doubts about doing ivf, feel pressured, relationship struggling


#1

Are any of the women out there feeling pressured? It seems like it is mostly women who really push for doing ivf. In my case I have doubts. I wanted to seriously consider adopting when my husband told me about his low count \ mobility. He responded to drugs enough for us to for to pursue ivf\icsi. I have to do the egg retrieval this week and I keep freaking out about it.

I have always had reservations about being pregnant / having babies that I thought I would grow out of as I got older. Instead over the last two years or so of trying (he was taking injections for well over a year and we knew we were likely to have to do ivf) I been getting more worked up about pregnancy and everything negative I see on parenting forums. My husband keeps telling me I am selfish when I express doubts. I feel pressured from the beginning but just after I started the ivf injections he has laid off.

I am almost ready to back out of ivf but my husband won’t consider adoption so that means no family. While skipping pregnancy would be a huge relief for me I am not sure I can face never having a family. I don’t think I have ever been able to think this through without feeling under pressure. My husband is fed up and I resent him right now. He won’t talk to me. Any ideas on how to sort out my feelings / what to do?


#2

I’m sorry you and your DH are going through this. You guys should see a therapist before you begin your IVF cycle. You both need to agree on what path of parenthood you want to take before you even begin because whatever it is : adoption, IVF, etc it will be a difficult journey. Get both of your minds clear and calm before you begin your journey. Good luck.


#3

[QUOTE=jojo34]Are any of the women out there feeling pressured? It seems like it is mostly women who really push for doing ivf. In my case I have doubts. I wanted to seriously consider adopting when my husband told me about his low count mobility. He responded to drugs enough for us to for to pursue ivficsi. I have to do the egg retrieval this week and I keep freaking out about it.

I have always had reservations about being pregnant / having babies that I thought I would grow out of as I got older. Instead over the last two years or so of trying (he was taking injections for well over a year and we knew we were likely to have to do ivf) I been getting more worked up about pregnancy and everything negative I see on parenting forums. My husband keeps telling me I am selfish when I express doubts. I feel pressured from the beginning but just after I started the ivf injections he has laid off.

I am almost ready to back out of ivf but my husband won’t consider adoption so that means no family. While skipping pregnancy would be a huge relief for me I am not sure I can face never having a family. I don’t think I have ever been able to think this through without feeling under pressure. My husband is fed up and I resent him right now. He won’t talk to me. Any ideas on how to sort out my feelings / what to do?[/QUOTE]

I’m so sorry you are struggling right now. You say your ER is later this week-because you’ve already gone through all the expense and investment of stims, I would encourage you to go through your ER and fertilization. The ER is a very minor surgery. I was feeling totally fine the day after. If you’re not absolutely sure about being pregnant right now, you could have all the embryos frozen for a transfer at a later time. I agree that it’s definitely worth speaking with a marriage counselor. Good luck with your decision dear!


#4

Well I agree with the last two ladies. Therapy is much needed. It’s a difficult process and will test any relationship. However if you were unsure maybe it would have been better to not start the treatments. Imagine if it was the other way around and you did injections etc, then at the end he says I’m not ready, how would you feel? (just trying to give diff perspective) Well it sounds like your retrieval is close is it a possibility to do IVF/ICSI and freeeze them till this is all sorted out so that all the time money and meds will not have been for nothing. You both have to be on the same page if not you will resent him and it will not be good for kids. I pray that the two of you can get thru this and work it out. Best wishes


#5

I agree with the other ladies too. I would definitely encourage you to go through with the ER and fertilization since you have come this far and then go from there. Freezing may be an option and possibly even using a surrogate to carry your own baby if being pregnant is really that scary to you. I am not sure where your apprehensions/fears of pregnancy are coming from, but it certainly sounds like you need to talk to a professional and sort those feelings out.

Having said that, there are many many ladies who don’t ever want to have kids or be pregnant and yet once they get pregnant they are forced to deal with being pregnant and do just fine even realizing later that it was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to them so…it may very well be that if you face your fears you will find that there was little to actually be afraid of and find it to be a very rewarding experience. I do, however, feel it would be best to try to sort through those feelings first though if that is an option as dealing with them after the fact may work, but also just be more difficult on you and the relationship. It all depends on why you are feeling the way you are.

Also, I recommend that you don’t indulge in reading forums/stories that cater to your fears/concerns. If you look for experiences that are less than pleasant you will find them and that cannot be healthy for you as they may not be the average of what people really feel or experience and thus can give you a skewed perspective of reality. I would avoid anything that isn’t edifying to your relationship and ultimate goals.

I wish you and your DH the very best! Hope it all works out!! :flower:


#6

i agree with the previous posters…therapy is much needed to help you sort through this. Fertitlity treatments will test any realtionship, and if you have fears of pregnancy - for whatever reason, talking to a therpist will def. help you sort those feelings out with what is rational and irrational thoughts. I’d think if you have come this far, i’d go through with the ER, talk with your RE and DH about freezing them until you are in a place that you are comfortable with - weither it’s going to therapy for awhile and then coming back and doing an FET or having a surragote carry them…etc. It’s a lot of stress to carry when you have them put back in…either way, cousneling will help deal if it doesn’t work or if it does… good luck! pregnancy and motherhood isn’t for everyone, but if you are doubting it - now is the time to discuss/deal with it before going through with a transfer… on the other hand, is it your fears putting doubt in your mind?


#7

Thanks so much for everyones’ comments. I think we do need to some therapy or something to work on our communication. I think we have lost a bit of perspective with all the stress. The suggestion about freezing is a good one - it could take some of the pressure off. I think much of my problem is overthinking and listening to every negative thing I hear and I will remind myself that what I read/hear is not the ‘average of what people really feel’!


#8

I would suggest that, more effective than a marriage counselor, would be a counselor or therapist who specializes in infertility. Someone like that would be used to dealing with couples, but I think something that you really need to address is how you feel about pregnancy. If you’re considering having a baby, you’ll have to figure out why you’re reluctant to go through pregnancy and decide if it’s something you want to face or if you want to reject it entirely. I think you and your husband can certainly talk about communication but you won’t be able to communicate the most important thing until you decide how you actually feel about it. You may want to go by yourself at first or you may want to go together. In the past, when I have needed to talk to a therapist, I’ve used the Psychology Today website, because you can search your area and look at each therapist’s specialties. I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders when I started talking to an infertility therapist. Also, your RE’s office might have a therapist on staff or one that they can recommend. As you know, many people who aren’t in our shoes are not really able to understand what it’s like to be here, and you may or may not get the support you need from someone who doesn’t deal with this area. You may not be as unusual as you think, though. I don’t know what your uncertainty stems from, but I can tell you that, as much as I wanted a baby when I started IF treatments, I had always been very uncomfortable with the idea of pregnancy and I worried that, if I became pregnant, I would feel to “exposed” with no way to hide it. There was a lot about pregnancy that made me emotionally kind of anxious. We dealt with IF long enough that, by the time I did get pregnant, I was too preoccupied with thoughts of a baby to be anxious anymore, and when I was pregnant, I didn’t feel any of the things I had worried about. Now that we’re thinking about a second baby, I do have a little of that feeling back, but not nearly as much as I did before, and mostly, I’m very excited to get pregnant again.

It’s also worth talking with your husband (and the therapist) about why he’s so reluctant to consider adoption. Ultimately, if you decide you are not willing to be pregnant, you should not be pressured into it, and if you both want a family, adoption may be the right choice. He may not come around to that option, but he might. There are many people on here who can talk about going into IF thinking there’s no way they would consider adoption or donor eggs/sperm who now can’t imagine not having used those options. When there is parental love to give, that tends to override any objections people might have had initially.

Now here I’m going to say a big thing, and I’m not assuming anything or accusing anyone of anything. Only you can know if anything I say here rings a bell. Do you have a feeling that your being pregnant is more important to him than your desires? And do you two share an emotionally equal relationship, or do you feel pressured or overpowered by him in other areas? Like I said, I’m not saying anything about your relationship. Adoption can be an incredibly difficult choice to come to terms with, and men and women both grow up thinking about their baby, who they assume will be genetically linked to them, and it can be very hard to say farewell to that image in order to embrace a different one. However, and this is for anybody who reads this who may feel like they’re in this position, doctors are starting to recognize pregnancy as a much more common avenue for partner abuse and controlling behavior than they used to (in other words, in more fertile couples, they see women talking about being forced to become pregnant or being physically abused after a miscarriage, that sort of thing). But please ignore what I’m saying if it doesn’t help. Saying the word “abuse” is a major hot button, but I think it’s a case of better safe than sorry to simply ask the question. If this weren’t the Internet, and we all knew each other better, I wouldn’t even mention it.


#9

I think the pressure is from my husband wanting a baby badly and not being able to face possibly giving up that dream. I think he feels adoption isn’t the same and there is a cultural background issue and perhaps the feeling as a male he ‘should be able’ to have a baby. He did start taking injections though without consulting me, which I think he did because he was afraid I would be upset if I found out he was infertile…oh the irony.
I think our history of bad communication & resulting resentment is making it tough to figure out what I want right now. Therapy sounds like a good idea though I went to someone and felt a but like they were trying to convince me.


#10

I’ve had a number of different therapists, and you definitely have to find the right one to suit you. I’ve had one, for instance, who got weirdly attached to me and started trying to get me to make the decisions she wanted me to make, and one who managed to forget everything about me every week! But I’ve also had some very good ones. It’s hard to keep up the energy to move on to a new one if the current one doesn’t seem like a good fit, but it’s definitely going to get you better care.

If you get discouraged with the therapist route, there are also some good books out there. I know it’s easy to make fun of self-help books, but I’ve had some that were really very helpful. You guys could start there, which you can also do in your own home at your own pace. For instance, Dr. Phil has one called “Relationship Rescue,” if you’re a Dr. Phil fan, and my parents really enjoyed books (and a PBS series) by John Bradshaw called “Bradshaw on: the Family.” There are a whole bunch of resources out there, and I really hope you guys find one that helps you!