Flood gates opened


#1

This is my first time posting on an fertility forum, but I have been looking at them for the past year. DH and I have been TTC for 19 months now, and I just got a BFN yet again this morning. We have been going to an RE since April, and have been doing IUI for the past three months. I’ll be 33 in three weeks. RE says our infertility is unexplained. Everything seems to be in order, other than the fact that I can’t conceive after 19 months of trying.

I’ve been pushed over the edge this weekend, when my husband’s brother informed us that he and his wife are pregnant. Just back in September, sister-in-law and I had a heart to heart about my struggles ttc. She never mentioned that she was ttc, and in fact, told me that she wasn’t ready to have kids yet and planned on waiting for another year or two. Apparently instead, she went off birthcontrol the next month, and got a BFP three weeks later. My other sister-in-law just had a girl back in May, and now, we are the only couple in the family who haven’t conceived, and we’ve been trying longer than anyone (sister-in-law who just gave birth only tried for two months before BFP). We are also the oldest couple in the family.

When first sister-in-law told me she was pregnant it fueled our fire and made DH and I try harder and make an appointment with RE. But now, with the most recent news, I feel disheartened. I feel like the flood gates have opened, I have been more weepy and depressed in the last two days than in the whole time that we have been ttc. I feel as though it is never going to happen for us, that we’re not meant to. I know couples have gone on much longer journeys than ours, but I also know that we are in a minority of couples who ever reach this point in ttc. I’m normally an optimistic person, but this weekend, my optimism has about run out, and getting the BFN and reddish spotting this morning, meaning AF is on her way later today or tomorrow doesn’t help.

Some guidance here on how to get through Thanksgiving - where not only will DH and I be missing our next opportunity TTC (because traveling out of town for the holiday), but for 24-7 for five days will also be around both sister-in-laws and beaming parents-in-law of one grandchild and about to be two?

Feeling low, and feeling guilty for being so upset about others’ pregnancies. I know I should be happy for them and should celebrate for them, but the pain I’m feeling is just so devestating at this point. Plan on going to counseling, but feel like might be more helpful, or just as helpful, to start communicating with others who are experiencing the same types of feelings and frustrations. People who haven’t been there simply don’t understand the feeling.


#2

:welcome: You’ve come to a great place for support, the girls on here are amazing! Please don’t feel guilty for having these feelings, we’ve all been there. I know exactly how you feel My hardest infertile moment was just after one of my IUI’s. I was at my mums house and we were talking about pregnancy symptoms and what I did and didn’t have. We decided to go buy some tests to find out for sure. She bought me a 2 pack so I took one and it was negative, that was really hard but then my younger sister asked if she could use one cause she had most of the symptoms we were talking about. I thought she was just trying to be included so I said yeah, sure. A minute later she called out in a panicked voice “Why is there 2 lines?” I remember feeling the panic set in but then I thought, no way… She’s just trying to be funny. I said ‘bull****, show me’. As soon as she came out of the bathroom and I saw how freaked she looked I knew she was for real, I looked at the test and there it was, positive. I remember all the thoughts flooding through my head, why her, why not me, she doesn’t even want kids, she wasn’t even trying, why am I being punished, I should be first - I’m older but the worst one was that I was jealous - it was my test, it should have been my positive. I broke down big time. I felt sooooo ripped off. She was in the bathroom having a breakdown cause it was positive (after a one night stand!!!) and I was in my mums room having a breakdown cause mine was negative. My poor mum was going in between rooms trying to calm us both down. I felt like it was so unfair, not that she could get pregnant but that she was pregnant and crying cause she didn’t want to be. I would’ve given anything to be where she is and she didn’t even want it or have to try. I was so grateful that she didn’t have my issues but then I was wondering why she got perfect fertility and not me, it just didn’t seem fair (I didn’t want her to have IF, I wanted to be like her - fertile). With all of these thoughts running through my head I couldn’t help but feel grateful that she never had to go through the hell that I had to with infertility. After I calmed down I tried to see things from her point of veiw; she was terrified and she needed me. I pulled myself together and realized that I’m going to be an auntie! I started to get excited because she didn’t know much about children and I knew she’d need me - I figured it was the next best thing to having one of my own.

I felt so guilty (and still do) for having all those initial thoughts but with everything we go through, it’s only natural. What counts is the way you handle them. Take time to feel sorry for yourself. A good cry in the bath or shower always helps, let it out and after you’re all cried out there’s nothing left but determination to forge ahead. Don’t look at AF as the end, look at it as the start of a new cycle and another chance to try again. Make a plan, that really helps too. The depression will come and go while you’re TTC, that’s why we all refer to it as a rollercoaster - there’s so many ups and downs. Stay focused on the final results and you’ll get through it. I feel so privileged to be where I am now and I don’t take any little thing for granted. If I had to go back and do it again, I wouldn’t change a thing - the struggle makes the end result that much better!

Wishing you all the best :flower:
Sarah xoxo


#3

wish2- I’ve been through the same stress before as well- situations such as you describe where people just seem to get pregnant out of nowhere and it’s in my face. I like photography and I personally find it a little better to back away from the kids and just take pictures of them instead. I snap all day long with my camera- hundreds of pictures later, I feel like I was able to seperate myself from the stress by not being asked if I want to hold them, etc. by just taking pictures instead. That’s my personal thing.

My husband has also been helpful at distracting me each time we were in a scene with a baby and he saw that “look in my eyes”- he would sweep me away by guiding me somewhere else or totaly changing the topic.

Also, I have at times considered playing sick and ducking out completely from such events- fortunately not many in my family have young kids/babies so if I ducked out of an event it was usually one with friends and they understood.

I wish you the best this Thanksgiving season. I know how much it sucks!


#4

Sarah and Ih8shots - thank you so much for your supporting words.

Even after submitting the forum post, I immediately felt like I had lifted a weight off my shoulders. I think I needed to get it out there.

But logging back on and seeing your replies and support helps even more.

Sarah - your story really touched me. I definitely need to work on being excited for my sister-in-law. I know I will love my little niece or nephew dearly, but I have definitely had a few good cries this weekend. And you’re right, having a baby this close in the family might be the next best thing.

Ih8theshots - I definitely will take the advice about taking pictures. I also really like photography, and so it wouldn’t be that out of the ordinary for me to be wandering around with a camera all day (in fact I never leave my house without a camera in tow). And maybe I can get my husband to be a little more attentive to that look in my eyes so that he can distract me as well. I definitely thought about the “playing sick” route.

Still not looking forward to the Thanksgiving travels, but I think now my biggest frustration is being away over ovulation day, so that we won’t be able to try IUI again this month. I’m not even sure what our sleeping situation will be, so there’s a strong chance that we won’t be able to try at all. But I’ll keep my fingers crossed otherwise. Or maybe, since some of my cycles are longer, I won’t even ovulate until we get back, which would be the most ideal! :cross:


#5

Hang in there!

I have 3 siblings. None of my siblings have had any problems getting pregnant. My brother has 2 boys. My sister has 2 year old twins. My younger brother (who has one testicle I might add) also has twins. My husband and I ttc for 7 years. Tried IVF and have a son that is now 5. Now I struggle with wanting a second. It seems everyone around me is pregnant. My favorite cousin… my best friend… all they had to do was look at each other and got pregnant. No one around me really understands the struggles that infertility brings. Hang in there! and don’t give up.


#6

Wish2- I’m right there with you. DH and I have been ttc for about 3 years and everyone else in our family is free from fertility issues. We just found out that DH has a genetic abnormality that made him sterile but his sister just recently had her 8th child. Yes, I said 8th. She and her husband were having a hard time NOT getting pregnant and here I sit just wanting ONE baby. I can’t help but feel angry and jealous.

Christmas was my tipping point. At our family get together all she could do was complain about how difficult it was to be a parent and that I should be grateful that I don’t have those responsibilities. It’s hard enough to be happy for someone who wanted their pregnancy but it’s darn near impossible to act happy about it when it seems they don’t even want it (and even harder when it comes so easy for them). I think yesterday was the first day since Christmas I made it through without completely breaking down.

I am really thankful that I found this place. Hearing other people’s stories has helped validate everything I am feeling and has helped me to realize that I’m not a bad person for having those feelings. I think that a part of the journey is accepting that and finding a way to still live your life the best that you can. I know there will be many more days that will be rough, but I also have hope that things will work out and that there will be plenty of good days to come as well.

A good piece of advice that I’ve gotten is to find a counselor specializing in infertility. Ours has helped us loads and I don’t know what we would do without his help.

Sending positive vibes your way!


#7

SIL Delivering on Our Anniversary

I thought I would post to this thread since I started it just after I found out my SIL was pregnant. I know there was nothing that could be done to change this and obviously she couldn’t help it (the baby was due on July 22), but I just feel like fate has a cruel sense of humor tonight, because my SIL is in the hospital, and they just induced her, and she is going to deliver my nephew tomorrow, on our anniversary! And to make it an even further twist, DH and I are going tomorrow morning for our, um, 9th IUI. WTF! MIL called me tonight, and of course she is giddy, and says, I guess you’ll have to share your anniversary with your nephew’s birthday, and started laughing. I said goodbye as quickly as possible, and hung up the phone in tears.

I know my tears are more sadness for still not being a mother than anything else, but seriously, this is just a little extra twist of the knife in my heart. This journey on the path of infertility is so freaking frustrating and sad! I should be excited to welcome my new little nephew, and instead, I’m feeling sad for my own struggles to conceive. Grrrrr!! :grr: