Hanging on by a thread


#1

My DH and I are at the stage where we are visiting RE’s to get info on treatment options. He had a vasectomy 20+ years ago…so we aren’t sure if he’ll be a viable sperm source, or if we’ll use a donor. We’re still trying to save as much as we can for whatever procedure is recommended, but roadblocks keep coming up. I’m mentally exhausted from trying to figure out how we’ll save enough to pay for the procedure alone.

My sis married my DH’s best friend, and combining their families gave them 4 kids. She quit her job 2 weeks before they got married, saying she wanted to find another job closer to home (she was driving 45 mins 1 way each day to work. That was 9 months ago. So far, she hasn’t looked or gotten another job (every job lead/interview I’ve sent her has been shot down for petty reasons). They are struggling to make ends meet, to the point my nephews were wearing shoes that the soles were falling off. One nephews shoes were so old he literally walked a hole through the bottom of them. My DH and I have purchased new shoes, socks, undies, etc for all the kids, because they were all falling apart. These are neccessities, not luxuries.

Sis has been my biggest confidant, and 3 months after they got married, called to tell me she was pregnant. Then she tried saying it wasn’t planned, that she may not be able to carry to term, etc. I must admit, the only reaction I could muster before I lost my mind that night was to hang up on her. I just couldn’t process what she was telling me. I still struggle. We don’t have much of a relationship, we don’t talk much at all, and I still break down at least once a week when my DH isn’t around.

I desperately want to have a child with my husband, whether its his biologically or not. Sis’s due date is around my DH’s birthday. The farther she goes into this pregnancy, the more bitter and hurt I become. I’m excited about the baby and I’m happy for them, but I’m also hurt and bitter. I’ve tried talking to her, and it turns into a stand-off, because I’m just supposed to get over it. I wish it was that easy. I don’t want to write off my relationship with her…but maybe its what needs to be done, if only to salvage my own emotional stability? Looking for advice from others…I’m too far in to be able to see clearly. Help!:grr:


#2

Some advice…

Sorry, sounds like quite a mess. I can understand your frustration - your sister is barely affording the kids she has and then promptly produces another one… Being jealous of her is normal- I’m jealous of everyone I know who gets pregnant and sometimes resent my brother and his kid.

You gotta do what works for you. It might be too much to cut off contact, but keeping it to a minimum may help save your sanity.

Good luck.


#3

Thank you. I hate feeling jealous, even though its understandable. I don’t think cutting off all contact would be good either, since I do love my sister and her family. I just want to be okay with this whole situation. Quite possibly, its just going to take some time and patience.


#4

If not speaking to her is what you need to do then do it. Nobody else worries about our sanity and no one else is going to take care of it. So you do what you must. I wish none of us had to go through these things but the reality of it does not allow us to go unscathed every time someone in our families or friends get pregnant no matter what the situation is. I’m sorry you are going through this. I have a situation myself that I will save for a post just know you are not alone here.


#5

Time will tell

Thanks you guys. I’ve limited contact as much as I can, without drawing the attention of my niece/nephews. We stopped by for a visit last night, and that was the climax to my emotions. She started complaining about being uncomfortable, and fears about delivering a big baby (my BIL and nephews are over 6’ tall, and at 14 & 16, the boys are nearly the same size as their dad).

It was too much…all I could do was walk out and sit in the truck with tears streaming down my face…I think it finally struck my husband how much pain I’m in over this situation. I’m doing alot of praying right now, just for some sense and sanity in this situation, but I’ll have to limit contact a bit more, since she’s still got 3 months to go.

I really appreciate the words of advice and support you all provide. I hate that anyone has to go through this at all.


#6

My advice is to create a little distant from your sister temporarily. Space might enable you to be able to think more clearly about the situation and it will give you a break from the stress it’s causing. If you’re dealing with IF, you’re dealing will enough stress. Surround yourself with positive people. It makes a HUGE difference.


#7

Thanks everyone.

I think my family is staring to realize that my distancing myself from her has been less about selfishness, and more about me trying to heal myself and protect myself from hurtful feelings.

While things are by no means better, I can be in the same room with her and tolerate it for short periods. After an hour or so, I’m done. This whole situation just stinks to high heaven. With lots of prayer, I’m getting through it.

Wishing you all a happy and productive 2012!
Much :babydust: and :bsv: to you all!


#8

Ooglie: Hello. I understand your sadness all too well. My niece is about to deliver her first baby at 24 yrs., not married, not planned. I feel cheated, “skipped”, “overlooked” by God. However its not my niece’s fault that I have had difficulty conceiving. In your situation your sister is not at fault either. Maybe you should try more phone contact instead of visits. You can apologize for your past reactions and keep your conversations limited to other stuff not related to pregnancy and just mention good vibes for your new nephew/niece when you’re about to hang up. God is not punishing you or using your sister to torture you. In my case, I’ve privately cried about becoming a great-aunt before becoming a mom, but I’ve managed to call my niece twice during her pregnancy. One call had nothing to do with her baby and the other call was to check up on her and find out what she needed for her baby shower. I’ll go to her party before the guests arrive and leave early before the gifts are opened. After all, I’m happy she will not have to experience the sadness of infertility and I love her with all my heart. Many, many blessings to you and know you are not alone.
:babydust:

Me: 41, thick zona pellucida (found out in 1st IVF), low responder.
DH: 42, low mobility/morphology
Children: 1 loving 14 yr. old stepson
:paw: :paw: :paw: grateful strays
Married (2nd time both- Nov. '07)
TTC: May '09
1st IUI: Nov. '09 :bfn:
2nd IUI: Dec. '09 :bfn:
3rd IUI: Feb. '10 :bfn:
1st IVF: Aug. '10, non fertilized due to ZP thickness, unplanned ICSI, assisted hatching, 2 four-cells transferred :bfn: Predictable.
Apr. '11: New doctor. Laparoscopy: endometriosis, polyp and “sticky” fallopian tubes “fingers” fixed.
2nd IVF: Aug. '11, 1 blast and 1 morula transferred. All labs good, but :bfn:
3rd IVF: Dec. '11, not even one fertilized so no transfer needed.
Jan. '12: Deciding between adoption or donor egg. Working a lot and saving. Still secretly asking God for a miracle. :pray:


#9

Your reaction is completely normal

IMHO .:flower: And I’m going to have to disagree with Oklahoma - you don’t have to apologize for anything. You need to consider your own sanity, and if that involves staying away for her for a while, so be it.

I have had more meltdowns than I care to remember, and frankly, my hubby is great, but he honestly has no idea how painful it is for me to see some folks get pregnant.

I don’t know why we have to be all “happy” and supportive for everyone all the time. Frankly, a lot of people aren’t supportive of us, and nobody gets on their case.


#10

All to familiar

I completely understand where you are coming from. I think I have cried every day since NYE when my cousin announced him and his wife were expecting and weren’t planning, a week later my brother and sil announced they were expecting and couldn’t believe that they were pregnant since they just started trying that month. Now my 25 year old, irresponsible, nephew and his girlfriend are expecting. I know what you mean about feeling bitter!!! I feel that way every day and also feel that the karma is biting me for feeling that way! My brother and I are best friends, my sil on the other hand I feel always tries to out do me. My mom always favored my brother, even though my mom is my best friend, does that make sense? I just feel that I wanted her to experience this (her first grandchild) with me and not a daughter in law. I feel horrible feeling the way that I do, and I’m constantly asking God for forgiveness, I just don’t know how to control myself? I am so happy to be an aunt, but so sad at the same time. I have been avoiding family functions because I feel that as I see their growing bellies I will just be a basket case. I also am sick of my sil saying…it’s okay and I know…when all I want to do is say to her, no you don’t know, you tried once!!!

I do have to say that having these forums to come to helps when everyone is going through the same thing. My mom has been wonderful and so has my DH and rest of the family, but I think it’s starting to get on their nerves too…

Thanks for letting me vent!!! I will be thinking of you :pray: !!!


[SIZE=1]Me - 35 y/o - no known issues[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]DH - 36 y/o - no known issues[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]Unexplained Infertility[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]:paw: Furbaby - Wylie (Cat)[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1][/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]TTC 2 years[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1][/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]1st IUI 2/9/12 (no meds) - BFN[/SIZE]
[FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT]


#11

Thank you! As painful as it was, I limited the time I spent with my sister during her pregnancy. I can’t lie, it sucked ALOT, and things were always tense.

She gave birth to my nephew this past weekend. She wanted me in L&D with her husband and our mother. I was torn, but thankfully, the hospital policy would only allow 2 family members with her during delivery.

Things are still kind of rocky. I’ve done alot of thinking and even more praying over the last 9 months. I’ve also joined a couple of forums, and have talked to alot of folks. I’m in a better place emotionally, and I owe it to alot of the wonderful people on this forum specifically. I still have my rough days, but the good days far outweigh the bad days now.

Wishing you peace and much luck in your journey, and hoping we are all able to find ways to fill the void that IF creates.