrible feelings, and then feeling like I am sabotaging my success by feeling terrible. I feel like such a useless failure because I can’t get and stay pregnant. Right now it seems like nothing else matters. Pregnant women and all mothers seem so much more important to me. I was pregnant for a short time with my last IVF, and it felt amazing. For a short time it felt like all my hard work had paid off and my journey was coming to a happy ending. My husband assures me that I’ll get pregnant again and we’ll get children, but I know there is no certainty.
I completely understand your feelings. I too feel so ashamed of myself. I too have such a hard time right now around friends and family because I am so jealous, ashamed, angry, everything. My husband is the one with the medical infertility, but that doesn’t make the infertility feel any less mine. I do think about how much easier it could have been on me if I had fallen in love and married someone else - someone I could have easily had children with - but I don’t want someone else’s children, I want his. I want so badly to give him children.
I had such a breakdown today. I realized that the only thing that makes me feel better right now, the only thing that makes me at all happy, is feeling my love for my husband and feeling his love for me. I realized how much harder I think the journey is than the end will be. I know that there are so many endings that can make me happy. Really I can see myself being happy with any ending. The hard part is not knowing what ending it’s going to be and how long it’s going to take getting there. I’m trying to just focus on my love for my husband and his love for me, and I’m trying to be happy and excited for the place we’re in now. I’m trying to be excited to take my birth control pills, starting another IVF cycle, and everything it represents towards having children.
I imagine my words probably won’t be much consolation to you, but I appreciate your bravery in your post and how it helped me connect to my own emotions. I wish you the best of luck and imagine you’ll be a great mother to whatever children you are given. I think the fact alone that you worry about how much you’ll love your children should tell you your worries aren’t right.