Depression?


#1

I guess I mainly just need to get this off my chest and see if anyone else has experienced this as well. I’m about 7 weeks pregnant with twins, I just found out last Tuesday that there were two buns in the oven. After the shock wore off the depression hit and has not let. I don’t feel happy or excited about any of this anymore, I’m more scared than anything, jumping at every weird feeling in my body praying one of the twins isn’t ‘vanishing’.

I also am constantly thinking about my husbands future deployment, he is due to deploy only a matter of two months after the twins are due, leaving me alone. This is my first pregnancy, I have no idea what to do and no family with in 3,000 miles. He told me that if he went to college he could avoid getting deployed… but he says we need the money. Deployment money is not that much better than normal and he would be missing every key milestone in his childrens life.

He’s never once come down and just sat with me, knowing i’m freaking out… he just goes upstairs and pvp’s with his brother on eve.

I just… I’m at a loss on what to do. I can’t feel excited about this anymore.


#2

Boys need to be hit on the head with our feelings. Otherwise they don’t realize something serious is going on. Talk to him. Don’t wait for him to come to you.

I hope things get better soon. You may want to talk to your doctor about your feelings too.


#3

If you’re going to be alone with the babies, couldn’t someone in your family or his family stay with you a couple weeks or months to help out? You mentioned they live far away, but most grandparents would jump at the opportunity to help with their new grandkids and be on a plane as soon as possible.

It might be hard to accept help if you’re someone (like me) with a know-it-all mother or MIL or other relative who thinks things should be done with babies the way they were done decades ago. You’ll have to tell them ahead of time that you’re in charge and they are assistants and hopefully they’ll remember that (mine didn’t). But, seriously, help is help and it’ll allow you to get some much-needed rest postpartum. With twins, you’ll probably have a c-section and recovery is tough.

But, yeah, I agree with the previous poster that men (even the brightest ones) sometimes don’t have a clue. You have to spell it all out for them.


#4

My mother in law while she is actually only two hours away works for a big company, she does a lot of traveling across the world for them, and frankly her new husband is a royal jackass.

My own parents… well they are the ones back in Washington state (i’m in north carolina) My mother as much as I love her is clinicly insane, highly suicidal and multiple personalities. She is heavily medicated and her medications have to be under lock and key constantly. She can drop into a suicidal depression or one of her other personalities takes over at the drop of a hat. I can’t have that kind of responsibility of making sure she doesn’t go suicidal while taking care of new born twins. She wants to help but I would only have her come over if my father came but he works for the state patrol and is the sole income of the house.

I’m really isolated here, I have a marine wife I have never met willing to help but no one can be here 24/7


#5

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so alone. Take one thing at a time. Share here, and we’d be happy to help you through it.

In the meantime, is it possible for you to start looking around to hire some help after the birth?


#6

Zerachiel, I felt the same way when I found out that I was pregnant initially with triplets and ultimately twins. Our DD was still a baby, and we have no family close by to help. I was absolutely terrified. I would have moments of panic and cried every day for the first few months. By the time my brain started to adjust to the idea of twins and that maybe we could handle it, given my infertility history, I became convinced that they would not survive. I had sinusitis and pneumonia that was awful in the first trimester, a large subchorionic hemorrhage, the vanishing triplet, and severe morning sickness. The nausea lasted until 5 months, and by the time it improved, I had bad reflux and was painfully uncomfortable. The pregnancy was miserable. Their birth happened urgently a week earlier than planned but went smoothly. I was in love with the babies immediately (didn’t think this would happen!) They were so worth the very difficult pregnancy experience. I have had a difficult post-partum course and have had to reach out for support, but I am so glad that I have these sweet babies.

I would work to build as much of a support system as you can during pregnancy. If you have a local mothers of multiples group, then they will be a great source of support. Many churches offer support to new mothers. Find a mommy and me group, a book club, any place to make new friends. Most women want to help! It will be OK. :grouphug:

P.S. If you think that you are depressed, definitely seek help. The longer that you wait the harder it is to treat, and help is available!


#7

[QUOTE=Zerachiel]My mother in law while she is actually only two hours away works for a big company, she does a lot of traveling across the world for them, and frankly her new husband is a royal jackass.

My own parents… well they are the ones back in Washington state (i’m in north carolina) My mother as much as I love her is clinicly insane, highly suicidal and multiple personalities. She is heavily medicated and her medications have to be under lock and key constantly. She can drop into a suicidal depression or one of her other personalities takes over at the drop of a hat. I can’t have that kind of responsibility of making sure she doesn’t go suicidal while taking care of new born twins. She wants to help but I would only have her come over if my father came but he works for the state patrol and is the sole income of the house.

I’m really isolated here, I have a marine wife I have never met willing to help but no one can be here 24/7[/QUOTE]

I’m sorry to hear about your mom’s situation. (And I thought my mom and MIL were nuts.)

An idea could be to research local community colleges or universities and see if any have early childhood education or nursing programs and contact someone in charge there. Oftentimes students are required to have a certain amount of volunteer hours for course credit and that could mean free help for you…even if it’s only a few hours a week.

Another option would be to contact a local assisted living facility for seniors and speak to someone in charge about whether there are abled bodied and capable residents who can drive who might want to help out. Maybe they’ll post something on the bulletin board. Many of the women there may have been military wives themselves at one time during Vietnam or Korea and will be able to relate to what you’re going through (although it’s unlikely any of them had twins) with your husband being away. I’d imagine they’d jump at the chance to help and to do things that don’t involve senior citizen stuff such as playing bingo, checkers, etc.

If there’s a “mothers of multiples” club in your area, you might want to go to one of their get togethers and talk to members and see how they managed with twins.

If you haven’t already done so, you might also want to visit the military’s counseling office/social service office and speak to someone there and see what they suggest.


#8

Zerachiel, I think everything you’re feeling is totally understandable, but I thought I’d also just mention something that many people don’t realize. There is a type of depression that can be coincident with pregnancy–it’s basically similar to post-partum depression, except, I guess, it’s… just partum depression? I don’t know. Anyway, it doesn’t get talked about a lot and I think it’s not terribly common, but basically, you’re suddenly dealing with a whole lot of hormone changes and you do have a lot on your mind, so it could be simultaneously exacerbating and hiding some underlying depression that may be caused by the pregnancy in the first place. There are a couple of things that make me think what you’re feeling may not be just “rational” anxiety. First of all, you talk about not being able to feel happy or excited things about your pregnancy, which is one red flag. Another is that you mention thinking about these things “constantly” and that “scared” is a big part of your emotions. Depression often manifests as anxiety, particularly at a persistent or obsessive level. Like I said, you are facing some big stuff right now and with pregnancy, you sort of go from “normal” to pregnant (with all its implications) in a very short time, so there may not be depression, but if there is, it can be treated through either counseling or counseling together with medications that are safe in pregnancy, and I urge you to talk to your doctor sooner rather than later. Also, if you search around on the internet, you’ll find some blog posts by other people who have dealt with pregnancy depression (first- and second-hand), and you may or may not find that you recognize yourself.

Finally, I do encourage you to get as involved as you can with spouses’ groups associated with your husband’s unit. As a former officer, I tried to make sure people knew what services were available to them but there are still a lot of people who don’t or aren’t able to make use of them, often just because they don’t know how to get started. You should absolutely have good contact info for your husband’s head NCO (first shirt or other service-specific equivalent). That’s no question when he’s deployed but, particularly with a multiple pregnancy, I’d say he should bring it up sooner rather than later. You’ll need the support system in place before the births, and his chain of command should be a part of that. If the NCO is unresponsive, I’d encourage him to go privately to his commanding officer. Also, if you’re involved with a spouses’ group, if you’re not getting what you need from your husband’s command chain, they may be able to suggest another sympathetic NCO who can at least set you up with some family services. There will be an NCO or a CGO on base who is willing to get you what you need if yours won’t/can’t, and if you ask around, you may be able to figure out who it is.

I hope you can take to heart that, in my time, I’ve seen many families in very difficult situations like yours or similarly complicated, and, when the people involved were in communication with the chain of command and had a couple of families who could check in on them when times were rough, it was stressful but they got through it just fine. The problems came when people slipped through the cracks. As for your husband being gone, if he does deploy, there’s nothing that will make that not suck. I’m so sorry about that. There are things you can do, and maybe someone you know or meet will be able to help you make sure you stay in touch. Again, I’m sure if you search around, you can find a million ideas for things to do to be together when you’re so separated. However, it’s important not to feel like you have to pretend like it’s fine, or like “I’m just proud of him for going over there and serving…” Whatever, that’s crap. You want him home and you’d rather have him home than anywhere else, and it’s okay to feel that and to say it. But you’ll get through it and when he does come home, you’ll move on as a family, and you’ll remember it way more than your kids will. That’s the best I can say. I’ll be thinking about you all. Please let us know whether things start to look up for you.


#9

how are things going?