I’m writing out of desperation today. I’m 32, and my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant naturally for several years now, and because we travel so much, we haven’t been able to sit down and consult specialists yet.
We are going to move to our home country in a few months, settle down, and seek help and treatments which is something very hard for us to accept, since we have wanted to conceive naturally for so long.
As the time for testing and treatment is approaching, I seem to be more and more obsessed by still trying to conceive naturally, and every single months, my mood and emotions swing like an incomprehensible roller coaster…
When I have my period every month, I usually feel some sort of paradoxal relief. Relief because part of me feels I am not physically and emotionally ready for pregnancy. Relief because since I am not pregnant, I don’t have to care about what I eat and drink as much as if I were pregnant. Relief and hope that I still have time to get in shape and better prepare for pregnancy.
Then with the ovulation window of my cycle, comes the trying and the hope. A few days after my period, we resume sex and I usually know when the time comes for trying a little harder than usual.
Finally, a few days before my period starts again, comes the intense anxiety and obsession. I’m scrutinizing my body, feelings and even dreams for signs and symptoms. I am completely obsessed and even convince myself that I must be pregnant… I don’t sleep well, I fantasize, I worry and I obsess. And I don’t know if it is not being pregnant that I’m afraid of, or actually being pregnant…
This last phase is particularly painful. My level of anxiety is unbearable. I go from excitement, through uncertainty, to crying and even anger. I end up spending money on useless and countless ovulation and pregnancy tests each month, and find myself taking my anger out on others at work or at home. I think this phase is also accentuated by the pre-menstrual hormones causing slight depression perhaps. At the end of my cycle I feel totally hopeless… Then comes my period, and I jumpstart my engine again into motion and motivation.
It’s a vicious circle. I know the only solution is confronting our infertility by getting out of these patterns, and getting help.
But I’m in a lonely place and I was wondering if other women have gone through similar situations. I don’t usually speak much of these problems to anyone outside of my couple, and I don’t really have anyone to speak to. I feel insane at times, and overreacting way too much. I need to distance myself from these situations, be more relaxed, and laid back. But it’s not easy. I’d also like to adopt but my husband wants to have a biological child first… I guess this makes me feel even more misunderstood and isolated. I just want to be a mother really, more than anything. This is the only thing we don’t agree on. For all the rest, we have a pretty good communication and comprehension of each other, although we are different of course.