Donor Sperm Questions and Support


#1

My husband has a chromosomal issue and we have now done 5 unsuccessful cycles of IVF. We are moving toward next steps and he is very much against the idea of using donor sperm, even though we would likely be successful as I am (as far as we know) okay in terms of fertility. I have been looking for supports and resources online to help him at least research the topic but there isn’t much out there.

He is worried that he will not be connected to the child, that he won’t be able to be engaged in the pregnancy process because he will be thinking about the “other guy” and that years down the road comments from strangers about how our child does or does not look like him will greatly upset him. I think these are valid concerns but everything I have heard is that once you have the child and are the parent, it doesn’t matter so much where the genes came from.

Are there men out there who have considered using donor sperm? How have you worked through your concerns and if so how have things been once you have entered into the process?

I would appreciate any thoughts and advice that you may have!


#2

[quote=Lari11]My husband has a chromosomal issue and we have now done 5 unsuccessful cycles of IVF. We are moving toward next steps and he is very much against the idea of using donor sperm, even though we would likely be successful as I am (as far as we know) okay in terms of fertility. I have been looking for supports and resources online to help him at least research the topic but there isn’t much out there.

He is worried that he will not be connected to the child, that he won’t be able to be engaged in the pregnancy process because he will be thinking about the “other guy” and that years down the road comments from strangers about how our child does or does not look like him will greatly upset him. I think these are valid concerns but everything I have heard is that once you have the child and are the parent, it doesn’t matter so much where the genes came from.

Are there men out there who have considered using donor sperm? How have you worked through your concerns and if so how have things been once you have entered into the process?

I would appreciate any thoughts and advice that you may have![/quote]

Hello there! I must say my DH and I are now 31 weeks :preg: by using donor sperm. My hubby had two vasectomy reversals and we were not willing to have him go thru more surgery due to many complications following each surgery. My DH and I decided without any problems that we were using donor sperm. It was a decision that was either made or our hopes of a child was not going to happen.

We did research on the various traits including medical histories of the donors. It was important to us that the donor have the same family medical history as ours. We picked a donor with our similar blood type along with visual attributes. You can get pictures of the donors as well for a minimal cost. There is a description online as to strengths and weaknesses, education, aspirations, like and dislikes. You will be able to find someone similar to your DH you just need to keep looking thru the donor profiles. We used California Cryobank at which we used for our IUI cycles and did not get pregnant. It was highly recommended that we use Zygen Cryobank due to the quality and quantity of their samples. This sample was used for our IVF cycle and it worked like a charm!

My DH and I really do not think of the donor at which we chose for this baby. This baby is ours and that is always how we think of it! The donor sperm idea was easier to accept because we knew that we needed to go that route and it was our last and only option!

Good Luck and lots of :babydust: :babydust: to you. :flower:


#3

Thanks for your reply. At this point donor sperm or adoption are likely our only options. I am completely fine with the idea of donor sperm but I don’t know if my husband can get around the thoughts of it being someone else’s baby, as logical or illogical as that is.

Does your husband feel connected to the pregnancy? How involved was he with the selection of the donor? Has he had any doubts about being able to connect with your child?


#4

[quote=Lari11]Thanks for your reply. At this point donor sperm or adoption are likely our only options. I am completely fine with the idea of donor sperm but I don’t know if my husband can get around the thoughts of it being someone else’s baby, as logical or illogical as that is.

Does your husband feel connected to the pregnancy? How involved was he with the selection of the donor? Has he had any doubts about being able to connect with your child?[/quote]

Nice to hear from you! My DH actually picked the donor himself! My DH was always at my doctor appointments even if it was only for a blood draw! He was active just as much as I was active in our journey. Trying to get pregnant we knew that the only options we had were to have a child or not to have a child. My DH has never given it a second thought… As I am writing this to you he is dictating to me. He said this child is his baby. To be honest, we have felt that this entire donor sperm process along with our treatments have brought us closer together as a couple. Our family does not treat this pregnancy any different because in all of our hearts this child is my husband’s!!! I think a couple needs to mentally prepare and understand what your full options are.
Just remember to believe and most importantly work together! This baby will come with all your dedication understanding and love as a couple.


#5

We have been TTC since 2/2009. After a year without success we went to a infertility specialist. We found out I had fibroids, a small right ovary, and sickle cell trait. My husband had ZERO sperm on the SAs due to congenital issues, but did have some sperm in his testicle as seen with biopsy. We also found he had CF trait, and sickle cell trait. The urologist said my husband was not a good candidate for surgical correction because he was missing both vas deferentia and 1 seminal vesicle. So we decided on 2 choices 1. IVF (TESE with preimplation genetic testing to weed out the sickle cell diseased embryos) or 2. IUI with DS. Our insurance only covers 6 IUIs with meds. Because of our genetic issues and not being able to afford IVF right now we decided to try IUIs with DS while we pay off our debt. Coming to that decision was not easy though. It took my husband a whole year of soul searching to decide that. He went from devistated, to denile, to depressed, to angry, to jealous, to bitter, back to depressed, to curious, to hopeful and excited. In the end, the desire for him to be a father is stronger than any fears he had/has, but that came with time. My husband picked 5 donors based on all of the written attributes. It was up to me to pick the one who looked the most like him. He said he didn’t want to see the donor’s face because he wanted to keep it anonymous visually. I think he is afraid he will bump into to donor at the supermarket or something… crazy. After getting over these humps, we are now both really excited about TTC, especially after my fibroid surgeries. We have 2 more tries left. If we are unsuccessful with IUI we will try IVF with genetic testing after are finances are in order.

The moral of the story is give him time… he may just come around. Sometime people have to go through all the stages of grief before considering DS.