Exhausted frustrated angry and sad! Need to vent


#1

New to post here, but have been lurking around the forums for the past few months.

We have been TTC for 7 months and have been on Clomid for the past 3 cycles. Every cycle I think - this is it, this is my month, and every cycle :af: makes a visit. It has been frustrating, but I have been trying to stay strong and positive. It is very hard to, especially since everyone around me is pregnant or showing off their bundles of joy. We also live in a city where fertility rates are very high - literally every third woman on the street is pregnant or carrying a newborn or toddler and every fifth store in the shopping area is a baby store. It breaks my heart every time I walk past a pregnant woman or see a cute outfit in the store window - it is a reminder of something I really want but can’t have.

I have stopped speaking to family and friends who are expecting. I am happy for them, but it is just so hard to keep a straight face and smiling when they talk about their impending baby. This makes me feel like a terrible person, but I have decided that I need to take care of myself and my mental health than what others think of me.

I cry all the time and everything just seems very pointless.
This whole experience has also made me feel like I am a failure as a woman. Usually I am a rational person, but I haven’t been able to speak to anyone about this because I feel a sense of shame - like I am less of a woman because my ovaries have decided to stop producing eggs.

I have a wonderful partner and he has been great throughout but sometimes I feel that he doesn’t get it. He is generally a positive person and so he gets very frustrated when I am down and sad.

I know it will not get any easier, and I know I have to be strong and deal with it, but days like this (I just had a visit from :af: ) I want to give it all up - quit work, go home and just curl up in bed and never get out ever again.

Me:32
DH: 34
TTC: 7 months
Normal periods, until 4 months ago. Turns out I don’t ovulate naturally.
On Clomid
2/4/ 13 - Clomid Cycle #3
2/12/ 13 - US - one follicle
2/26/13 - :af: :grr:

Starting final clomid cycle in the next four days. :pray: