Zerachiel, I think everything you’re feeling is totally understandable, but I thought I’d also just mention something that many people don’t realize. There is a type of depression that can be coincident with pregnancy–it’s basically similar to post-partum depression, except, I guess, it’s… just partum depression? I don’t know. Anyway, it doesn’t get talked about a lot and I think it’s not terribly common, but basically, you’re suddenly dealing with a whole lot of hormone changes and you do have a lot on your mind, so it could be simultaneously exacerbating and hiding some underlying depression that may be caused by the pregnancy in the first place. There are a couple of things that make me think what you’re feeling may not be just “rational” anxiety. First of all, you talk about not being able to feel happy or excited things about your pregnancy, which is one red flag. Another is that you mention thinking about these things “constantly” and that “scared” is a big part of your emotions. Depression often manifests as anxiety, particularly at a persistent or obsessive level. Like I said, you are facing some big stuff right now and with pregnancy, you sort of go from “normal” to pregnant (with all its implications) in a very short time, so there may not be depression, but if there is, it can be treated through either counseling or counseling together with medications that are safe in pregnancy, and I urge you to talk to your doctor sooner rather than later. Also, if you search around on the internet, you’ll find some blog posts by other people who have dealt with pregnancy depression (first- and second-hand), and you may or may not find that you recognize yourself.
Finally, I do encourage you to get as involved as you can with spouses’ groups associated with your husband’s unit. As a former officer, I tried to make sure people knew what services were available to them but there are still a lot of people who don’t or aren’t able to make use of them, often just because they don’t know how to get started. You should absolutely have good contact info for your husband’s head NCO (first shirt or other service-specific equivalent). That’s no question when he’s deployed but, particularly with a multiple pregnancy, I’d say he should bring it up sooner rather than later. You’ll need the support system in place before the births, and his chain of command should be a part of that. If the NCO is unresponsive, I’d encourage him to go privately to his commanding officer. Also, if you’re involved with a spouses’ group, if you’re not getting what you need from your husband’s command chain, they may be able to suggest another sympathetic NCO who can at least set you up with some family services. There will be an NCO or a CGO on base who is willing to get you what you need if yours won’t/can’t, and if you ask around, you may be able to figure out who it is.
I hope you can take to heart that, in my time, I’ve seen many families in very difficult situations like yours or similarly complicated, and, when the people involved were in communication with the chain of command and had a couple of families who could check in on them when times were rough, it was stressful but they got through it just fine. The problems came when people slipped through the cracks. As for your husband being gone, if he does deploy, there’s nothing that will make that not suck. I’m so sorry about that. There are things you can do, and maybe someone you know or meet will be able to help you make sure you stay in touch. Again, I’m sure if you search around, you can find a million ideas for things to do to be together when you’re so separated. However, it’s important not to feel like you have to pretend like it’s fine, or like “I’m just proud of him for going over there and serving…” Whatever, that’s crap. You want him home and you’d rather have him home than anywhere else, and it’s okay to feel that and to say it. But you’ll get through it and when he does come home, you’ll move on as a family, and you’ll remember it way more than your kids will. That’s the best I can say. I’ll be thinking about you all. Please let us know whether things start to look up for you.