Desperately Sad


#1

Hello all, I was hoping I could get some advice.

I have been ttc for over two years now and have recently seen a fertility doctor. We have been married for 5 years. I came to find that I have high FSH which is most likely leading to the difficulty. Each period for the last year and a half has been like someone has pulled my heart right out of my throat. And Mother’s Day, oh that dreaded day. Worst day of the year for me.

Well my sister announced to me on the day before Mother’s Day that she and her husband are pregnant. I am happy for her of course…but my heart just sank when she told me…I cried and everything. It was horrible. I am ashamed, but I can’t stop crying. She is older then me by 2 years…but apparently her eggs are honky dory while mine are old and withered. She’s only been trying for 2 months. I feel like I am going through my own personal hell right now (My coworker and best friend are both recently pregnant).

My question is, how can I get through the baby showers, the jealousy of seeing their bellies grow, the joy in my parent’s faces when they find out they FINALLY get a grandchild…when I just feel like I want to die? Someone help me…


#2

Infertility is a long and sometimes (lots of the time) painful road. I think we have all experienced the jealousy and tears when hearing of how easy others have it. Just remember that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel and you just have to keep your eye on that and keep moving forward. I had to close my Facebook account and avoid certain people when I was at my most vulnerable. I just kept telling myself that we will be parents one day, one way or another, it will happen and once it does, we will put all of the pain behind us. Good luck, and sorry you have to be here!


#3

I’ll be real honest! It’s ridiculously hard! My SIL called to say she was preggo. I was so mad. I could afford a kid and I was the right age. I had a pity party, drank a bottle of wine and cried myself to sleep at 34 and alienated my poor husband for the night! I didn’t know but at the time I had a natural BFP!

Just remember that sometimes friends or family say things and most of the time it comes out awkward. People want to give you guidance and support bc they care about you. I remember one night my brother told me, your only 34, if you can’t have a kid, maybe adopt when your 40. I was like WTF, really, you have 2 healthy kids. My mom had a heck of time getting pregnant and she told me, look he cares, he’s trying to be supportive, he just doesnt know what to say. She told me don’t be mad bc he didn’t have the right choice of words, instead be grateful bc he cares. The next morning my brothers 4 year called and said I love you, hope you feel better and have a good day before he went to school. So sweet…my brother was coaching him in the background. Once I accepted people odd responses and there are tons, it was so much easier and I didn’t feel so isolated!

My opinion, whatever its worth is to change your attitude! You have to say, I’m going to stay the course, rejoice others successes and be sad with failures so you can move on!

Hang in there it’s a hard road but there is light!


#4

[QUOTE=DWAB77]Hello all, I was hoping I could get some advice.

I have been ttc for over two years now and have recently seen a fertility doctor. We have been married for 5 years. I came to find that I have high FSH which is most likely leading to the difficulty. Each period for the last year and a half has been like someone has pulled my heart right out of my throat. And Mother’s Day, oh that dreaded day. Worst day of the year for me.

Well my sister announced to me on the day before Mother’s Day that she and her husband are pregnant. I am happy for her of course…but my heart just sank when she told me…I cried and everything. It was horrible. I am ashamed, but I can’t stop crying. She is older then me by 2 years…but apparently her eggs are honky dory while mine are old and withered. She’s only been trying for 2 months. I feel like I am going through my own personal hell right now (My coworker and best friend are both recently pregnant).

My question is, how can I get through the baby showers, the jealousy of seeing their bellies grow, the joy in my parent’s faces when they find out they FINALLY get a grandchild…when I just feel like I want to die? Someone help me…[/QUOTE]

Oh sweetie, my heart is just aching for you. That IS a personal hell.

Be kind to yourself. If you know there’s a scenario that is going to put you over the edge (ie.your sister telling your parents), by all means DON’T BE THERE. If you need to miss your coworker’s shower, do so. If you are comfortable telling your best friend and sister all you’ve been through, elude to the fact that this has been very hard for you…that will help them be more understanding if you just can’t deal with hearing about their birth plan one more time or don’t want to go to Babies R Us with them to finish their registry. I think it’s hard for fertile people to understand how we feel, but speak from your heart and then do what you need to do. You need to protect yourself, and being in situations where you are pushed to your emotional limits is not healthy for you or your relationship with these people you love.

And this doesn’t mean you are a bad person or aren’t happy with them. It’s normal to be jealous. Back in November, I had two college friends e-mail that they are expecting baby #2. The three of us all had our first children around the same time, and they were like “Francesca, are you pregnant, too? Wouldn’t it be awesome if we all had babies around the same time again?” It was like a dagger in my heart. I cried all day, and then wrote a carefully constructed e-mail about all we’ve been through. I haven’t heard back since. I needed to protect myself.

The only other thing I’ll add is that everyone’s fertility journey is special in its own way. I just spent a loooong and frustrating year of early morning ultrasounds, stark white pregnancy sticks, waiting month after month for cysts to disappear, and watching people get pregnant all around me. As much as it was hard, I tried to enjoy every moment because it’s all part of the journey. When you do finally get your BFP, or your baby comes to you in whatever way it will, the journey will suddenly cease to be this nightmare you are living in and will become fond memory of the time you learned a lot about yourself. Those words may seem hollow now, but I hope someday you will understand. It’s not your time yet, but it will be…and you will enjoy every minute. Hugs to you, sweetie.


#5

This may seem kooky, but I always kept the jealousy at bay by reminding myself that so-and-so wasn’t pregnant with [I]my[/I] baby. I was waiting for my special baby.

My husband also spent a lot of time reminding me that we were waiting for something wonderful to happen, and how awful would it be if we were waiting for a cure for a terminal disease.

Mostly be gentle with yourself. I spent lots of nights going to bed early, Ambien and sitcoms helped, because I was so sad. I found the couple of special friends who could listen to me and not try to give advice. They happened to be the ones who were done having babies so that helped (I wasn’t waiting for their announcements). I went off Facebook–too much anxiety anticipating pregnancy announcements.

But it is so hard and all consuming, so know that your feelings are normal and there’s always a place (right here on these forums), where you can find a sympathetic ear. There are good days and bad. Perseverance pays off in this game.

Take care, dear. Lots of us have been exactly where you are now.


#6

[quote=DWAB77]Hello all, I was hoping I could get some advice.

I have been ttc for over two years now and have recently seen a fertility doctor. We have been married for 5 years. I came to find that I have high FSH which is most likely leading to the difficulty. Each period for the last year and a half has been like someone has pulled my heart right out of my throat. And Mother’s Day, oh that dreaded day. Worst day of the year for me.

Well my sister announced to me on the day before Mother’s Day that she and her husband are pregnant. I am happy for her of course…but my heart just sank when she told me…I cried and everything. It was horrible. I am ashamed, but I can’t stop crying. She is older then me by 2 years…but apparently her eggs are honky dory while mine are old and withered. She’s only been trying for 2 months. I feel like I am going through my own personal hell right now (My coworker and best friend are both recently pregnant).

My question is, how can I get through the baby showers, the jealousy of seeing their bellies grow, the joy in my parent’s faces when they find out they FINALLY get a grandchild…when I just feel like I want to die? Someone help me…[/quote]

Hello,

I am sorry for what you have been through. I agree with the other ladies post and the most important thing is to be good to yourself. Alot of us have been where you are and I will say it has been very hard. I am still hoping everyday for my 1st child and it has been the hardest year of my life. I was extremely jealous and honestly a little angry when my SIL became pregnant with her second child so easily and at the same time my co worker who can barely take care of her 1st kid. I love my niece so very much but it is hard to watch everyone around you attain so easily what you want the most. Both my SIL and co worker ended up miscarrying which brough me back to reality that while it seems easier for everyone else it doesnt always stay that way. My best friend had a baby shower that I co hosted and then 3 other of my good girlfriends had theirs. I finally had to explain how hard all this was for me and just not go. I sent nice gifts and I know it hurt them for me not to be there, but I had to do what was best for me. People do mean well, but like someone else on here said unless you have been through it people really just dont know the right things to say and can be insensitive. I wish you the best of luck. Talking to the ladies on this board really does help.


#7

One thing to remember is that it is OK to have these feelings. Infertility is a horribly painful thing to deal with and please don’t feel bad about having those feelings. My three closest friends all got pregnant while we were trying, one twice, and I had a complete meltdown when I found out about two of them. Does your sister know what you’re going through? One thing I did was send my one friend and email letting her know that I was very happy for her and I didn’t want her to think my reaction had anything to do with my not being happy for her, but that it was a difficult time for me and I might not be able to handle hearing/doing baby stuff. She was very understanding and it gave me an “out” incase there was a party/shower/etc. that I knew mentally I couldn’t handle.

Just be good to yourself, as several others have said. If you don’t think you can handle a baby shower, bow out. Don’t force yourself to go to something that will cause you more pain.


#8

This is always a hard situation… when my brother called me saying he wanted to have lunch with me the next day (which was strange by itself), I asked him if everything was okay. His response, “yeah for us”… something in me just knew he was going to say that my sister-in-law was pregnant. I remember dropping my phone and burst into tears… it was awful. Thankfully my husband works with my brother and I asked him if it was what I thought it was. My DH just looked at me and said “yeah… he wanted to be the one to tell you…” which broke my heart even more. I was happy that I had pre-warning so I was able to contain myself at lunch when they told me the news.
When the baby shower came, mom asked if I wanted to be involved with it… and I was honest and said I would prefer to do as little as possible since every day is a wildcard on my emotions. Thankfully my family understood… and the shower wasn’t that bad. I was just glad no one asked me when I would be having children; so that helped a lot.

This road to infertility is never easy; and always seems like the longest journey. I wish we all knew the end result so we can all relax and just enjoy the ride. Isn’t it funny how EVERYONE seems to be pregnant when you are trying so hard to have a child? I swear everyone around me is pregnant… and the social networks def do not help

Thankfully we are all here for love and support; if it wasn’t for the forum I don’t know where I would be… :grouphug:


#9

Thank you so much. It helps to know that there is a support group of women who know this unbelievable pain. My sister knows what my husband and I have been going through- but she will never REALLY know the pain of infertility. But she can’t stop living her life on my account, I understand that. Its also unfair that she should feel bad about it… Should be the happiest time in her life. This is such a hard, unfair, and awkward situation for all of us…


#10

For me personally

For me personally, it really helped to limit contact (to a certain extent) not like you are going to cut your sister out of your life. And also to do things that pregnant women cannot. So go order some sushi, get your hair colored, take a really rigorous exercise class, drink more than you should just for one night, whatever makes you happy.

And believe that your time will come. It took me 5 IVF attempts, and a miscarriage - but then I had my DG.


#11

For me, like a PP, I was able to get by attending showers, feeling legitimately happy for others while sad for myself, and such for a while b/c while I was so upset about our infertility, I didn’t want someone else’s baby - just our own. But, after our twin miscarriage, I became pretty depressed and just couldn’t attend baby showers and baby birthday parties for a while - it’s totally fine to just send gifts. It’s harder when it is your own family and closest friends of course, and in this case, try not to isolate yourself or hide your feelings. I know that infertility is not easy for everyone to talk about, but once you open up about it, you will find tons of people in your circles who are going through the same thing. I have made such good friends because of IF and adoption who I never would have gotten to know so well otherwise. And when your journey is resolved, then you will be one of the stories that your friends and family tell to help others. Someone told me during our journey that everyone who wants to be a parent finds a way to do so… So, hold on to this and keep working towards your goal until you find your resolution. IF support groups like this and in real life can be a big help too - especially when trying to choose options in moving forward. I wish that I hadn’t spent so much time paralyzed worrying about timing, money, and other self-perpetuated obstacles… Best wishes to you and big hugs!