I have to agree with stm…my DH and I have not used donor sperm but we are considering it if my DH’s mtese is unsucessful. (we are doing mtese timed with IVF in September/October of this year).
Dh and I have been seeing a fertility therapist for some time now as this whole journey has been really difficult (I know I don’t have to tell you that). I can’t stress the importance of getting guidance from someone who specializes in fertility issues. Our therapist is a mother through donor egg and adoption so she knows all about all the issues we/you face.
Of course everyone comes to these decisions in their own way and because this is such a difficult road, it is hard to judge anyone for any decisions they make, but I have to agree with stm…studies show that being open with the donor conceived child is the healthiest course of action. There has been a trend over the years towards openess witih adoption and with donor gametes. Studies show (and my therapist confired this was the case with her kids) that if you start telling the child when they are little it becomes a tiny part of their background, they grow up knowing the information and it loses its stigma. Also, they take their cues from you, if you are closed off and feel negative or ashamed then they pick up on that and feel that way too. If you are open and honest about it then they will be comfortable with it.
The difference between privacy and secrecy is key and can’t be over emphasized. The fact that a child is donor conceived is private, meaning that not everyone needs to know. But it shouldn’t be a “secret” because that connotes a negative like this is bad and something to feel ashamed of.
If we end up using donor we plan on telling our family and the child. And maybe a couple close friends. Other than that it is no one’s business (except for the child’s doctors, etc.) and I really believe that the information ultimately belongs to the child. But I think we would want to talk about it with the child so that they know and feel comfortable asking questions both when they are little and as an adult. This is a person you are creating and that person has a right to the truth. There is no way keeping something like that a secret cannot affect how you feel about yourself, the child, your marriage, etc…
I would urge you to talk to a professional before jumping into donor sperm. It has lifelong implications and you want to make sure you are comfortable with it before taking that step.
[quote=stm2009]my husband if our childrens ONLY father. He is their ONLY dad. He is the one who will teach them things, raise them, disipline them, help them through their first heart break and when they have families of their own he will be their grandpa. We have three beautiful babies concieved through DS who have one man in their lives who is their Dad.
And I will be the 1st to correct anyone who even innocently calls their donor “the dad” or “the father”.
If you have any thoughts otherwise it will become a problem for you if you do not tell your kid and they some day find out.
Using donor sperm does not make you less of their dad/father/papa whatever you want to call it. DS is a small genetic piece necessary to make a person and it does not control who the baby’s father is. The donor is just a donor and nothing else. If you think of it as the baby’s father/dad then you will cause problems for yourself and worse for the baby.
Sorry if that sounds harsh or cold or whatever but I’m telling you it is the truth. Do some research and read some articles of people who did AND didn’t know they were concieved though donor eggs or sperm and you will hopefully see what needs to be done. Every article/opinion/blog I read about kids who always knew their genetic roots were fine with it, they didn’t let it define them and they knew who their parents were. Every single article that was from an older child who found out late in life (and talking as early as preteen not just adults) that they were concieved through DS/DE were in one way or another emotionally messed up. Think about it, your whole like will seem like a lie, one big huge lie. Is that something you want to chance doing to your kid? And if you think, especially in this day and age, that you are going to keep something as big as this from them then you are staight delusional. I’m sorry but some day they [B]will[/B] have genentics in high school biology and they will think hmmmm where do my attached ear lobes or rolling my tounge or blue eyes or freckles or thin hair or whatever come from and if you haven’t told them by then you are asking for an emotional break down of the one person you are supposed to protect for a lifetime, your baby.
Anyone who is struggling with this decision or even if you think you’ve made up your mind PLEASE seek professional help. This isn’t your life you are playing with, it is the life of a yet to be born person who has to live with your decisions for the rest of their lives.[/quote]