Getting throught the holidays...


#1

My DH and I have been TTC for just over a year. My problem is that I’m not ovulating and all of my tests have come back normal. (I’m suppose to start Clomid in January.) Needless to say I’m frustrated to know there is a problem and no explanation as to why. :grr:

Anyways, I know the holidays are going to be hard to get through at my in-laws. My DH’s step-brother and his wife have a new baby and that is all anyone focuses on anymore. When he’s there, everyone talks to him, about him or scrambles to hold him. When he’s not there, all my MIL talks about is his latest accomplishments. I understand that a new baby is exciting, but it’s becoming too much to handle. There was even a time when I was in the middle of a sentence and she up and walked away because the baby just came in the house!

I just don’t know how to deal with this with a smile on my face. I get so emotional now it’s hard not to break into tears on the spot. I’m running out of excuses as to why I’m not excited to see and/or hold the baby. No one seems to understand how difficult our situation is and emotionally draining these visits are becoming. (After Thanksgiving, I came home and cried for an hour.) Any advice on how to prepare for the next month would be appreciated!


#2

Teacherie,
Unfortunately, I am going through something very similiar. My sister in law and I don’t get along very well. My husband and I have been together 11 years and she showed up about 6 years ago with an on/off relationship with my brother in-law. They decided to get married last year (unfortunately). My problem with her has to do with the fact that she “has no personality”, quoted by my mother in law. She has no problem walking into a room and acting as if you’re not even there and very bluntly saying thing’s most people would not be so rude enough to even think. Anyhow, she has had a tendency to copy thing’s that I do in the past and this time she has taken it too far. I had gotten pregnant in early June of this year, my husband and I are were incredibly suprised and very excited to tell everyone. We did not so much as get a Congratulations from her or my brother in law. I lost the baby at 9 weeks and 4 weeks later we find out she’s pregnant. I find this very odd since they have talked openly about not having children right away and she would stay on BC until then. It infuriates me every time I see her. I can not even stand to be in the same room as her or even talk about her pregnancy at all. I’ve had to see her an awful lot this past week with the holidays and I’m dreading the upcoming holidays with her. She has already started to show and I just want to burst into tears every time I see her.
I wish I had some encouraging words for you to help you get through the holidays. I find it easier to indulge in conversation as much as you can with the people who don’t care about discussing their baby all the time. This helped me pass the time without concentrating on her as much. It’s so difficult when you can’t come out and say how you’re feeling so everyone will just understand why you can’t bring yourself to be around the situation. I have been trying to deal with this as well. Luckily, my mother in law know’s what I’m going through so she doesn’t dare mention her name around me :wink: I’m wishing you lots of luck through the holidays and plenty of :babydust: . If you ever need to talk, just let me know. Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful…I guess I needed to vent too :slight_smile:


#3

This might sound drastic but if you really believe it will be that hard for you to go, then stay home! You need to take care of yourself emotionally and I think you are well within your rights to make alternative plans this year. Good luck to you!


#4

I know this isn’t what the “doctor ordered” when trying to conceive…but I find drinking wine at family events can do the trick. It makes me oh so much more pleasant and able to deal with all the children and my beautiful 4 month old niece.

That’s just me. Summer


#5

I don’t see any reason why you can’t be honest. As someone who is ttc, I get asked all kinds of personal, invasive questons. Mostly from close friends and family. Most of the time it’s pretty hurtful. I used to put on a tough face and grin and bear it but those days are long gone. Something snapped and I couldn’t play nice anymore. Dont get me wrong, I dont cut them down or say hurtful things to them but I also don’t hold back how I am feeling. I have a new neice that I love very dearly but my family also understands that I have good days and bad days. There are times when I can walk right in and love all over her and there are others when I have to stay away. As someone who has had trouble ttc I understand just how great a blessing a child is. This doesn’t mean that I have to put your joy above my sanity. I am very happy for all my friends and family who are expecting or have new little ones. I so badly want to join the Mommy train. It amazes me that some people have no clue how to act around ladies like me in this situation.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I totally know where you are coming from and I so know how badly it sucks!! I used to pray hard core for God to bless my husband and I with a baby, my prayers have changed a bit. I still pray for myself everyday, sometimes more than a handfull of times but I have also started to pray for all the women on this site. I hope that you can find comfort & peace and you are able to enjoy the holidays with your family. I will say a prayer specifically for you that you may be blessed!


#6

My heart truly aches for you! I am in a similar situation. My husband and I were the first to marry out of all of our siblings. My brother has an almost 3 year old, and his sister has a new baby. I’m really struggling with going out of state and seeing the new baby over Christmas. I think after 6 years of ttc, people just think I should be over it. However, I think it’s become more difficult to deal with, as I ache even more to hold my own precious gift.

Staying home isn’t an option for me…it would build a huge barrier between me and my in-laws, so I could understand if that won’t work for you, too. My suggestion is to take a little time for yourself while you’re there. When you feel like you’re ready to cry, call a friend, run to the store or just excuse yourself.

It’s such a difficult position, and I honestly believe unless someone has walked in your shoes, they cannot understand. It’s much like I cannot understand what it’s like to have cancer. My heart absolutely aches for those who do, but I haven’t experienced it myself.

I don’t know that I’ve offered any advice worth taking, but know that I will be praying for you, and everyone who has to be with family and friends who have new babies (for which the world suddenly seems to revolve around). I know the pain (even when we love these little ones).


#7

I think many of us are in that boat. We will have to deal with 2 pregnant women and 4 kids for christmas. Part of me wants us to stay home but i don’t think it’s worth it. Unfortunately i think the best way is to suck it up and face it. Also i plan to seperate myself as much as possible from the rooms they will be in. Because in the end, you are right, many people don’t know what it is to go through this pain… only people like us know. I think it’s ok to be selfish in this case. My advice is either to get boozed up (if possible) or try to not be around certain people as much as you can. Good luck and hopefully have a Merry Christmas.


#8

I don’t know if this will help, but I recently sent a letter to family/friends using this template:
Letter for Friends and Family Explaining Infertility (stress down fallopian tubes sperm heart) - Mombu the Medicine Forum

So far they have been pretty understanding. My SIL who has a 3 month old baby actually cried with me during Thanksgiving


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#10

I Can Relate

My brother’s girlfriend just had a baby 3 days ago. So I get a phone call from my mother saying the baby is born, and for me to call my brother and tell him congratulations. This was 2 days after my first IUI was done, and the anxiety of the 2ww had taken over. Reluctantly, I called my brother and wished him well with the new baby. Now, its not as if I am not happy for my brother, and won’t adore my nephew. Its just that its very hard to put on a happy face or voice when you’re dying on the inside because of an empty womb. Then my mother called back asking me did I call and congratulate him. I was getting highly irritated with my mom, and almost burst into tears. I was able to hold my composure and vented to my husband. This is our plan for Christmas. We are going to spend the night at my mother’s house on Christmas Eve until Christmas Day. We will open presents on Christmas morning, after that we will go to my husband’s mother’s home to spend the rest of Christmas Day, where there will be no signs of a new born baby. I know this sounds selfish, but the fact that my brother’s girlfriend and I don’t get along, and the cluelessness of everyone else when it comes to my sensitivity levels during my ttc journey, I would rather be out of site. I love my family, but there are times when I would rather be out of there company, and this is one of those times. I am so happy that I am not alone in feeling the way I do. Thanks for letting me vent, and I really understand what you are going through:grouphug: .


#11

well ladies i will be in the same boat. my cousin just told me after thanksgiving that she is expecting baby # 4 - and she wasn’t to happy about it. knowing what i am going through right now i can not believe she could even say such a thing (she went into a little further detail about it, trust me). i love her dearly, and i love all of her kids more then anything…but after i hung up the phone w/ her i called my mom & cried for an hour. needless to say that Christmas Eve is at her house…and my other cousin will be there with her 3 kids. i will also here the million dollar question - when will i have a baby?? my grandmother likes to remind me she’s not getting any younger & would like to see/hold my baby before she dies. unfortunately, i come from a large italian family and most of them know what i’m going through so i CONSTANTLY get “oh, if you just lost weight you’d be able to get pregnant” and “don’t worry, it’ll happen…and if it doesn’t then it’s God’s will” etc. fun times. i am planning on getting there late, after dinner (sorry - dh had to work!) and leaving early (sorry - dh is tired from working all day!!). the rest of the time i will be sitting next to the liquor cabinet!!!


#12

Thanks for the responses! It’s nice to know I’m not alone, especially since I don’t know anyone who’s had to struggle with TTC!!


#13

I hear all of you ladies! There is only so many times you can smile and seem excited for someone else’s bundle of joy. We recently had friends announce that they are having baby number 2 but were taken aback since they “didn’t want it to happen so quickly”. REALLY??? Try waiting 5 years and STILL be waiting!!! She quickly covered her statements by saying how happy they are…blah, blah, blah…However, it hurts sometimes because getting pregnant when you decide you want to is a luxury we will not experience.

Lots of luck to all and keep your head up! :slight_smile: