I feel silly for this post but I am going to post it anyway. My husband and I have a beautiful almost 3 year old son, I also have a 14 year old son from a previous relationship. My husband has 95% antisperm antibodies but because we were able to have our son we thought we would be able to have another child together. We have been trying since our son was 6 months old. DH’s sperm count has decreased dramatically where is is sometimes less than a million and 95% of those don’t work. Our son is our miracle baby. We have gone through 2 IVF’s (one with DS) and 10 IUI’s (2 with DS) with no success and we have had one pregnancy that ended with a miscarriage at almost 13 weeks (crushed us both). I have gone through all of the necessary testing including
hysteroscopy - 1 small polyp removed
laparoscopy - very slight endo removed from uterine ligament
HSG’s (2) - normal
sonohysterogram - normal
various bloodwork - all normal, AMH this year now slightly low but normal for my age they say, FSH still good (6.4)
recurrent miscarriage testing - normal
The last 2 IUI’s we did were frustrating. We used 2 different doctors because we switched doctors. In January, the RE missed my ovulation even though I told him when I thought I would be ovulating based on my past experience and charting etc. He did not believe me and I trusted him, low and behold I ovulated exactly when I thought I would and he did the IUI 36 hours later, there is no way my egg was still around.
We switched RE’s and went back to a doctor we had used in the past, its a long story. Anyway, it was an injectible cycle and at the follicle check, I had 9 small follicles ranging from 5 - 11. My RE decided to cut my dosage dramatically by half for the next few days. A few days later, I felt sharp pain just like ovulation pain in my left side. I explained this to him the next morning when I went in for my follicle check and told him that I thought something was wrong, it felt like a follicle may have released. He literally dismissed it and said that I was having colon discomfort because the follicles were too small. Again I trusted the doctor. My estrogen had dropped dramatically and he increased my dose to what it was before. I had to buy more meds and Freedom was not shipping because of the storm so it was almost double the cost. A few days later I went back in for a check and there was little to no growth and my estrogen barely budged. I received a call 6 hours later from the nurse telling me that my cycle was cancelled because my estrogen didn’t rise and my RE decided to check on progesterone and low and behold it was high, as though I had ovulated. I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. I had prayed and prayed that this IUI would work. I thanked the nurse so I could get off the phone and she said to me “well you are taking this news in stride” and I replied “what else can I do?” Yelling at her wasn’t going to fix it and she wasn’t the cause. In my head I was screaming and my heart was crushed. So I spent another $1600 on meds and $1600 on DS and didn’t even have an IUI. Mind you, I am so frustrated because I feel like these doctors don’t understand that I know my body. I have never had a problem with ovulation EVER. The only time I didn’t ovulate on day 14 was when I was pregnant. I feel defeated and just incredibly sad. So far I have tried not to cry, I usually am not overly emotional, I am the one that just wants to have a plan in place, you know how do we move forward from here but today I feel like I am going to lose it. I don’t know what the plan is. I don’t know what to do next. We are still paying off the 2 failed IVF’s, how do I go to DH and say, let’s finance another or let’s save for another that may fail. He would do anything for me, for us, but is that smart? We are already struggling with our monthly bills and saving nothing so how can we do that? I feel silly because I see so many other couples struggling to have just one baby and I have 2 children but I so desperately want another. My first child was born when I was young. I struggled for everything, to get to doctor’s appointments, to get healthcare, I had to hide the pregnancy from my family and his father cheated on me the whole time I was pregnant. I worked until the day he was born and then went back to work 3 weeks after just to be able to provide for him but I don’t regret any of it. He wanted a sibling for as long as I could remember but I wanted to make sure I did it right the second time and had stability and a good man/father. By the time I was able to do that he was 12. I want my younger son to have a sibling to grow up with, my older son will be in college in 3 years and my younger one will basically be an only child. I want him to have someone to go through new experiences with like I did with my sister. I want to be pregnant and see his expression when he feels the baby kick mommy. Is that so terrible to ask? I saw how badly my older son wanted someone to hang out with and he had no one; I don’t want my younger one to go through that. We have no family with young children near us and we have no friends with kids. It can’t be wrong that I want this for my family. All my life I have wanted a big family, they say little girls dream of their weddings, I dreamt of having babies. I love being pregnant, I love labor and delivery. I just want one more baby to complete our family. Anyway, I want what we all want. I am sorry for ranting and the long post. I just needed to get this off my chest.
I don’t know where we will go from here, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.