Feeling guilty for what I've done


#1

hello, I’m a new member here and my story isn’t so bright!
I’m a monster who has killed her babies. I even didn’t give them a chance to fight for their lives. I’m living in a nightmare, I’m crying without tears and my life is such a torture.
Well, it was my first time of being pregnant but as I was too small i had to do an abortion. in addition the father of that baby has left me as soon as he got to know I’ve got pregnant.
After that I lost all my hope and faith, | didn’t listen to other people, I leaded a bad way of life and that has ruined my life totally. In general i had 4 abortions and due to this I had to move from my place of living. All people over there knew about it and I felt I was not a part of this place anymore. who knew that a young girl would leave a peaceful town in seeking of happiness.
Then I met a wonderful man, we have fallen in love from the first sign. In a couple of years we got married and then has started all these… He wants to have kids but I can’t do it for him. I’m infertile but he doesn’t know the whole truth. So I’m here to find any useful information to move on. I want to have a completed family but I need to be sure I could go through everything on my way.

I would appreciate any of your advices here, thank you for creating this forum where women like me could share their experiences and problems.


#2

I am not going to judge you for all the abortions. It is something that we do when we are young and reckless. So as to solve our innate problems. We do nit think of the future at that particular time. But then what we do when we are young will definitely hunt us in the future. I just think you should have told your DP everything. About the abortions and that you are infertile. When you are dealing with a person its better you be open to them. Because in the future they might be mad. For telling them late. It will feel like you have wasted them all along. But if he truly loves you he will understand. Try to explain it to him. Everyone makes mistake. No one is righteous either. I know of a good clinic in Kiev. Bio tex can help you solve your infertility issue. Just give it a try dear. I am sure things will be alright.


#3

When you were young you did a lot of bad things. But who am I to point fingers at you. Everyone sins. So I cannot judge you because you sin differently. I am so sorry for what you are going through. The situation now is tough for you. Knowing that you had a chance but did not fulfil it. But you cannot stay in the past. You have to move on. Find ways to be a mother again. If you were able to be pregnant 3 times. That means that there is hope. By that time you were so fertile. It cannot just move out like that. There are many options you can opt to. Have you tried seeing a doctor? I ma sure you will get help. There are many means you can be a mother. Start focusing in your own happiness. Not what people are talking about you. As if they have never done anything wrong before. You can try Bio tex clinic. They have the best answers to infertility.


#4

I am not going to judge you for all the abortions. It is something that we do when we are young and reckless. So as to solve our innate problems. We do nit think of the future at that particular time. But then what we do when we are young will definitely hunt us in the future. I just think you should have told your DP everything. About the abortions and that you are infertile. When you are dealing with a person its better you be open to them. Because in the future they might be mad. For telling them late. It will feel like you have wasted them all along. But if he truly loves you he will understand. Try to explain it to him. Everyone makes mistake. No one is righteous either. I know of a good clinic in Kiev. Bio tex can help you solve your infertility issue. I also cam to know about theme here


. Just give it a try dear. I am sure things will be alright.

#5

Hello dear! I’m so sorry you faced infertility. I’m sorry you feel this way. All of us here are in the same boat. My husband and I were trying to conceive for 9 years. During all this time I’ve been feeling stressed. Sometimes or it’s even better to say most of the time, I feel like nothing can help and I want to give up. But when I think that because of my weakness I may never have kids, I feel even worse. At some point I understood that there are still options which I can use to become a mother. I chose surrogacy as an option. I want to advise you to look for options. You can ask your doctor or search the internet. You can use donor eggs or try surrogacy or adopt a child. I know this is hard to take such decisions. But feeling guilty and sorry for yourself only takes your time away from you. I wish you not to give up and be strong!


#6

Honey don’t blame yourself! You should see your doctor. Only they can tell what’s happening with you. I’d advise you to do this asap and not to waste time. I don’t think your symptoms show that you can’t conceive, but still only doctor can tell. Even if there are problems with fertility, there are treatments, which can help for sure. I wish you all the best!


#7

Oh, love! This must be hard to accept but there’s nothing to do now. Never look back! Try to seek new options. There is a plenty of routes to go nowadays. But the first thing is to find a qualified fertility expert who will guide you. You should investigate whether abortions didn’t bring any damage to you. And if yes, what sort of those. The 1st step is always difficult. ( Me - 40 yo when started ttc since 2014. Dh - 42 yo. dx: PCOS, blocked fallopian tubes. amh <3,2. Dr suggested PGD as I had a miscarriage the previous years before going ivf route. Plus dr suspected me to be a carrier of Wilson disease - a very rare treatable disorder. I had already been through 2 failed ivf cycles with oe when dr told us to move on plan B - egg donation. Though we got prego with the 2nd round only. I guess this was all my body could offer me…) If you get interested with the procedures performed overseas, I’ll be glad to answer your questions. (We were with Ukrainian clinic biotexcom). Wish you all the best!!


#8

Friends of mine underwent surrogacy in Ukraine but before contacting the clinic they did a huge research on the point, considering surrogacy in the UK, US, European countries. First, they looked into the process in the US first. There it was extremelly expensive - $60 – 150k!! For them it was a factor (actually as for everybody else!) Of course things change a lot if you have a family member or friend that is willing to carry it for you. But the process might not be smooth at all. For ex., a surrogate backs out or unfortunate situation like a miscarriage. In this case you automatically have to pay at least $5k to match with another surrogate and do their health workup through the agency! Evidently, there are so many costs that could be added at any time. A surrogate receives on average of $20 – 30k for the pregnancy. The bigger sum of money goes to the agency or lawyer. Also in some states, surrogate mothers retain a parental right to the child, and can even pursue custody. (Even though the embryos placed in the surrogate have both of yourDNA!) The surrogate mother’s name is on the birth certificate. Then a couple has to go through the process of adopting the baby in court. The biggest factor, though, is time. All of the legal paperwork, signing a contract, matching a surrogate, having the surrogate go through the work-up etc. It’s been a year or two since you started the process. Discouraged, they started to look into surrogacy overseas. There were so many options! But some were very sketchy. They read some horror stories about Thailand and India. Both the countries, as a result, have shut down their surrogacy practices not too long ago.
Then how it actually came in favour of Ukraine. The huge factor for them as I’ve mentioned above was process cost. In Ukrainian biotexcom it turned out to be relatively affordable. Clinic’s all-inclusive plans for 32k - 50k euro. They covered absolutely everything outside of your plane tickets. Meds, accommodation, transportation, food. All things that involve IVF, surrogate screening and birth at the hospital. And it was also the same price if donor eggs are chosen to use instead. It was a nice back-up plan to have if things didn’t work out with OE at no additional cost! This blew them away! The best part about it is that they guaranteed them a baby (If the first surrogate doesn’t work out, they will try again with another until they are successful!)
Also Ukraine is one of the few places where the laws favor the intended parents rather than the surrogate. Under Ukrainian law, the baby is yours from the moment of conception. Once the baby is born, they put down your names in the birth certificate. Surrogate can’t claim any rights!!


#9

Hi buddy. Firstly, it is very good to see that you have selected a right place to speak your heart out. No body over here is going judge you. It is all like a family. All you need to do is stay strong. Tell your husband the whole story. It is necessary for him to know about it. Infertility is not really a problem. Seek the help of good doctors. You can go for surrogacy or IVF. You can’t lose hope. Be positive about it. All the best to you. My prayers are with you.


#10

“Hey. Don’t blame yourself. Try to seek new options. . I’d Suggest you go For Surrogacy as soon as possible and not to waste time. I am so sad for you. I know it would be extremely painful for you. In any case, it was in your fate. You can’t fight with your fate. I can understand your situation. I had cervical incompetence due to which I faced infertility for 10 years. I went to IVF however it flopped in the main cycle. I was not sufficiently strong to let it all out once more. I went for surrogacy and I picked that facility in Europe. I heard alot of stories of overcoming successes about it. Presently I have a child. I am so glad to have him.
“””


#11

Hi Maryal. Your story just left me in shock. I don’t know how did you survive. I really appreciate your courage. You are a fighter. And don’t lose hope. There are so many people in the world who can’t have a baby. You may go for IVF. As you can totally enjoy being a mother. And your husband would love to see your pregnant. Also, you may go for surrogacy. but in that case, you can’t carry your children. So I will suggest you that you may try for IVF. Will pray for you. best of luck.


#12

I won’t judge you for what you did. Life is uncertain. No one knows what has to come next. But the thing that has struck you is so bad. That no one wants to be at this stage. The fear of being infertile and of not having a baby or a family for yourself. All these thoughts are actually nightmares. The only thing I could suggest you this time is to consult your doctor, He would suggest you about what and how, to begin with. Because the condition you are in ask for the consultation. Good luck.


#13

Hello Maryal. Yes! I agree you’ve been a lot! But, dear! There is no benefit on having regrets. You can’t change the past! So, yeah! Don’t be tense! I know what you feel. There are still plenty of things you can try! I’ve also had same number of losses. But, mine were 3 MCs. So, yeah! I know! Think forward! I’m also having an IVF this year at a repro center in Ukraine. You can also seek out other options, you can still give him what you want. Stay blessed! xx


#14

Your dr should have told you before this is not your fault! We all need more compassionate people into our lives. As this gives us strength to fight infertility. I’m so glad we had the opportunity to have been treated not like ‘cycle’ but like ‘individual case’ at Biotexcom. This was a huge luck! I’ve always been a promising architect putting all my strength & time onto career. So my infertility found me at the age of 40 yo (Probably sooner, but I’ve never happened to know about my issues before.) Dh was 42 yrs old. We got married in 2013. TTC since 10/14. Soon I was diagnosed on PCOS & blocked fallopian tubes. My AMH results came in <3.2. IVF 9/15 - failed. IVF 12/15 - failed. I never saw the faintest of BFP which was driving me mad. DR suggested PGD as he suspected me of being a carrier of Wilson disease - a very rare treatable disorder. Our further step was using donor eggs. It took us 2 shots to get prego with them. Though I’m sure I could continue trying with ivf if no luck. Sorrogacy was the last option to count on for both of us. Honestly, we even did a huge research on how the process was going to be just in case. So I’ve got so many things t share with ladies here applying for this option. All in all, ivf or surrogacy - This must be a mutual decision of the IP and their dr whom they really trust. If he says there’s no possible luck with ivf and suggests surrogacy - then probably it’s time doing this. Everyone’s path is so individual. I’m wishing you the best with yours. Really hopeful for you. Stay strong & take care x