I will be 44 this year, and have no children of my own. My DH has fertility issues due to motility - he was told there was a one in a million chance of ever conceiving naturally. I have 3 step-kids (through IVF from his previous marriage), who live with us and I’m very close to.
Over the last 2 years my DH and I have been through two IVF cycles. Both times we got a BFP, and both times the pregnancies ended in miscarriage at about 8 or 9 weeks. There were chromosonal problems with both. We can’t afford to try another cycle, and even if we could, DH feels that we can’t go through the emotional rollercoaster all over again.
I have been finding it very hard to come to terms with the fact that we won’t have a child of our own, and often just find myself crying uncontrollably.
Then earlier this month, my period was late by about 5 days. Then I started spotting, very slightly, which went on for 2 weeks. I consulted Dr Google, and was sure I was going through perimenopause, so I made an appointment with my gynacologist. On the day of the appointment, the spotting increased to bleeding, but was still not very heavy. My gynae did an u/s, blood test and an endometrial biopsy and told me to come back the following week to discuss the results. The next day she called me - and hit me with a sledgehammer. I was having a miscarriage.
I was in total shock and still am. I just can’t get over how cruel life is being. To give us that one in a million opportunity, and to take it away before we even knew. I’m still going through the miscarriage now (I don’t want to go through the process of another D&C - its just so soul destroying). Its incredible that we managed to conceive naturally, and I am very proud of my DH!, but its heart breaking that we lost it. We didn’t get to feel any of the joy and happiness of being pregnant. We just have to experience the misery of miscarriage. I feel like I’ve been kicked, hard, while I’m already down.
And now any opportunities of closure are gone - as I’m not going to be able to stop myself hoping and longing that each month we’ll conceive again.
Sometimes life can be so unfair!