Confessions


#1

I confess that I am so embarassed to have fertility problems and have yet to even speak to my mother-in-law since my last failed IVF because I’m so ashamed of myself.

I confess I’m always wondering if my husband regrets marrying me since I’m the one with the infertility and wish he would just admit it so it’s finally out in the open.

I confess that even though I am happy my best friend, who also suffered with infertility, is now pregnant, I am also very angry at her for getting pregnant when I can’t…it feels like a breakup.

I confess that I secretly think my YOUNGER brother’s wife got pregnant just to piss me off because she knows I can’t.

I confess that I start backing away from friends who find out they are now pregnant, I hate being the elephant in the room…nothing sucks the joy out of a baby shower like a infertile woman.

I confess that even though I am in the process of accepting that fact I will never have a bio child and excited about looking into adoption I’m worried if it will be the same and if I’ll honestly love the child as my own…I think I will, but how can you be sure!!!

But mostly, I confess (and only online, never outloud) I am still so angry…at myself…at God…at life. I know it will get easier, the wound is still fresh (see sig) but the thought of it never totally going away terrifies me. I was once a very light-hearted, joyful person. Infertility has stole so much of that from me.

Please tell me i’m not the only one with confessions…


#2

stefanieleigh81 - Wow! You basically summed up 99% of my feelings. I was just telling my husband the other day that I have been feeling bitter towards God and yet also feeling guilty about my last failed IVF cycle because I feel that i am being punished for feeling so bitter during that cycle.


#3

[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that I am devastated each time I hear that another friend is pregnant….this is never to say that I am not happy for someone….I always am. But, that doesn’t take away the fact that I am devastated for myself, and it is always a reminder of what I don’t have. [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’] [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that each time one of my friends makes a pregnancy announcement on FB, I immediately delete them from my newsfeed.[/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’] [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that I haven’t congratulated my best friend on her 3rd pregnancy.[/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’] [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that staying optimistic gets harder and harder with each passing failed cycle. [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’] [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that I don’t know what the future holds for us. I try to stay optimistic, but there is no guarantee in the game of infertility. [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’] [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that I don’t know if I could ever accept not having a child of my own flesh and blood. I am scared that I would live the rest of my life never full-filling what I wanted most….to make a baby that is half me and half DH. [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’] [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that I am scared that at some point DH may regret marrying me….someone that may never be able to give him the child that he wants and deserves. [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’] [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that I constantly think I must have done something very wrong to deserve infertility.[/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’] [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that I worry that in the future that my awesome marriage may not be able to endure my pain, my sadness, our disappointment, the weight of our heartbreak. Would there ever be a time that those things outweighed our love for each other?[/FONT]


#4

[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that I am devastated each time I hear that another friend is pregnant….this is never to say that I am not happy for someone….I always am. But, that doesn’t take away the fact that I am devastated for myself, and it is always a reminder of what I don’t have. [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’] [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that each time one of my friends makes a pregnancy announcement on FB, I immediately delete them from my newsfeed.[/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’] [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that I haven’t congratulated my best friend on her 3rd pregnancy.[/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’] [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that staying optimistic gets harder and harder with each passing failed cycle. [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’] [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that I don’t know what the future holds for us. I try to stay optimistic, but there is no guarantee in the game of infertility. [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’] [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that I don’t know if I could ever accept not having a child of my own flesh and blood. I am scared that I would live the rest of my life never full-filling what I wanted most….to make a baby that is half me and half DH. [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’] [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that I am scared that at some point DH may regret marrying me….someone that may never be able to give him the child that he wants and deserves. [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’] [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that I constantly think I must have done something very wrong to deserve infertility.[/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’] [/FONT]
[FONT=‘Verdana’,‘sans-serif’]-I confess that I worry that in the future that my awesome marriage may not be able to endure my pain, my sadness, our disappointment, the weight of our heartbreak. Would there ever be a time that those things outweighed our love for each other?[/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT]


#5

Honey, I’m so sorry!! Everything you wrote is so courageous. Even just to admit feeling those things is really important. It’s so hard. Infertility feels so helpless. It took us seven years to get here (Well, actually more, we’ve been married for 10 and never used anything to prevent it, but only actively running after it for the last 7.) And I felt everything you spoke of, especially watching my friends all around me get prenant like rabbits. Once I was even sitting in a park watching baby ducks and I got so angry and jealous at the ducks! How dare they have it so easy!!!

We really didn’t think it was goign to happen for us (and it could still go all wrong! it’s early) and I started to get our foster parent paper work together. And it is something that I still think I want to do regardless. I asked myself that same question many times about how the love for an adopted child might feel. But I see you have dogs. And think of how much you love your dogs (okay, except when they’re doing something gross or destructive as dogs are prone to doing :D). And they’re essentially your adoptive children and think of how much you love them! I have two, and I’m the biggest dork with how much I love them. And they’re just DOGS! So my love for an adoptive child would probably explode my heart.

And don’t forget that you are still a young gal! You’ve got at least 12 years ahead of you to figure this out. Share your fears with your husband and don’t ever be embarrassed about what you’re going through. It isn’t your fault!

:grouphug:


#6

Ladies…try to stay positive. You have nothing to be ashamed about. It ook me 6 cycles before I had my daughter. Worth everything I ever went through.
stay strong and good luck


#7

[QUOTE=stefanieleigh81]I confess that I am so embarassed to have fertility problems and have yet to even speak to my mother-in-law since my last failed IVF because I’m so ashamed of myself.

I confess I’m always wondering if my husband regrets marrying me since I’m the one with the infertility and wish he would just admit it so it’s finally out in the open.

I confess that even though I am happy my best friend, who also suffered with infertility, is now pregnant, I am also very angry at her for getting pregnant when I can’t…it feels like a breakup.

I confess that I secretly think my YOUNGER brother’s wife got pregnant just to piss me off because she knows I can’t.

I confess that I start backing away from friends who find out they are now pregnant, I hate being the elephant in the room…nothing sucks the joy out of a baby shower like a infertile woman.

I confess that even though I am in the process of accepting that fact I will never have a bio child and excited about looking into adoption I’m worried if it will be the same and if I’ll honestly love the child as my own…I think I will, but how can you be sure!!!

But mostly, I confess (and only online, never outloud) I am still so angry…at myself…at God…at life. I know it will get easier, the wound is still fresh (see sig) but the thought of it never totally going away terrifies me. I was once a very light-hearted, joyful person. Infertility has stole so much of that from me.

Please tell me i’m not the only one with confessions…[/QUOTE]

I have confessions like that to myself every day. I am always realizing something new, feeling like a terrible person for my terrible feelings, and then feeling like I am sabotaging my success by feeling terrible. I feel like such a useless failure because I can’t get and stay pregnant. Right now it seems like nothing else matters. Pregnant women and all mothers seem so much more important to me. I was pregnant for a short time with my last IVF, and it felt amazing. For a short time it felt like all my hard work had paid off and my journey was coming to a happy ending. My husband assures me that I’ll get pregnant again and we’ll get children, but I know there is no certainty.

I completely understand your feelings. I too feel so ashamed of myself. I too have such a hard time right now around friends and family because I am so jealous, ashamed, angry, everything. My husband is the one with the medical infertility, but that doesn’t make the infertility feel any less mine. I do think about how much easier it could have been on me if I had fallen in love and married someone else - someone I could have easily had children with - but I don’t want someone else’s children, I want his. I want so badly to give him children.

I had such a breakdown today. I realized that the only thing that makes me feel better right now, the only thing that makes me at all happy, is feeling my love for my husband and feeling his love for me. I realized how much harder I think the journey is than the end will be. I know that there are so many endings that can make me happy. Really I can see myself being happy with any ending. The hard part is not knowing what ending it’s going to be and how long it’s going to take getting there. I’m trying to just focus on my love for my husband and his love for me, and I’m trying to be happy and excited for the place we’re in now. I’m trying to be excited to take my birth control pills, starting another IVF cycle, and everything it represents towards having children.

I imagine my words probably won’t be much consolation to you, but I appreciate your bravery in your post and how it helped me connect to my own emotions. I wish you the best of luck and imagine you’ll be a great mother to whatever children you are given. I think the fact alone that you worry about how much you’ll love your children should tell you your worries aren’t right.


#8

Beautiful thread…

Stefanie & Hoping - you are brave women.


#9

Hi Stephanie,

I am sorry you are going through this. I just had a failed mini ivf and I don’t know what to do because that one mini cycle was all we could afford right now. So I can relate to you sooo much. I also feel angry that other people have babies so easily, and that they have to use family planning! My God, what a concept, to actually try and avoid a pregnancy. What a dream that would be.

May you be blessed with a beautiful healthy child soon.


#10

Stef

You really are so brave to even be able to write these things about yourself. I promise that you are not the only one who has these confessions. You mentioned so many things that I myself have felt after three failed iuis.
Do you know how angry I feel at times? It disgusts me to see myself in the mirror sometimes when I am feeling so angry and jealous over what God has given so easily to people who dont always deserve it. You are not alone :grouphug:


#11

stephanie…

:grouphug:

You took the words out of my mouth! I work at a children’s hospital and find myself thinking daily: this is not fair. I have one other confession that is on top of my mind always…but cannot share anywhere else. Don’t hate me… I confess that while
I was younger, I was pregnant and made a choice that I regret daily. :frowning: I think this is punishment.


#12

thanks ladies for the support, sometimes it feels better just to get it out. i don’t think its fair we have to go through the most emotional thing ever and feel we can not having these feelings. i don’t think i can keep them in anymore, i think its just making me mean.

smitty- although our pasts are different, i totally understand what you mean you think this is a punishment. i find myself constantly racking my brain, thinking “was i a bad person?” or “did i hurt someone along the way??” i think its human to try to justify what is going on…i NEED a reason to be suffering. a lot of times i wonder if God knows I would just be a bad mother!!! would i be a bad mother!!! i don’t think so…if anything i would appreciate the experience more now than ever before…it makes me mad i can’t justify it.

i also confess getting mad when i’m see a woman with 3-4 kids, like in walmart, and the kids are running around or acting up…i often think…“she gets 3/4, and i cant even get ONE!!! really??” then i feel bad about the thoughts because that poor woman doesn’t even know me…its not her fault i have become obsessed with this.

im scared at the fact that i seem to be filled with so much negativity. its so hard to see the joy in everything, the holidays are so hard. my brother has a new baby, born this past May…and i’m feeling so guilty my parents are coming to visit me this Christmas instead of my brother (we all live in different states). there is nothing to visit at my house…just me and my husband…my brother has two girls under the age of 5…that is where my parents should go for Christmas…I feel i don’t deserve to have the family out here…its boring here.

i’m not looking for sympathy, i guess i am having my own little pitty party. basically i just think this SUCKS and we are ALOUD to be MAD and say it with our fists pounding. if we keep it in, it will eat us alive.

does anyone else have confessions??


#13

I had a mom sit in my office and cry because she was pregnant again. I just feel like her issue is much easier to avoid. Grr! I literally had to excuse myself for a minute.

I go back to “God won’t give you more than you can handle” and though it pisses me off, every now and then I can find the positives: I have learned so much about myself and my hubby its amazing! He’s so much more supportive than I ever imagined! We have two furbabies that we wouldn’t have otherwise. And I know we will be good mommies, either through adoption or ivf. We will forever appreciate the gift and cherish it so much more. I truly know this in my heart!

And I’m amazed at my skill in giving myself injections! Never thought I could.

See…who knew?! And I’m thankful for all you ladies who I will probly never meet, but wish I could! :wink:


#14

We have Male Factor infertility and I must tell you that I have never for one second regretted marrying my dh. There is not a single person in the world that I would want to journey through life with. Infertility has not changed my love for him in anyway and I am sure that your dh would feel the same way.

I spent a long time full of jealousy and bitterness. As I talk to more women I realize that my life is not that bad, I have great friends, a supportive family and a dh that is unbelievable. Many are jealous of what we have … it is all perspective.

We all have these confessions. Thank you for sharing.


#15

I have SO many of these exact feelings… you all are not alone, and thanks to your confessions… I now know I’m not either.

My situation has an added level of resentment… I’m single. I have often wondered why God didn’t bring that special guy into my life when I was younger… How all my friends seemed to fall into relationships that just worked out… I also resent God for taking my Mother 5 years ago which sent me into such a depression the thought of dating or having a baby seemed beyond what I could handle (she left me with a business and other responsibilities for which I had to move my life of 20 years up to my home town to care for it all).

Thank you for your honesty… Thank you for listening…


#16

I confess…

1.) After two losses in IVF I seriously wonder if it will ever work.

2.) I dispise insurance companies for not covering fertility treatments for anyone who needs it.

3.) I love my RE but have considered switching clinic and RE’s because after IVF#3 and MC #2 I am feeling like maybe he is missing something.

4.) I am terrified that my DH younger brother who is engaged is going to get married and have a baby before we ever do and we have been married for almost 14 years.

5.) I have let IVF define my life for so long that I have no idea what makes me happy anymore.

6.) I confess IVF has shown me just how much stronger my marriage really is than most and how lucky I am for that.

7.) I have met some great friends over the years but none as great as the two women I have become friends with from this forum who have walked in my shoes or are currently walking in my shoes.

8.) When my RE tells me that my thirtysomething age is young I always roll my eyes at him and think in my head “yeah right, I am running out of time and you know it”

9.) I confess that I resent not being able to just have sex with DH when we want during treatments. I mean seriously, no sex while trying to get pregnant is nuts.

10.) I confess that I truly think adoption is amazing but I seriously can’t imagine giving up on my dream of being pregnant and carrying a child that is part of my DH and/or myself just yet, not there yet but maybe soon.

11.) I confess that I have spent almost 40K so far this year on IVF treatments and still have not been successful and hate that this last IVF attempt will pretty much mean we are giving up on our dream house. A little ironic that we saved all this money to build our dream house in the country to raise our children in and now we can’t have the dream house if we want children, and there is no guarantee that we are giving up on one for the other, we may be giving up on both after the money is all spent.

I have many more confessions and I could be here all day typing them but you all know and understand these confessions aren’t as crazy as they sound.


#17

I just want to say that you girls are amazing. I never considered all the pain and heartbreak that goes with infertility until I joined this board. I want you all to know that you are strong women and you show it everyday. Best of luck to you all and I pray that you all get to be a mom somehow. You inspire me to appreciate what I have on a daily basis.


#18

[quote=incompletefamily]I confess…

1.) After two losses in IVF I seriously wonder if it will ever work.

2.) I dispise insurance companies for not covering fertility treatments for anyone who needs it.

3.) I love my RE but have considered switching clinic and RE’s because after IVF#3 and MC #2 I am feeling like maybe he is missing something.

4.) I am terrified that my DH younger brother who is engaged is going to get married and have a baby before we ever do and we have been married for almost 14 years.

5.) I have let IVF define my life for so long that I have no idea what makes me happy anymore.

6.) I confess IVF has shown me just how much stronger my marriage really is than most and how lucky I am for that.

7.) I have met some great friends over the years but none as great as the two women I have become friends with from this forum who have walked in my shoes or are currently walking in my shoes.

8.) When my RE tells me that my thirtysomething age is young I always roll my eyes at him and think in my head “yeah right, I am running out of time and you know it”

9.) I confess that I resent not being able to just have sex with DH when we want during treatments. I mean seriously, no sex while trying to get pregnant is nuts.

10.) I confess that I truly think adoption is amazing but I seriously can’t imagine giving up on my dream of being pregnant and carrying a child that is part of my DH and/or myself just yet, not there yet but maybe soon.

11.) I confess that I have spent almost 40K so far this year on IVF treatments and still have not been successful and hate that this last IVF attempt will pretty much mean we are giving up on our dream house. A little ironic that we saved all this money to build our dream house in the country to raise our children in and now we can’t have the dream house if we want children, and there is no guarantee that we are giving up on one for the other, we may be giving up on both after the money is all spent.

I have many more confessions and I could be here all day typing them but you all know and understand these confessions aren’t as crazy as they sound.[/quote]

I can really relate to a lot of these. Especially number 9. Its crazy how differently my husband and I look at sex now…i miss the days before TTC when it was just fun…before IVF we spent 2 yrs of planning, calculating, selecting “fertile positons”, it sucked all the joy out of it. Then during IVF who had time or the energy to think about sex!!! I confess now when I’m angry about the infertility, I think, “what’s the point in sex!!! its not like we are going to get pregnant…” and i know that frame of thought is bad.

Also number 5…in my family and circle of friends I have become “that girl”, and i have let it happen. i cant really blame them, i have also let the IVF define my marriage. we have been TTC since the day we got married. i don’t know who i would be now…or what our marriage would be if we weren’t in this process. the only silver lining is my husband and i both believe, it we can make it though this together, we can make it though anything!


#19

[QUOTE=incompletefamily]I confess…

1.) After two losses in IVF I seriously wonder if it will ever work.

2.) I dispise insurance companies for not covering fertility treatments for anyone who needs it.

3.) I love my RE but have considered switching clinic and RE’s because after IVF#3 and MC #2 I am feeling like maybe he is missing something.

4.) I am terrified that my DH younger brother who is engaged is going to get married and have a baby before we ever do and we have been married for almost 14 years.

5.) I have let IVF define my life for so long that I have no idea what makes me happy anymore.

6.) I confess IVF has shown me just how much stronger my marriage really is than most and how lucky I am for that.

7.) I have met some great friends over the years but none as great as the two women I have become friends with from this forum who have walked in my shoes or are currently walking in my shoes.

8.) When my RE tells me that my thirtysomething age is young I always roll my eyes at him and think in my head “yeah right, I am running out of time and you know it”

9.) I confess that I resent not being able to just have sex with DH when we want during treatments. I mean seriously, no sex while trying to get pregnant is nuts.

10.) I confess that I truly think adoption is amazing but I seriously can’t imagine giving up on my dream of being pregnant and carrying a child that is part of my DH and/or myself just yet, not there yet but maybe soon.

11.) I confess that I have spent almost 40K so far this year on IVF treatments and still have not been successful and hate that this last IVF attempt will pretty much mean we are giving up on our dream house. A little ironic that we saved all this money to build our dream house in the country to raise our children in and now we can’t have the dream house if we want children, and there is no guarantee that we are giving up on one for the other, we may be giving up on both after the money is all spent.

I have many more confessions and I could be here all day typing them but you all know and understand these confessions aren’t as crazy as they sound.[/QUOTE]

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE listen to your instincts on switching clinics/RE’s. I felt that way with my clinic and found CCRM which works with each woman’s body individually, not statistics, but individually to find out what’s going on. Then the blood work they do while doing your monitoring, they check everything so they switch up your meds on a daily if needed… (and do transfer a month after retrieval so there are no hormones from the shots in you anymore) which he said bumped up their success rates too…

Such a relief to find a place that’s preemptive (is that spelled right?) on making sure they know every detail of your body (they do a 1 day work up before you even get started). Their success rates are 10% higher than anywhere else in the country too…

I’m not here to sell them… but… I’m here to support you in your feelings because I had the same issue and really don’t have time to not make quick changes if I want a chance to have a baby.

Listen to yourself… if you aren’t 100% confident in them… walk away, or at least do some research on other clinics to make yourself feel better about the place you’re with…

xox