Feeling very blah


So, nearly a year after first seeing our RE, here we are: 2 failed IUIs, no baby, no game plan, boring sex, and a whole lot of frustration. I don’t know that I have ever felt so blah, not knowing how to fix it. I’m not really mad, or even sad. Just blah. We don’t have the money for IVF. I don’t have the income for a loan for IVF/paying the bills after. DH just told me tonight things are changing at his work and he may start working 3rd shift. As if our sex life wasn’t lacking enough as it is, now I will potentially, literally not see him awake most of the week. Sex is boring. Not enticing. And on his standards; must be when he goes to bed, not in the morning, don’t wake him up, he has to be in the right mood, I can’t have said anything to have hurt his feelings all day, and so on and so forth.

I’ve lost hope that we will ever have a child, on our own or with IVF. His counts suck. Plain and simple. They haven’t gotten better, or it should have worked by now. His attitude about getting pregnant has turned to absolute crap. I’ve spent months peeing on friggin’ opk’s, done two rounds of shots, and all the other fun stuff we women get to do. All I want from him is a little support, and I feel like I haven’t gotten any from him in months. “Oh, we really need to try on our own before we resort to IVF.” How the @@@@ does that happen when sex is on his terms all the @@@@ time? And I’m [I]always[/I] the one to initiate lately.

I’m not happy anymore. But, I’m not really mad or sad or anything else. It’s like there is no emotion. I can laugh at something funny, but arguing with him tonight, when I’d usually be crying, fighting back tears was no problem at all. IF is ruining my marriage, and I’m not sure what to do about it. I suggest counseling, but he shrugs it off. For a year I’ve felt like he’s holding something back, and I still feel that way. I just wish I could figure out what it is. I don’t really have friends I can talk to about any of this, so here I am. I needed to vent to someone, and you ladies/guys are it.