If you can see my signature, you know that we have hit a lot of bumps in the road, particularly after finally deciding to try IVF last Fall. Basically, I do make good looking blastocysts (if not lots of them), and I do get at least a positive pregnancy test from each transfer, but don’t tend to get much further.
This time (my fourth IVF pregnancy), however, we DID get a little further, with normal early sono’s (yay!), but then no heartbeat at about 8 weeks.
Because of my age, and the 3 previous early losses, we had assumed that it must be due to “bad eggs.” I’d kind of accepted that, and was just trying to decide whether to try “one last time” with my OE, or just go right to DE. Although I was obviously disappointed, given the previous losses (and no live children), I thought we’d just waited too long to finally try IVF, and had more or less accepted where we were at. I was [I]so convinced [/I]that it had not been a viable pregnancy in the first place that I even was a little grateful not to have gone much further down the road before an eventual loss. We had the fetal tissue tested, though, just in case it might give us some better information that would help us decide next steps.
But the result just came back from Natera, telling us that the fetus we lost this time was a normal female. (Natera also tests the mother’s blood, so they can rule out “maternal contamination.” The genetic counselor assured me that this was a test of fetal tissue, and we had a genetically normal girl.) I don’t know why this is has made this so much harder to take – but I am totally devastated.
It’s probably due in part to my sister just having a baby girl two weeks ago - mine was due in early May, so they would have been just a few months apart.
But now I’m also wondering what I could have done differently during the few weeks I was pregnant. I didn’t insist on Lovenox, for one thing - my RE didn’t think it was necessary since I only carry a gene (Factor V Leiden) that can make one prone to clots, but have never clotted as far as I know. (I only know about the gene because my sister HAS had clots in her legs following an accident/surgery; she lost her first pregnancy in the first trimester, and they suspect it was due to her clotting issues. She took Lovenox for her second, successful pregnancy.) I also was not able to cut back on stress - I’m a lawyer with an [I]extremely[/I] stressful job – and so I’d planned to take a cut in hours/pay (I’d even already put in the request), but then my husband lost his job. Now I’m regretting not making the cutback anyway.
I’m having a miscarriage panel done and some further uterine testing, etc. to rule out any other obvious causes before we do any FET/or more cycles of IVF. But there may not be any real answers, and that bugs me too.
My husband tends to see the news as a net positive – hey, we can make normal embryos! – or at least as positive as news from a loss report could possibly be. He’s totally NOT getting why I was more or less resigned before, and now am deeply upset. (I don’t want to make it sound like he wasn’t upset over the loss – but I think he “processed” the loss already, and now the additional info seems to him like positive news about our chances of ever having a take home baby. A silver lining, if you will.) My Mom and my sister have a similar take, in that they think we just need to keep trying, since it’s obviously still possible (though my sister does get the continuing sadness about the loss, at least).
And maybe that is the “right” way to look at it. But all I can think now is that I [I]should[/I] be at the end of my 12th week of a healthy pregnancy, and instead I’m still childless, and may always be so.