Heterosexual men who have/planning children by an egg donor


#1

Hey guys, I am new here.

After 4 years and 2 failed rounds of IVF, I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. So our next option is donor eggs.

Thanks to lots of wonderful women (like many of those here!), I have been able to read lots of stories and research on egg donation. This has been invaluable in helping me sort out my (formerly) very complicated feelings on the subject and am now very keen to proceed.

But, there is very, very little about egg donation from a male partner’s perspective. I would very much like to hear from some of the men here who have been/are in our situation. How did you decide to go ahead? How did you feel about egg donation then/now? How did you feel about baby then/now? What would you have done differently? How did it affect your relationship?

I do genuinely want warts-n-all stories, the good and the bad. I really, really want us to make as fully informed a decision as we can.

Many thanks to anyone who can help, I really appreciate it.


#2

What I hear a lot is that when a couple moves to donor egg, it’s very often the wife who does most of the legwork in terms of searching for the donor. That was certainly true in our case, and when I asked my DH why, he said it just “felt weird” for him to look through donor databases, for a couple of reasons:

(1) I was the one whose DNA was being replaced, so he figured it should be more my call–as in, we discuss what we’re looking for, I search for donors and pick some that I like, and he looks at the ones I like and offers his opinions. (The ones he liked best were always the ones who looked the most like or seemed the most like me.)

(2) It made him squeamish and just generally felt icky for him to go scrolling through pictures of young women–he said it felt too much like looking at profiles on a dating website or something. He didn’t like it.

Also, in our case, I just know way way more about the science/medicine aspect of IVF–I’m the one who researched all that, came up with most of the questions we asked doctors, etc.–so he figured I was more qualified to evaluate how good of a donor someone was likely to be.

Now, aside from that, here’s something that I think is a basic truth. [B]If you’re married to a kind and loving person, he’s going to be kind and loving about the DE process. If you’re married to a jerk, he’s going to be a jerk about it[/B]. Very, very rarely I hear of situations where a man is just behaving outrageously–there was one guy I heard of who was divorcing his wife and tried to argue in court that she shouldn’t get custody of their kids because they were born with DE, not her own eggs (he completely lost on that–that’s just not an argument a judge is going to buy).

But why was he doing that? Was it because she used DE? No, it’s because he was an obnoxious, angry jerk, and that’s how obnoxious angry jerks behave. Using DE didn’t change his personality. That woman just made the bad and unfortunate decision to marry an obnoxious jerk, and then it turned out they needed DE to have children, and then he continued being a jerk.


#3

Pants: ARe you asking because your DH is having issues with using DE?

As far as my DH is concerned: we looked at donors together, however, he did leave the ultimate decision to me, he did have veto power if he was totally against her though.
We came to the decision of using DE because if we wanted to have a baby, it was either DE, adoption or surrogate (but that would also be DE). Using DE hasn’t affected our relationship at all. As far as how he feels about our DD; he is totally head over heels. She is our baby and if it wasn’t for using a donor, we wouldn’t have her, and neither of us could imagine not having her. Although we know that she is from DE, it is certainly not something that you dwell about on a daily basis. Once you see that first US, feel the first movement you feel no differntly than if you used OE.

Good luck with your journey