I would suggest that, more effective than a marriage counselor, would be a counselor or therapist who specializes in infertility. Someone like that would be used to dealing with couples, but I think something that you really need to address is how you feel about pregnancy. If you’re considering having a baby, you’ll have to figure out why you’re reluctant to go through pregnancy and decide if it’s something you want to face or if you want to reject it entirely. I think you and your husband can certainly talk about communication but you won’t be able to communicate the most important thing until you decide how you actually feel about it. You may want to go by yourself at first or you may want to go together. In the past, when I have needed to talk to a therapist, I’ve used the Psychology Today website, because you can search your area and look at each therapist’s specialties. I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders when I started talking to an infertility therapist. Also, your RE’s office might have a therapist on staff or one that they can recommend. As you know, many people who aren’t in our shoes are not really able to understand what it’s like to be here, and you may or may not get the support you need from someone who doesn’t deal with this area. You may not be as unusual as you think, though. I don’t know what your uncertainty stems from, but I can tell you that, as much as I wanted a baby when I started IF treatments, I had always been very uncomfortable with the idea of pregnancy and I worried that, if I became pregnant, I would feel to “exposed” with no way to hide it. There was a lot about pregnancy that made me emotionally kind of anxious. We dealt with IF long enough that, by the time I did get pregnant, I was too preoccupied with thoughts of a baby to be anxious anymore, and when I was pregnant, I didn’t feel any of the things I had worried about. Now that we’re thinking about a second baby, I do have a little of that feeling back, but not nearly as much as I did before, and mostly, I’m very excited to get pregnant again.
It’s also worth talking with your husband (and the therapist) about why he’s so reluctant to consider adoption. Ultimately, if you decide you are not willing to be pregnant, you should not be pressured into it, and if you both want a family, adoption may be the right choice. He may not come around to that option, but he might. There are many people on here who can talk about going into IF thinking there’s no way they would consider adoption or donor eggs/sperm who now can’t imagine not having used those options. When there is parental love to give, that tends to override any objections people might have had initially.
Now here I’m going to say a big thing, and I’m not assuming anything or accusing anyone of anything. Only you can know if anything I say here rings a bell. Do you have a feeling that your being pregnant is more important to him than your desires? And do you two share an emotionally equal relationship, or do you feel pressured or overpowered by him in other areas? Like I said, I’m not saying anything about your relationship. Adoption can be an incredibly difficult choice to come to terms with, and men and women both grow up thinking about their baby, who they assume will be genetically linked to them, and it can be very hard to say farewell to that image in order to embrace a different one. However, and this is for anybody who reads this who may feel like they’re in this position, doctors are starting to recognize pregnancy as a much more common avenue for partner abuse and controlling behavior than they used to (in other words, in more fertile couples, they see women talking about being forced to become pregnant or being physically abused after a miscarriage, that sort of thing). But please ignore what I’m saying if it doesn’t help. Saying the word “abuse” is a major hot button, but I think it’s a case of better safe than sorry to simply ask the question. If this weren’t the Internet, and we all knew each other better, I wouldn’t even mention it.