Getting mentally prepared to use donor eggs


#1

I am new here. Hello!

This week I got the news that there is a very low chance of me getting pregnant using my own eggs in IVF. I am still going to try, but I am trying to mentally prepare myself for using donor eggs.

My sister has already said she will give me her’s. She is done having her own children and says that she is fine with giving me her eggs. She says she is honored.

I am having a really hard time squaring this all up in my brain. This has been heart breaking and I am crying a lot about it. And I can’t help but think that I will just feel like an incubator, carying my sister and husband’s baby.

I want to use her eggs because she is genetically the closest thing I can get to myself without it being me. The baby will have a chance of resembling me. And I can’t think of any other woman I would rather have a baby with.

Plus, we just can’t afford an anonymous donor.

Anyone else out there been through this?


#2

donor

[quote=MrsGarrett]I am new here. Hello!

This week I got the news that there is a very low chance of me getting pregnant using my own eggs in IVF. I am still going to try, but I am trying to mentally prepare myself for using donor eggs.

My sister has already said she will give me her’s. She is done having her own children and says that she is fine with giving me her eggs. She says she is honored.

I am having a really hard time squaring this all up in my brain. This has been heart breaking and I am crying a lot about it. And I can’t help but think that I will just feel like an incubator, carying my sister and husband’s baby.

I want to use her eggs because she is genetically the closest thing I can get to myself without it being me. The baby will have a chance of resembling me. And I can’t think of any other woman I would rather have a baby with.

Plus, we just can’t afford an anonymous donor.

Anyone else out there been through this?[/quote]

I don’t see your age or backstory with your signature to know all your details, but I am considering donor eggs myself… not there yet, but maybe soon.
Anyhow, today I spoke to my local OB who has delivered my two bio kids and known me for 10 years… he said they do work with donors for a nearby fertility clinic and he is a fan of donor program. He says they are educated and many are med students… or folks that found out about this and then do it repeatedly because they do make a good bit of money and they feel like they are really making a difference to couples who can’t conceive. He said it’s funny because people use sperm donation all the time and it’s not a big deal, but people have a harder time accepting egg donation.
The price is higher of course, but the end result is the same in that it is a genetic match to only one parent. He says when you carry a baby, you feel no different once you are pregnant. He was an advocate (which kind of surprised me because he is very old school in his practice).
He said that most of the donors are altruistic (I can’t imagine doing this just to be nice!), but that is really what motivates them. I find that hard to believe but that is what he said about the donors they have had come through their clinic.
He has never liked AT ALL having a donor be a friend or relative and says that causes real problems down the line. It is always awkward and they do not suggest it. He makes no money either way because he sees the patience mostly just for a couple scans and blood draws. But he says many clinics roll their eyes wtih a family or friend donation… just creates problems.
Having said that, I cycled iwth a lady in NY who used her sister’s eggs. She delivered twins last spring and they are all happy with decision. Her sister lives in Europe though, so they are far away from each other. Not sure that would matter.
Anyhow… It made me feel a TON better to hear him say that parents love the donor egg baby and don’t ever see that child differently or question their decision after the first positive pregnancy test.
He also said “just between us” that adoptions nowadays are a racket and he is disgusted by it. That it is “selling babies” and totally a game. He said it used to be a really great thing for everyone involved… now it’s a business infertile or adoptive couples go through a lot often before they get a baby… meanwhile attorneys, doctors, adoption agencies are making a lot of money. So he said he feels that route is emotionally and financially really tough now.
Good luck on your decision. Find out exactly how much you would save using your sister’s eggs and make sure you work out all the details beforehand with a counselor so it all works out. I would personally love a related donor, but then, I am not an expert in how these things all work out.


#3

Hi

I went through a 3 month “grieving” process when I realized I would never have my own genetic child. When I was coming out of that, I realized that I still really wanted a child and would prefer being pregnant myself and having control over the prenatal environment and have the child be genetically related to my husband, rather than adopt. I would have asked my sister to donate, but she was over 35 at the time.
When I got pregnant by DE, I was overjoyed and instantly felt so protective. My son is 13 months old now and I love him more than anything. I am his mother. I am so grateful to our donor for what she did, but my son is mine and has never felt otherwise.

Being on the other end of the journey you are just starting, I wanted to put my 2 cents in and hope it helps a little.


#4

Yup. Been there.

When we did our first IUI 2.5 years ago I bawled my little heart out at the thought of not being able to have sex and get pregnant. At that point I made a mental list of “I nevers” and at the end of that list was “use DE”. Well, after many years of heartache and feeling just stuck in life, the I never has changed to “I PRAY donor eggs help us build our family!”

If we wouldn’t be OOP, I’d probably foolishly be continuing with my OEs trying to find another golden egg. Using DEs is reducing a lot of the risks my OEs now carry due to age and for that I am tremendously grateful!

Follow your heart and good luck. :grouphug:


#5

[quote=marcycantrell]I don’t see your age or backstory with your signature to know all your details, but I am considering donor eggs myself… not there yet, but maybe soon.
Anyhow, today I spoke to my local OB who has delivered my two bio kids and known me for 10 years… he said they do work with donors for a nearby fertility clinic and he is a fan of donor program. He says they are educated and many are med students… or folks that found out about this and then do it repeatedly because they do make a good bit of money and they feel like they are really making a difference to couples who can’t conceive. He said it’s funny because people use sperm donation all the time and it’s not a big deal, but people have a harder time accepting egg donation.
The price is higher of course, but the end result is the same in that it is a genetic match to only one parent. He says when you carry a baby, you feel no different once you are pregnant. He was an advocate (which kind of surprised me because he is very old school in his practice).
He said that most of the donors are altruistic (I can’t imagine doing this just to be nice!), but that is really what motivates them. I find that hard to believe but that is what he said about the donors they have had come through their clinic.
He has never liked AT ALL having a donor be a friend or relative and says that causes real problems down the line. It is always awkward and they do not suggest it. He makes no money either way because he sees the patience mostly just for a couple scans and blood draws. But he says many clinics roll their eyes wtih a family or friend donation… just creates problems.
Having said that, I cycled iwth a lady in NY who used her sister’s eggs. She delivered twins last spring and they are all happy with decision. Her sister lives in Europe though, so they are far away from each other. Not sure that would matter.
Anyhow… It made me feel a TON better to hear him say that parents love the donor egg baby and don’t ever see that child differently or question their decision after the first positive pregnancy test.
He also said “just between us” that adoptions nowadays are a racket and he is disgusted by it. That it is “selling babies” and totally a game. He said it used to be a really great thing for everyone involved… now it’s a business infertile or adoptive couples go through a lot often before they get a baby… meanwhile attorneys, doctors, adoption agencies are making a lot of money. So he said he feels that route is emotionally and financially really tough now.
Good luck on your decision. Find out exactly how much you would save using your sister’s eggs and make sure you work out all the details beforehand with a counselor so it all works out. I would personally love a related donor, but then, I am not an expert in how these things all work out.[/quote]

So im curious…if your doctor feels the whole Adoption industry is corrupt and its just buying/selling babies, how does he not feel the same way about Egg donation?? after all, you are paying an Egg donor, you are paying an RE, so how is that different than an adoptive couple paying an agency to match them with an expectant mother? or paying the lawyer to get the adoption finalized thru the courts?

don’t believe everything you hear…while the adoption industry has many flaws, there are still great agencies out there that help everyone involved and aren’t raking in tons of money doing it either.

Disclosure…I don’t believe EITHER (adoption or egg donation) is buying/selling babies, but I’m just saying that they could easily be compared to each other.

Sorry to hijack your thread OP!!


#6

I’m going through this right now. We found out in February that we will have very little success using my own eggs (less than 5-10% chance with IVF). During my last cycle, I only had 1 egg retrieved so my RE said we would be lucky to get 3 or 4 next time, if we tried again. I have low AMH and high FSH, as well as stage 4 endo. I have a twin sister who was able to conceive with an AMH of less than .1. They are beautiful miracles and I hoped and hoped that I would be able to have my own little miracles one day. She didn’t use IVF or IUI – was able to get pregnant with Clomid only. Unfortunately, because of her age (37) and her AMH being less than mine, we can’t use her as an egg donor. So not only did I grieve the loss of my own eggs, but I also grieved the loss of hers because I felt like genetically they were the closest to mine that I would ever get. She is still very upset that she isn’t able to help me, but things happen.

After grieving for a couple of months, I came to the realization that no matter where my child comes from genetically and if I am able to carry it and it’s biologically my husband’s, I will love it like it is my own. I have a friend that has twins from an egg donor and she said that she never even thinks twice about them not being her own.

We are in the process of matching with a donor and hope to do a donor cycle in June or July. Crossing my fingers this is it for us! =) Good luck to you!!


#7

I am so happy I found this site! Thank you, everyone, for responding and being so supportive.

It is so great to hear from other people who have been/are in the same situation. It is driving me crazy having all these women who are already mothers or who are pregnant and who never had trouble getting pregnant, tell me about the power of positive thinking and about their friends who managed to have miracle babies after trying for years.

I believe it, but it is starting to sound really hollow. For instance, if one more person tells me that the minute I stop thinking about it, I will get pregnant, I might scream!

Anyway, enough of that. It is nice to hear that others have gone through a mourning process. I keep bursting into tears and feel guilty and selfish about it. I know that, in the end, I just want to have a family with my husband. But right now, the fact that it will most likely not be with my own egg is breaking my heart.

Thank you for making me feel less alone!

Mrs. Garrett

:grouphug:


#8

Mrs Garrett: I encourage you to look at the donor egg II thread. There are lots of women on there that have had much success (as well as failures) using IVF/DE. THey have been a great source of support and advise for me when I was just beginning this process.
I met my husband when I was over 40, never been married before and by that time, I was basically told that to try and use my own eggs would be an exercise in futility (told this by 2 different docs). So I never even tried using my OE with IVF. We just moved straight to DE. Sure, I cried for a few days, however I knew that I wanted a child and this would be a wonderful way for us to have a family. I am now almost 38 weeks pregnant and feel 100% that this little girl is ours!! I don’t think that I could possibly love her more if I used my OE.
I know that you will come to the right decision, but please know that this will be YOUR child


#9

Can someone give me the link to the donor egg II thread that has been recommended? I can’t seem to find it.

Thank you!


#10

Mrs Garrett I am going to tell you that the bioilogy of a family is not what is important. I was adopted as an infant and my mom and dad are my mom and dad. They are the ones that supported me, wiped my tear, celebrated my accomplishments and cared for me when i was sick. My sister was also adopted so growing up I had no “biological” family. I have since met all of the biological family on my birth fathers side and they are all amazing people that i have grown to love - but my family that raised me is still my family.

We are currently going through donor egg cycles. The first one did not work - we were crushed but now we are excited to try again in a couple of weeks we have another transfer. You are fortunate that your sister is offering her eggs but you will not be carrying your sister and husbands baby - you will be carrying your baby. Mourn the lose of your eggs and then think about the possibilities and oppurtunities that you will have and get excited about the process. A kicking baby in your belly is definately yours!


#11

Make sure you’ve really thought through it before jumping into a cycle using your sister as a donor. Most people these days plan to tell their child about how they were conceived via donor, so if that is in your plans you should consider how that will impact them. Using a known donor is right for some people, but it brings along a whole new set of issues and things to consider. Also as someone else mentioned, depending on your sister’s age you may have trouble finding a clinic that will let you cycle with her eggs. I’ve heard some clinics won’t use any donors over 30.

Good luck!


#12

[QUOTE=My11:11wish]http://forums.fertilitycommunity.com/donor-issues-egg-sperm/2020212953-anyone-just-starting-thinking-about-starting-de-process-20.html

This one?[/QUOTE]

We decided in December to start the process after receiving the news that using my eggs most likely would not work. I cried and cried and cried about this decision. Once I was able to accept it, I get excited. We were matched with a donor At the beginning of March and should have a retrieval in about 2 weeks and transfer shortly after.
Personally, I have great days and hopeless feeling days. You go through so much before you get to this point but we are hopeful this is the answer. Good luck on your journey!:grouphug: