[QUOTE=DWAB77]Hello all, I was hoping I could get some advice.
I have been ttc for over two years now and have recently seen a fertility doctor. We have been married for 5 years. I came to find that I have high FSH which is most likely leading to the difficulty. Each period for the last year and a half has been like someone has pulled my heart right out of my throat. And Mother’s Day, oh that dreaded day. Worst day of the year for me.
Well my sister announced to me on the day before Mother’s Day that she and her husband are pregnant. I am happy for her of course…but my heart just sank when she told me…I cried and everything. It was horrible. I am ashamed, but I can’t stop crying. She is older then me by 2 years…but apparently her eggs are honky dory while mine are old and withered. She’s only been trying for 2 months. I feel like I am going through my own personal hell right now (My coworker and best friend are both recently pregnant).
My question is, how can I get through the baby showers, the jealousy of seeing their bellies grow, the joy in my parent’s faces when they find out they FINALLY get a grandchild…when I just feel like I want to die? Someone help me…[/QUOTE]
Oh sweetie, my heart is just aching for you. That IS a personal hell.
Be kind to yourself. If you know there’s a scenario that is going to put you over the edge (ie.your sister telling your parents), by all means DON’T BE THERE. If you need to miss your coworker’s shower, do so. If you are comfortable telling your best friend and sister all you’ve been through, elude to the fact that this has been very hard for you…that will help them be more understanding if you just can’t deal with hearing about their birth plan one more time or don’t want to go to Babies R Us with them to finish their registry. I think it’s hard for fertile people to understand how we feel, but speak from your heart and then do what you need to do. You need to protect yourself, and being in situations where you are pushed to your emotional limits is not healthy for you or your relationship with these people you love.
And this doesn’t mean you are a bad person or aren’t happy with them. It’s normal to be jealous. Back in November, I had two college friends e-mail that they are expecting baby #2. The three of us all had our first children around the same time, and they were like “Francesca, are you pregnant, too? Wouldn’t it be awesome if we all had babies around the same time again?” It was like a dagger in my heart. I cried all day, and then wrote a carefully constructed e-mail about all we’ve been through. I haven’t heard back since. I needed to protect myself.
The only other thing I’ll add is that everyone’s fertility journey is special in its own way. I just spent a loooong and frustrating year of early morning ultrasounds, stark white pregnancy sticks, waiting month after month for cysts to disappear, and watching people get pregnant all around me. As much as it was hard, I tried to enjoy every moment because it’s all part of the journey. When you do finally get your BFP, or your baby comes to you in whatever way it will, the journey will suddenly cease to be this nightmare you are living in and will become fond memory of the time you learned a lot about yourself. Those words may seem hollow now, but I hope someday you will understand. It’s not your time yet, but it will be…and you will enjoy every minute. Hugs to you, sweetie.