Experienced adoptive parent


#1

I have been checking out some other areas of the forum and wanted to post here really quickly. After 8 years of secondary infertility my hubby and I adopted 2 precious little girls through foster care. We love that we adopted and love our girls just as much as we do our bio son. It’s not exactly the same, we fell in love with each of our children differently, however we love them each as much as the other and we love how unique each of our children’s story is.

I’d love to lend an ear and be a support for those who are going through this right now. We were so very blessed by adoption, we love to support those going through it and love to share our story! Adoption is… indescribable… I wish everyone knew how great it was, more would want to do it!


#2

Hi Tracee,

My DH and I more than likely will not be able to have biological children. It’s something that I’m still struggling with so I know we’re not ready for adoption, but I am trying to work through my grief and learn as much about adoption. I ordered a few books online, but haven’t started to read them yet. It’s just too overwhelming right now. We’ve been TTC #1 a little over 3 years. We’re not able to do foster adoption in our area so we will be looking at domestic infant adoption. I would just appreciate any advice you (or anyone else)can offer.

Thanks!


#3

Our story is pretty similar to yours as we have a bio son and are in the process of adopting our daughter through foster care. How old were your girls when you adopted them? How long after termination were you able to finalize. Our termination happened October 27th and we couldn’t have been more excited but now I’m anxiously walking through the next steps. The parents are nowhere to be found so appeals are unlikely and there are no grounds anyways. Relatives are not involved either. We’ve been told we don’t have much to worry about but I will be nervous until the paperwork is signed making her ours forever.


#4

Considering Options

We have a wonderful son that is 5 years old by an IVF cycle. I have had some pretty serious health concerns topped with the economy where we have suffered a big drop in income. I ache for a daughter. I am not sure if I can handle physically/mentally/financially another IVF cycle. So we have talked about adopting via foster children. We have concerns about it of course. What is the first step that you took to make this decision for your family?


#5

I would suggest making a list of questions you have and talking to people who have gone that route… join some support groups/forums, etc. I would also start looking into the foster system in your state. When you look into it, it will say reunification with the birth family is priority - and it is for CPS, but out of 12 kids we’ve fostered only 1 has gone back to a birth parent, and it wasn’t the parent who neglected him. So they will tell you that is their goal, and it is, but the odds are still in your favor for the most part. Each state’s system is different, so get to know yours well. I’d also suggest looking into a private agency that facilitates foster parents, not going through the state directly. Once you find some agencies, interview them, visit their office, ask if you can talk to current foster parents and go with your gut feeling!


#6

once you have kids, does the monthly reminder get easier?

DH and I have been trying to adopt through various routes for 2.5 years. In the meantime, we briefly visited the idea of IVF a couple of times but decided against it each time.

We are now moving forward with international adoption, but my question deals with the monthly reminder. We don’t have any kids yet. We fostered a little girl for 10 months, and now that she’s RU with her mom, we stay in touch (in fact I babysat her this morning). It was gut-wrenching to see her go (LONG story), so I refuse to do foster care again. There’s no straight-adotion of younger, healthier kids in my area.

Anyway, every month without fail, I am super aware of the various fertility signs (our situation is severe male factor infertility, I would not consider ds), approaching :af: , etc. When I’m irregular, or I get some weird spotting, I can’t help but get this crazy thought in my head (miracle implantation bleeding?). We decided not to adopt a baby, bc we got that baby bug out of our system through fostering our Baby VV. But I didn’t get the one-time dream of a home waterbirth out of my system, and while I know I would make a rotten pregnant woman, the reminders drive me crazy.

It’s not that I ache for a bio child, just A child. We’ve had so many fall throghs and set backs in trying to adopt, I can’t help but think how much easier it would be if I just got pregnant.

So my question is this: once you have that child you’ve been waiting for for so long, does the monthly visitor still tug at your heart for what might have been? Does it get easier? Do you eventually forget how much intensive time and attention you spent learning about your body, seeminglly all for nothing? What can I do to put it in the past? Like I said, I KNOW I don’t want to parent a newborn, no questions. They’re super cute and cuddly until you’re the one having to wake up all night long to soothe them. I kid you not, thank God for our foster daughter, bc we’d still be trying to adopt a newborn. So if it’s not that, then what’s my problem?!


#7

I think you are longing to experience pregnancy. Being that I had already experienced a pregnancy going into adoption I can’t say I know how you feel. I would say that if it is eating at you then it is obviously important to you. I think you need to sit down and really think about what is important in the long run. I won’t lie, i would have loved to be pregnant again but I sat down one day and said I am going to let it go. I can live without it and if I dwell everyday I will never be content. It’s all so tough and I’m sorry about your little girl. I live everyday in fear knowing the foster to adopt plan can fall through. We’ve been so fortunate to have parents who are MIA and not in the picture at all. I’m so glad her bio mom is letting you still see her though. That is great.


#8

Sorry, when I replied yesterday I for some reason only saw the last reply…

We got our older daughter (3 now) at 18 months old, after parental rights were terminated, so we only had to wait the 6 month period before adopting her, she had just turned 2. Our younger daughter (2 now) we got at 2 days old, so we had to wait a year before parental rights were terminated (what a LONG year) then 4 months after that we adopted her! She was 16 months old at adoption.

In Texas they require the child to be in your home for 6 months before you can adopt them, so that is why we had to wait for our 3 year old. They also give the birth parent 90 days to appeal, which is why we had to wait the 4 months for our younger daughter (we’d already had her over 6 months so that part was done).

I’ve seen some adoptions where they drag their feet to get the child an adoption worker, but you can keep asking when it will be turned over to the adoption worker. Keep on them until they do it! Let the adoption worker know you want it done ASAP and keep on them too!

And congratulations!!!


#9

[quote=anilorak13ska]
So my question is this: once you have that child you’ve been waiting for for so long, does the monthly visitor still tug at your heart for what might have been? Does it get easier? Do you eventually forget how much intensive time and attention you spent learning about your body, seeminglly all for nothing? What can I do to put it in the past? Like I said, I KNOW I don’t want to parent a newborn, no questions. They’re super cute and cuddly until you’re the one having to wake up all night long to soothe them. I kid you not, thank God for our foster daughter, bc we’d still be trying to adopt a newborn. So if it’s not that, then what’s my problem?![/quote]

I still long to be pregnant and I did experience that. I LOVED being pregnant, I loved the closeness between my hubby and me during the time we were pregnant with our son. I have adopted, but I still am hoping some day to get pregnant. It’s been 10 years for me and I still notice all those signs as well. So I think it will just depend… once you adopt you may be so busy you don’t even think about it anymore. Or it may be something you are just going to be conscious of for awhile. My dear husband offered once to get a vasectomy just so I wouldn’t have to go through that wondering each month. I told him NO WAY, but I understand why he offered. It doesn’t make me unhappy each month, I’m just aware.

I think it’s great you have such a good relationship with the bio mom of the little girl you had :slight_smile: Had we lost either of our girls I wouldn’t have been able to continue fostering either, so I know what you mean. I do love fostering though, we only wanted to adopt but now have fostered 13 kids. I’m not sure my desire to mother more kids will ever go away either, lol!


#10

[quote=Peabody1]Hi Tracee,

My DH and I more than likely will not be able to have biological children. It’s something that I’m still struggling with so I know we’re not ready for adoption, but I am trying to work through my grief and learn as much about adoption. I ordered a few books online, but haven’t started to read them yet. It’s just too overwhelming right now. We’ve been TTC #1 a little over 3 years. We’re not able to do foster adoption in our area so we will be looking at domestic infant adoption. I would just appreciate any advice you (or anyone else)can offer.

Thanks![/quote]

I know, now that we have more than 1 child, I really wish I would have taken the time during our “infertility” years to gain as much knowledge about adoption, processes, laws, etc. as I could have. I did look but I really could have been more prepared for the time ahead. We didn’t know we’d want to keep fostering children, but I do wish I’d used all those years to prepare myself for what lay ahead for us. I was so emotionally spent from jerk doctors (my husband is military), lack of money for fertility treatments or an overseas adoption, etc. that I really had no focus.

So I think my advice would be to focus on something for the future. If you know you want to do an infant adoption start looking for people who have done that. Ask them how they went about it, what types of things they did to help them get chosen. Did they make a website, go through an agency, etc? Research everything, that way you’ll know what is coming and be prepared. Look into the different types of adoption - open, semi-open, closed, etc. and decide which is best for you. I am practical so I’d want to know the success stories and the failed stories as well.

I’d also say though, don’t rush your grieving process. It is normal for adoptive parents to feel disappointed they didn’t get to experience pregnancy. There is such thing as Post Adoption Blues. So make sure you have dealt with all that before hand. I wish I had, because we did have that a little bit… it’s not bad, we adore our girls. But I still do long to be pregnant - which is ok. It doesn’t mean I love my girls any less. It’s just a longing I have and it’s ok to feel that way. I had a lot of guilt at first, still wanting to have another biological child.

Adoption is so wonderful though… I don’t even know how to describe it… you just wish everyone knew how great it was, they’d all want to do it too!!


#11

Looks like your adoptions went pretty well after termination. She will be in our home 6 months on Christmas day. What a Christmas present! Our day 90 is January 26th. Our agency caseworker has made us aware that things can slow down. We are hoping to adopt her in February or March but know there can be delays. I talked to her worker yesterday and she said the file still hadn’t been transferred but she had done everything on her end. I’ve heard so many different things regarding the appeals process. Our daughter’s attorney told us the appeal has to be on his desk by day 15 post termination. My agency worker says it’s 30 days for parents now and the whole 90 days for relative intervention. Then I’ve been told 90 days before. I don’t know what to think anymore. I found this on a website regarding appeals.

[FONT=Book Antiqua]Termination and adoption judgment in Texas become final 30 days after the judge’s signature. If a motion for new trial has not been filed within the 30-day period, or an appeal to the court of appeals has not been perfected within the same period, a termination and/or adoption judgment in Texas is extremely secure. [/FONT]
[FONT=Book Antiqua][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial]I’m in agreement regarding knowing adoption laws and information. I went in pretty lost and to be honest we go day by day as to what is next. I just can’t wait until the day we sign and she is ours forever. Everyday I’m reminded that she’s still a foster child when I have to sign her birth name on doctor’s paperwork, schedule worker visits, documentation craziness, WIC paperwork, etc. It is all so worth it though. She fits into our family perfectly. We have decided not to have anymore children. We would have to use donor eggs with IVF to conceive and the cost isn’t doable. We would adopt again if the case fell into our lap. We wouldn’t pursue it though. Two kids work for us. [/FONT]


#12

I had heard in Texas that they were going to let the families have 90 days after the termination to decide if they wanted the child. Which I just think is stupid! Really, they have a year to come forward and say “sure I’ll take them”, why let them have an extra 3 months?! We were so nervous about our daughter, a “friend” of the family came forward and hired a lawyer and tried to get her. They’d been on a waiting list for China for a few years. They didn’t know the family well, they were overheard getting to know each other at a hearing. We aren’t sure if some type of backdoor deal was happening with them and the family. We ended up hiring a lawyer as well.

Where about in Texas are you? We’re in Abilene. I am really not sure what we’re going to do kid wise…we have 2 foster kids in our home now that I’d love to adopt. We’re also trying clomid right now. We aren’t going to do anything further to have children if the clomid doesn’t work. Not with 3 kids already and the possibility to adopt more. I really want to keep the two we have, but I really want to get pregnant too. That would put us at 6. I know we could do it, but people think we’re crazy! We just love kids!


#13

torn, like an old sweater

Tracee-
You are amazing. I love your blog. My husband and I cannot conceive, and really don’t want to spend anymore money TTC when there are plenty of children out there who need parents. I have looked into foster to adopt, but am so terribly afraid of raising a child for a year and then losing him/her. I am, however, more afraid that we will foster and my DH will be reluctant to bond. He tends to be a pessimist so I can see him putting up a barrier so that he doesn’t get hurt if the child goes back with his/her birth family. Has anyone out there experienced this and how did you overcome the thoughts of possibly losing the child.


#14

We are in Houston. Our daughter’s case has been fast tracked and the mother has lost 5 older children who are all in foster homes. We have a very rare case where it couldn’t be more perfect. The parents’ rights were terminated when she was only 8 months old.

I have to say that the fear of losing her never really leaves the back of my mind. We don’t worry as much now that we are past the termination point. I will say that bonding was more difficult for me than my husband. I was terrified to plan anything with her for fear she wouldn’t be here anymore. Over time my bond has grown stronger.


#15

Hi All

Can I join in 2? I am 42 and just finished my last IUI with injectables. I did look into donor embryos but realized the wait time is 3-6 months and in that time I could have adopted. So we are meeting a lovely vaciliator sunday and willl decide between her or an agency on Monday. Both range in the $30,000 but have a 2-6 month placement. One puts your profile on line and the other passes out a book!

I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders today. I decided that somewhere is a child that will find him or her way toward us. And we will love, protect and nurture this little one. Maybe things happen for a reason and my body will not give me a second biological child that is ok, I rather move on now then to keep hoping and getting depressed when it doesn’t happen.

My only fear is trying to joggle 2 kids at 43!!! Will I have the energy???

amy


#16

:welcome: I also felt a huge weight lifted when we decided to adopt. I was so happy to be done with all the hormones, etc. I’m finally at a point now that our little girl is home and thriving that I am actually relieved to never have to be pregnant again. Good luck with getting everything arranged and in order to proceed the adoption route. There were times where it was all very stressful but in the end it is totally worth it. Good luck and keep us updated.


#17

hi gals- thanks for this thread…i am in the final cycle of TTC with gonal-f/iui but we have already moved ahead with our adoption stuff. we actually registered with our agency last year and are turning in all paperwork this week…

i agree that you DO fall in love with each child differently. I MYSELF am adopted, so i am excited to share that experience with my adopted child.

i really don’t have questions and such, but just glad you’re all here! -a-


#18

Hello all I thought I would join, although my story is a little different. We moved toward adoption right away. After my miscarriages I just didn’t want to focus on the infertility stuff. I choose to focus on adoption. We were looking at adopting only children that were free for adoption throughout the united states. There was a websight I was on all the time! Right before our homestudy was complete we heard about a birthmom that couldn’t find a family for her child due to prenatal history and bio family’s history. There were looking for adoptive parents who had been trained as foster parents. To make a long story short we were picked by the birth parents within two weeks of our Homestudy being complete! We adopted our daughter and picked her up from the hospital. Of course rights were terminated almost a month after she was born and we finalized 6 months after her birth!
We had decided to start fertility treatments in addition to starting the adoption process. My feelings at the time was what ever happens first. It gave me more hope. I found out I was pregnant the week we brought our daughter home. My two daughters are 7.5 months apart. They are artificial twins. We wouldn’t have it any other way!
We have since went on to have another bio child and I am pregnant now. This will be our fourth child. My husband and I are open to adopting again when we are older, in our late 30’s. But 5 children is max for us! We also love kids.
I would advise everyone to start the adoption process it doesn’t mean you have to give up hope on a bio child. Adoption can take years or in our case two weeks so never give up hope. Get your profile up at numerous adoption agencies. Or look at the kids that are already free for adoption! It saved me from a deep depression! You have to have Hope!