We failed our first IVF/TESE this past December and I’ve been experiencing some things that I never have before. Directly after I was completely devastated, still am, but I find myself now feeling numb and lost. My heart tells me to keep hope alive and don’t give up but my brain tells me I’m tired and don’t feel like trying anymore. Sometimes I find myself thinking that I don’t really want children. Really??!! I’ve also been unbelievably forgetful, clumsy, and sensitive. Has anyone experiences these type of things after IVF?
I didn’t feel this way after our first failed IVF, as I knew that sometimes things don’t work the first time. But, at our WTF appointment, our doctor dropped the bomb on us that we should move on to donor eggs. I was shocked, devastated, and frankly in denial. I took August off and then decided to try one more round with my own eggs…ONLY to see the eggs once more under a microscope to “prove” that they were terrible. Long story short, things went so poorly that we never even made it to retrieval.
I was terribly depressed…not because the cycle failed, but because it didn’t give me the closure I needed. Through all of this, I’ve felt depressed, sad, extreme grief, guilt, loss, and fear. I’ve been super-sensitive about everything, especially other’s pregnancies. While never clumsy, I’ve certainly felt numb and lost. I even considered giving up as well, but my desire for a child is just too great.
Take some time to grieve and get your thoughts together. Talk to your husband about your real feelings and consider a therapist if you think it would help. (I never did because I just didn’t feel that someone fertile could understand my feelings.) Don’t rush into anything! The 6 months I’ve had to “think” about donor eggs has made a HUGE difference for me. I’m now relaxed and really hopeful…but it has taken a LONG time to get there!
Your feelings are appropriate, just give them time. Best wishes on your future!
I know how you feel. I just had my 2nd IVF cycle cancelled as I ovulated while on Ganirelix. At first, I immediately said we are done all together, but in my heart, I don’t want our journey to end this way.
Lucy gives some good advice. I’m not going to rush into anything, but I’m no longer going to put my life on hold. We’re planning some vacations for this year and are just going to try to start “living” again for a while.
I’ve had the same emotions as you have and I think that they are normal. Good luck to you!
[quote=Hopefully37]I’m no longer going to put my life on hold. We’re planning some vacations for this year and are just going to try to start “living” again for a while.
I couldn’t agree with you more! We have said that if this cycle fails and we don’t have any frosties, we are moving on with life for awhile too. We also took some nice trips before starting IVF (which delayed us for several months, but was VERY worth it).
Our plan is that if we are not pregnant by next Christmas, then we are taking a huge vacation (to the South Pacific) in 2013. It helps me to have a goal! I’m hoping I’m day-dreaming about our trip while changing diapers though…
There’s nothing wrong with taking a break for a little while to give yourself time to grieve and to have some space from infertility stress. We’ve been forced to take a break due to DH issues an:cross: d it’s been a little easier for us…although I do envy those who are able to do IUIs and IVF and to have the 2ww…but I know we’ll get there hopefully in a couple of months. Hang in there. for you and for good things coming your way.
i’m so sorrythat your first IVF round didn’t go well. Although I’m not in your specific situation, I went through MANY of the same emotions that you are experiencing. I’m not sure if it is the same for you, but for me, it was about closure. And having a plan. I cannot function in the unknown - which is what infertility is ALL about! Also, I totally needed to grieve - something that many fertiles don’t really understand. But it’s necessary.
I am very lucky that so far, my first IVF round worked. But, if you check my sig, you will see that I actually DIDN’T think it worked because I was clotting heavily through my first month. I was devestated. The night I started bleeding, my husband and I took a long walk. I mostly cried. But we started working on a plan of next steps. (For us, that meant attending my WTF apt, taking a nice vacation together, and putting pen to paper on our adoption plans. But you will likely have a totally different plan.)
Planning for actions that I could take really helped me. (and still does.)
Please give yourself time to express all the emotions that you are feeling, including the ones that seem irrational to you! Give yourself some grace. (best advice I’ve received in this process) You’ve been through so much physcially and emotionally. I pray that you get all the comfort you deserve and that your path with make itself clear to you very soon. :grouphug: