Feeling quite neglected in "THAT" way...sorry for the TMI


#1

Okay so this is pretty embarrassing, but I’m feeling so sad and neglected by my husband. We have only had sex a handful of times since I got pregnant with twins nearly 33 weeks ago. We tried to conceive for years and during that time he was always saying to me, “I hope you don’t think I’m strange or anything, but you are going to be the most beautiful pregnant women someday and I won’'t be able to keep my hands off of you!” Now that I am…whole different story. Now granted, I started with severe OHSS in the beginning that really put a screeching halt to any intimacy, but after that I was ok. I was on modified best rest most of my 1st tri, back to work almost all of my 2nd and the beginning of my 3rd and I’m back home now till the babies come.

I love feeling close to him and bonding in that way, but I pretty much have to beg at this point which hurts. My body certainly isn’t itself but it isn’t ugly either :frowning: I’m suffering with a lot of aches and pains plus terrible restless leg syndrome. Honestly sex and especially orgasms really help curb all my discomforts. I joked tonight that we were going to “do it” tonight whether he liked it or not. Before bed he climbed in and got me off manually, in a very mechanical “get me off his case” way. It took me forever to get there because I felt like a small step up from housework, not connected with him at all :frowning: I thought afterwards we would still have sex… he said “no that’s ok I’m good.” He said I could hardly roll over in bed without discomfort, how on earth was I going to attempt sex with him??

He claims he is terrified of hurting me or the babies and he would never forgive himself, but even through the worst I have never been put on pelvic rest. He is wonderful in every other department except this one. Our relationship lately feels like a NON-marital family member one. He is my care taker thats all.

I know what you might be thinking and no…I know he’s not cheating, he works constantly and one of my good friends works with him, he’s always there. I have never been suspect of his whereabouts once. Apparently he has only even masturbated once or twice since that famous day in our RE’s office to make our LO’s. He states he’s in business “care taker” mode and is not at all motivated sexually. He is too focused on everything else.

I know I should be more understanding I’m just SO lonely all day and feeling so unattractive. I miss him so much I could cry! Once the twins are born it’s only going to get far worse for both of us for a long time :frowning: Maybe I’m being selfish but I’m really down about this :frowning: I want our old sex life back!!! Just want to feel pretty, desired and attended to again…

Sorry for the long post and TMI…can anyone relate??


#2

First I just want to say that this is perfectly normal. I have been pregnant 4 times and every time my husband kinda loses his libido. It hurt my feelings with my second and I thought he just thought I was ugly or something, but after all these years I realize that it is just his way of being paternal just as for us we change in ways that make us more maternal. Also, it may seem like an excuse, but they really are concerned about hurting baby.

There are also other things that just disturb them too. For example, my husband says it is hard for him to ignore the baby’s movements that he can feel during intercourse. Especially since the baby is a girl this time. When she moves around while we have intercourse it kinda disrupts that closeness you have because you realize there is another person there with you.

Plus it is much more difficult to get me going than usual because of the hormones, lack of sleep, and just not being so comfortable and that kinda throws him off too because intercourse just isn’t as natural as it is when I am not pregnant and I don’t think he always know how to deal with that. He wants me to be comfortable and enjoy it and at the same time he is thinking about a baby while trying to have intercourse so it is just all very distracting I think for the male brain.

I have had all of my previous babies early and although this pregnancy is going well and I too have not been on bed rest my husband just wants her to stay in as long as possible. He does not want to feel he is the cause should I go into labor. Really isn’t all that different from us wanting to follow every Docs instructions to the letter during IVF and trying to conceive. We get religious about it and truly they think that too and because their minds are distracted by all these concerns it just takes their libido away. I think all of these concerns are even more heightened in first time parents (not saying you are) and in a situations such as mine with premature deliveries and yours with twins too because the risks are higher and they envision all that can go wrong and that just hinders the intercourse/intimacy part.

I know how frustrating it can be though because you still want to feel desired and still want to feel that closeness with your spouse. Also, having your belly in the way kinda keeps you from being able to get really close as you used to. It is just all part of this paternal/maternal period and isn’t necessarily an indication that anything is wrong. Things should go back to normal after the babies are born and sleeping through the night since then you will both finally be able to relax and little and be rested enough.

In the meantime all you can really do is just express to your DH how you are feeling and that it isn’t about intercourse alone, but that you are feeling disconnected from him. Maybe you can both come up with some ways that will help to reconnect you.


#3

Thank you for the kind words Ahhny :slight_smile: He wrote me a very sweet supportive text from work today. It really helped. I’m going to do my best to regroup my patience and understanding. What you wrote really made sense. Thank you :slight_smile: