Donor Sibling Registry--STRESS


#21

I guess that I look at these things a bit from the point of view. Under most circumstances, I don’t think that a donor gamete created will think about being shopped for. In most instances, it will just be part of who they are…a fact that winds up in the background with all of the other experiences of childhood and life. When we started the process, I thought about DE and mourned needing it. Once I was pregnant, I thought about much less. After her birth, I was still a bit sad, but it slipped even further back in my mind. I’d also say that I wouldn’t want to go back and have a baby with out DE because my daughter wouldn’t be my Emily. Now, I rarely think about doing DE. It comes up mainly when I come to this website. This website helps to keep reminding me to talk to my daughter so this is just another little part of her.

Again, I’d state that I’m adopted. For me, it has never been a big deal. I have brown hair. I was born in MI. I am adopted. No big deal. Interestingly, it has bothered my boyfriends the most. My present husband asked me wasn’t I worried about marrying a relative and committing incest. I laughed and asked him where his dad was the year before I was born. Then I discussed the odds of that happening in my case or anyone else.

Infertility was a huge deal for my parents. I have gotten fleeting glimpses of this and their pain over the years. I really do give them credit for not making their infertility my or my brother’s issue. I’m going to work hard with my husband to make doing DE our issue not Emily’s problem. It is just a sliver of a fraction of her life.


#22

just wanted to add to something Kristyloo said in her post about thinking about DE less & less…

Our DS is adopted and most days it never even crosses my mind. I was actually talking to someone the other day and happened to say…Well, [B]when I had my son, C***** [/B]he weighed 8lbs 6oz and was 20" long and he had a brief stay in the NICU, blah blah blah… and I got done with the story and she says to me…Wait, wasnt your DS adopted?? :confused:
I kinda looked at her and said…yes, he was. I didnt realize until she told me that I had said I birthed him, instead of saying…When his birthmom had him…etc etc.
Although I will never Forget, so to speak, that he was adopted, the longer he is with us, the more he is completely 100% meant to be with us and in our family.
I actually felt kinda bad for “mis-speaking” about me having him. That is something I could never take away from his birthmom. She had a terrible delivery and hard recovery- all to bring him into this world!!


#23

I like that way of putting it.
Sometimes, just putting a different spin on the words opens up a whole new way of looking at it.
My husband and I have decided we would tell our children their beginnings so they would never have hte chance to feel cheated or lied to or anything bad about coming from DS. Who knows if they would or wouldn’t, I can’t tell the future, but it isn’t worth the risk of the emotional damage that could be caused by not telling them. And keeping in mind that it was OUR problem to need DS and not theirs is another almost positive spin and how and why to tell them. I’m not sure if that makes sense but I’m always happy to come back to threads like these and read other peoples perspectives etc because it helps me A-remember that we will need to tell our kids, because it does fall to the back of your mind and B-get new ideas and thoughts on how/why to tell them.


#24

Trixicat - I like your point of view about it being just like what you decided to eat, schools, etc.

Mom2Josh - I’ve had the occasional thought about what I would say if my children ever ask how we picked out the donor. I think it’s a natural question that could pop up as they get older and really start to process everything. And although I know it’s impossible to be prepared for every question our children could one day ask, as hopeful parents to be, we still try our hardest to go over all the possibilities, silly or not. I said jokingly to DH earlier this week that we’re only allowed to obsess over one DS issue at a time. We’ve been trying to figure out the best way to tell our close family, so that’s the only thing we’re allowed to talk about at the moment. :stuck_out_tongue:

It’s nice to have the perspective from different stages of the journey. It seems the “what ifs” are more prevalent before the pregnancy, lessen quite a bit after, and practically disappear after they’re born. It’s reassuring to hear ladies that have gotten through each stage, but also nice to know I’m not crazy for worrying about everything right now!


#25

Hello everyone! what a wonderful discussion, and what a great support system this website is!

I’d like to offer my opinion here, which I am sure will not be popular, but here goes:

  1. I did not want to see a shrink or read any books or hear anyone’s stories when I was making a very tough decision to go the DE route. I am the kind of person who needs to figure things out for myself, and there is absolutely nothing that any ‘professional’ could tell me - and too many of them are idiots - that I can’t go through on my own. I took my time, I went through all kinds of different emotions and heartbreak on my own and with my husband, etc. I am very happy I did not seek anyone’s help on this.

  2. I have to say, I do not understand the need/want/reason behind telling a child he/she was conceived using DE. For what reason? What’s the purpose? The child grows inside of us, they are parts of our flesh and all kinds of juices ;)))), they are OUR children. I absolutely have no plans to tell anyone ever that we used DE - not because I am ashamed or hiding something, but because if does not matter at all. Why torture yourself and everyone else around you?

Anyhow, that’s just me. You are giving this child a chance at life, you will be the one teaching them things, they will immitate and adore YOU, they are YOURS. Nothing else matters.

Best of luck and health to everyone!


#26

This is such a great support and it is so interesting to hear others opinions.
I think there are 2 reasons we plan to tell our baby she was conceived with DE. One, because we think it is nothing to be ashamed of. It shows how much we wanted her to complete our family.
The more practical reason is that God-forbid there is some medical issue in the future in which her genetics becomes important, we strongly believe it will be better to have been honest from the beginning, rather than having been secretive and having to reveal the DE in a very stressful time.

I do struggle with when is the best time to start that conversation though. I’m interested in others thoughts on that!


#27

I hear you, but I just don’t think the same way. I decided there is no need to tell, and it has nothing to do with being ashamed. I just don’t see why a child should know that much detail about how they were conceived. I will find much more interesting things to tell them and teach them :)))))))

As for possible future medical issues. Yes, thought of that, a scary thought, isn’t it? But at the same time, how often do these things really happen? And what can possibly really happen? We picked a donor who has no family history of any health problems going back to her great grand parents. In case of real life-threatening situation, there can be all kinds of scenarios, they are impossible to predict.

[quote=Wantingnumber2]This is such a great support and it is so interesting to hear others opinions.
I think there are 2 reasons we plan to tell our baby she was conceived with DE. One, because we think it is nothing to be ashamed of. It shows how much we wanted her to complete our family.
The more practical reason is that God-forbid there is some medical issue in the future in which her genetics becomes important, we strongly believe it will be better to have been honest from the beginning, rather than having been secretive and having to reveal the DE in a very stressful time.

I do struggle with when is the best time to start that conversation though. I’m interested in others thoughts on that![/quote]


#28

[quote=brmus21]I hear you, but I just don’t think the same way. I decided there is no need to tell, and it has nothing to do with being ashamed. I just don’t see why a child should know that much detail about how they were conceived. I will find much more interesting things to tell them and teach them :)))))))

As for possible future medical issues. Yes, thought of that, a scary thought, isn’t it? But at the same time, how often do these things really happen? And what can possibly really happen? We picked a donor who has no family history of any health problems going back to her great grand parents. In case of real life-threatening situation, there can be all kinds of scenarios, they are impossible to predict.[/quote]

I hope you also choose a Donor with the same blood type as you or your husband. Or at least one that could be explained by the combination of you two together. I remember after having our first blood drive in High school and finding out my blood type, I came home and asked my parents what their’s was…just out of shear curiousity. Since my husband is in the military, his blood type is plastered ALL over everything including his dog tags he wears all the time, so [B]IF [/B]we were in the “no tell camp”, we wouldve had to be very careful about this aspect.


#29

yes, that worked out just fine. There is an interesting chart I found online earlier - it lists parents’ blood types and possible children blood types - it’s a great little chart, I didn’t know about some of the possibilities.


#30

It might take more than matching blood types to hide this. Even back when I was in junior high, we created pedigrees with things like ear lobe shape (attached versus unattached), tongue roller/nonroller, and taster versus non-taster for a chemical. I knew that I was adopted so it all worked out when my genetics didn’t match my family’s genetics. If I didn’t know, my parents would have some difficult issues to address. I’m guessing that I would have thought that my mom was unfaithful to my dad which would have forced their hand. In any case, it clearly would have come out. If a basic class in junior high could have outed my parents, I can’t imagine that some of the projected changes in genetics and medicine wouldn’t do the same.

While I do think that the child has a right to know, I also don’t think that you’ll be able to hide it in this day and age. I do think that finding out in a “crisis” situation could lead to an erosion of trust. Junior high is hard enough. It wouldn’t be good to have to deal with this at the same time. It would make using DE a much bigger deal than it was.


#31

[quote=kirstyloo]It might take more than matching blood types to hide this. Even back when I was in junior high, we created pedigrees with things like ear lobe shape (attached versus unattached), tongue roller/nonroller, and taster versus non-taster for a chemical. I knew that I was adopted so it all worked out when my genetics didn’t match my family’s genetics. If I didn’t know, my parents would have some difficult issues to address. I’m guessing that I would have thought that my mom was unfaithful to my dad which would have forced their hand. In any case, it clearly would have come out. If a basic class in junior high could have outed my parents, I can’t imagine that some of the projected changes in genetics and medicine wouldn’t do the same.

While I do think that the child has a right to know, I also don’t think that you’ll be able to hide it in this day and age. I do think that finding out in a “crisis” situation could lead to an erosion of trust. Junior high is hard enough. It wouldn’t be good to have to deal with this at the same time. It would make using DE a much bigger deal than it was.[/quote]

I am sorry, but if these high school experiments meant anything at all, the DOE would be constantly sued and never get out of court! :))))))))))))))) You know how many people out there don’t know who their babies’ fathers really are? This is not NCIS.

Now, being adopted is a whole different issue. I don’t think we should be comparing the two.


#32

brmus21 - We will not be telling either. We feel its the best for our family and that is that. I think the people that plan on not telling just don’t talk about it as much.


#33

brmus21 - just read your sig. congratulations on your BFP!!!


#34

I am with lucyddr

There are so many families who have such positive things to say about donors. That site is a minority and not what I found to be the reality of many who are the results of donors.

We are moving on with DE and kam grateful that this is possible.


#35

[QUOTE=kirstyloo]It might take more than matching blood types to hide this. Even back when I was in junior high, we created pedigrees with things like ear lobe shape (attached versus unattached), tongue roller/nonroller, and taster versus non-taster for a chemical. I knew that I was adopted so it all worked out when my genetics didn’t match my family’s genetics. If I didn’t know, my parents would have some difficult issues to address. I’m guessing that I would have thought that my mom was unfaithful to my dad which would have forced their hand. In any case, it clearly would have come out. If a basic class in junior high could have outed my parents, I can’t imagine that some of the projected changes in genetics and medicine wouldn’t do the same.

While I do think that the child has a right to know, I also don’t think that you’ll be able to hide it in this day and age. I do think that finding out in a “crisis” situation could lead to an erosion of trust. Junior high is hard enough. It wouldn’t be good to have to deal with this at the same time. It would make using DE a much bigger deal than it was.[/QUOTE]

I agree. The chances of them finding out in today’s and tomorrow’s world are just too great. You can already send in a swab of your DNA to trace your ancestry. Who knows what the future holds with this kind of technology, but it’s certainly advancing. We couldn’t imagine trying to stay on top of all the ways they could find out and forever trying to protect the secret. Living with that kind of lie seems dangerous and unhealthy. We also didn’t want to take the chance of them accidentally finding out at some point and feeling betrayed. We didn’t come to the decision easily though. Initially, we felt it would be easier to not tell and avoid our children’s reactions and possible scrutiny from family, but ultimately we realized we were being selfish and they had the right to know. I still have moments where I think how much easier it would be to never tell, but I know for us we have to be honest.


#36

Mywish - We don’t plan to tell many people either, just a few family members and my closest friend. We’re actually still working on how we’ll tell DH’s parents and not really looking forward to the conversation. As far as our children, we know we want them to be raised aware of the fact to try and avoid a distinct traumatic memory of finding out. But honestly, we haven’t gotten that far into researching or talking about how we’ll specifically handle it. I think a lot of it will depend on the personality of our child. Plus, if I start to think about too much, I get too stressed out with all the other factors like telling family, the IVF cycle itself, etc. So I try to focus on whatever we’re currently dealing with…which is so much easier said that done!

Funny side story, DH and I were watching the movie This is 40 and there was a scene where a toddler was awkwardly going around telling everyone they were from a donor. DH immediately looked at me and we couldn’t do anything but laugh. He said, “SEE, note to us…avoid this scenario!” It felt good to be a little light hearted about the whole thing for a change. :slight_smile:


#37

Leesha,

whatever you and your DH decided to do will be the right decision for your family.

I just wanted to say that by telling even one person before you make that decision will take an option of not telling away from you. Once 1 person knows, there is now guarantee that others won’t find out.

Best of luck with everything!

[quote=Leesha]Mywish - We don’t plan to tell many people either, just a few family members and my closest friend. We’re actually still working on how we’ll tell DH’s parents and not really looking forward to the conversation. As far as our children, we know we want them to be raised aware of the fact to try and avoid a distinct traumatic memory of finding out. But honestly, we haven’t gotten that far into researching or talking about how we’ll specifically handle it. I think a lot of it will depend on the personality of our child. Plus, if I start to think about too much, I get too stressed out with all the other factors like telling family, the IVF cycle itself, etc. So I try to focus on whatever we’re currently dealing with…which is so much easier said that done!

Funny side story, DH and I were watching the movie This is 40 and there was a scene where a toddler was awkwardly going around telling everyone they were from a donor. DH immediately looked at me and we couldn’t do anything but laugh. He said, “SEE, note to us…avoid this scenario!” It felt good to be a little light hearted about the whole thing for a change. :)[/quote]


#38

Leesha - just wanted to say I don’t see it as a LIE and unhealthy… Don’t feel we need to blab to world our family matters. What works for some doesn’t work for others.


#39

[QUOTE=Jz5000]Leesha - just wanted to say I don’t see it as a LIE and unhealthy… Don’t feel we need to blab to world our family matters. What works for some doesn’t work for others.[/QUOTE]

I’m sorry if I offended you, that was not my intention and I should have been more careful with my wording. I honestly don’t think one decision is better than another but, rather like you said, what works for us.


#40

Leesha - Thank you. I am sensitive about it. I think because I’m a little bit alone with this choice and so maybe I get too sensitive… I just don’t see how for me, I can do this any other way. Who knows, maybe I will have a change of heart later. I will follow my heart.