donating to my daughter and her partner? some advice please


#1

Hello, my name is Walter, I’m 52 y.o.I’m a widower , I’ve came across this forum because I was searching for some advice about my situation. I have a daughter, her and her partner
would like to conceive a baby. They are a lesbian couple so they need to find a donor. No sperm banks here so if you want to have a baby you have to search for a donor.
To make a long story short I’ve decided to offer my semen to them. The recipient will be of course my daughter’s partner. Doing this the baby will “belong” to both of them.
You know I can say that I never have been a good father for my daughter, so now I have a chance for doing something good for her. I know it’s the right thing to do but I would like to know your opinion and I would also like ot hear from someone who has been in the same situation as mine.
When I think about the baby that will born ( if everything will be ok) I don’t see him/her as my baby. I don’t feel like I’m the father. It would be weird considering myself the father! By the way because of my work I am always on the road , I’m a trucker so I will not be very present in their lives.
Please give me some advice. I know it’s the right thing do to, but I’m a little bit confused and ( please don’t laugh at me) embarassed for what I have to do and discuss with my daughter and her partner about the insemination.

thank you in advance

Walter


#2

HI Walter
Since you asked…

I think this is a really really bad idea. Have them go to a sperm bank, there are many lesbian couples which have done that same thing. Besides the genetic confusion this child might have, this is just really off since its your daughter involved. I would not do this.

If you do decide to go forward with this. I highly recc. a counselor.


#3

Walter -

I honestly think it is a little strange to give your daughter and her partner your sperm for IVF. I understand your feelings about not being a good father and having the opportunity to do something good for her. I also understand that since her partner will be carrying the baby, that it will then be a part of your daughter and a part of her partner, I just think there are better ways to do things.

there are several women on here that one has gone through the stimulation process to get her eggs and they inseminated them with donor sperm and the other has carried the child, so although not bilogically connected to the one carryign the child, there is still a bond being formed there. There is still the thought of her body creating this life.

You do not have to have sperm banks in your area in order to have a donor. They can order from a sperm bank and have it delivered to the clinic they are going to use for treatments.

I would honestly think about this a little more. I wouldn’t do it simply because you feel as though you have not been a good father and this is your way of trying to make it right. If anything, I would say…be willing to pay for the semen sample from a donor they choose…if of course that is an option for you financially. I have hear that some places it costs about 700 bucks. You should check out the lesbian couple thread on here and ask for suggestions for sperm banks to provide to your daughter.

Good luck with your decision.


#4

Wow,

I’m a bit surprised at the negative comments, although I do think counseling is an excellent suggestion, especially if you’re concerned you’d think of the child as your own.

It is not uncommon for family members to “donate” to another member who has conception problems. Generally, it’s a brother donating for another brother or a sister donating her eggs. I have a good friend who conceived her child using her sister’s eggs. And the sister does not perceive the child as her own. The people who care for the child – who wake up in the middle of the night, wipe runny noses, and cuddle the children – are the parents. The ones who provide the genetic materials are just helpers along the path to parenthood. I have a child through embryo donation, and I promise you the boy is mine and mine alone.

Just a different perspective.

k.


#5

[FONT=Arial]Walter – I am personally surprised and some of these responses. I think that your intentions are truly noble. While I wouldn’t support your decision to do this with your daughter’s egg for genetic reasons, I don’t think these issues would impact the situation in the way that you described. While this might be a bit more socially taboo, I would put this in the same category as a mother carrying a baby for her daughter is she needs a surrogate or as a daughter or sister who donate eggs to their mother. That being said, each of these instances is challenging and require special consideration. I don’t think that you should do it because you feel like you haven’t been an ideal father, but there are clearly reasons why someone might do this. I do recommend that you contact a counselor who is versed in infertility and donation to help you, your DD and her DP to work through these issues. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]If you do this, I do think that it is important to openly discuss what your role will and won’t be. I think that you’ve started the process by stating that this won’t be viewed as your child. That being said, how would they tell the child? Would you have a special role?[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]On a very different note, I would also caution you about the potential risk of using sperm from old men. While we often talk about the maternal age effect and how advancing maternal age increases the risk of chromosomal abnormalities, advanced paternal age also carries an increased risk for the child or his/her children to have certain types of genetic diseases. Most babies of older fathers are just fine…but again, it does increase the risk. On that note, I think that everyone involved need to try to balance the benefits (genetic link to both parents, knowing the family history, potentially decreased cost) to the potential risks (impact on relationships, impact on child, risk associated with advanced paternal age). Again, I do think that this is a complex situation…and one that is clearly socially taboo, but then so is the fact that we did DE IVF. I think that everyone could benefit with some help to address this issue and to assess what your daughter and her DP want.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial]While I understand that donor sperm is very controvercial in your country and that your DD and her DP are likely to not qualify for it in your home country, it might be possible for them to up north to have the proceedure done. I’m guessing a number of countries in Northern Europe could be of help. I’ve very sorry at how certain couples aren’t recognized by society and how it can impact their ablity to raise a family.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Best of luck! And it sounds like you’ve got your heart in the right place being willing to do anything for your daughter. [/FONT]


#6

I would just like to weigh in one the subject. I agree with the second two posters. It may be unconventional, but I think it is a very kind thing to do.


#7

I’ve heard of brothers doing this. So basically the child is the niece/nephew genetically.

I’ve never heard of fathers doing it. I can see how it freaks people out–there’s just a boundary there that seems odd.

Still, it is really up to the people. I think people make too much of genetic connections but if that need for belonging is there, then maybe it is there.

However, really a baby belongs to you when you take care of it, not because it is related to you.

People who haven’t had babies don’t realize this until later so maybe this couple isn’t feeling that yet.

All things considered, I’d re-think this just because the age of your sperm puts the kid at higher risk for autism, schizophrenia and possibly Down’s.

Just look up the risks before you decide and make sure they know the risk. Age of father matters and they are constantly finding out more about how it matters.

Best of luck to you and them!


#8

I agree that the responses to the question are a bit harsh, but I guess I get it. I think the most important consideration is being neglected…THE BABY. I do not think this is the same as surrogacy of a mother or sibling share. WE as people utilizing donation of any kind must consider the child and how they will feel when their conception is openly shared with them. (OF course, we are told that is the best thing to do) I think the conversation of “We used grandpa’s sperm so you are genetically my brother…” is one that will cause extreme confusion or pain to the child. Yes I know sisters and brothers do this for one another, but that does not equate you as the sibling to your child…too sensitive for me and most, sorry. Do as you seem fit as there are no cookie cutter families…but I highly recommend counseling for all involved. Your offer though is noble, and your heart is in the right place. Consider this carefully…


#9

It’s clear that you mean well. Everybody can see that you are genuinely trying to help your daughter. But the whole idea of you being the biological father (and grandfather) to this child is a little creepy to be honest. Even if you believe that you would not think of the child as your own, the truth is that it will be your biological child, that fact can’t be argued. Imagine the psychological trauma if this child would ever find out the truth. They would need a lot of therapy to help him/her.

There has to be another way. If there are no sperm banks near them, have them go a little further. There is definitely one within a reasonable distance.


#10

Wouldn’t that then make your daughter the mother of the child and also the half sister?


#11

Again, I will state that I don’t see anything problematic about this as the genetic lines are clear. You would be the grandparent, period. Just like I’m my daughter’s mom, period. You would be the child’s sperm donor kind of like how other family members donate sperm or eggs. I think that some people are placing this in the context of incest, and it clearly isn’t. Namely because the child wouldn’t be created with your daughter even though she ultimately would become the mother. The relationships would be the following: biological grandfather and genetic father.

I also think that the child would probably view this in a similar manner as most children created with donor egg or sperm…as not a big deal. That being said, I’m not sure how the community around you would react. Many of the women who do DE IVF have similar concerns.

I will point out that some of these views appear to be strong because of how we’ve come to think about donated sperm in the US. Using donated sperm with a medicated IUI is a relatively simple procedure (and in comparison to donor egg relatively cheap procedure). I’m not sure how many people checked your location in your profile. Seeing that made me reconsider my throughts (please correct me if I’m wrong). Here are my thoughts on it. I am under the impression that in Italy donor sperm [I]is only available if the [U]male parner fails to make any sperm[/U][/I]. I don’t think that it can be used if the male partner has a signficiant genetic disease that he doesn’t want passed on his off-spring (as it would be eugenics). I am also under the impression that it is against the law/rules to do donor gamete for same sex-couples. The prohibition of donor egg and donor sperm helps to ensure that same sex couples aren’t parents through medical intervention. The major religious group in your home country doesn’t support most forms of ART including IUI, IVF, freezing embryos, donor sperm, or donor egg. It also doesn’t approve of same sex relationships. While your home country is very conservative, I’m not sure what the policies are in some of the neighboring countries or if there is a medical travel available.

Two questions… What some of your daughter’s and DP’s friends have done to have children? Is there another friend or family member who could provide the sperm? Again, I think that people are reacting to the issue of father-daughter…even through it would be father-unrelated woman.

I’m sorry for how difficult this experience is. [I]I do wish that we could provide you some support with this issue[/I]. I do think that your daugther and her partner should be given the opportunity to be parents.


#12

Hello. I just want to help you and your daughter. I can donate my sperm to her.