I am a 32 year old male. My wife is 26. I just got the news from her that our IVF was a :bfn:. She is crushed right now. We did 6 IUI’s with only one taking. The numbers were to low and had to chemical. :(. I just want to know what i can do to help her feel better. I cannot show her that I am disappointed to because she feels like there is something wrong with her… ugh. Just at a loss for words right now.
Just treat her kindly and pamper her a little. It’s ok to let her know that you are sad too, as if you don’t she may think you didn’t really care. You’re in this together- you’re a team, and you’ll get through it. Let her know that her only worth is not in producing a baby, that she has worth independent of that. Maybe rent a movie, order in and just snuggle, and take some time to be sad and take care of each other. It’s a hard road, but traveling together can make the journey easier. :grouphug: to you both, and Good Luck!
Bless your heart for thinking of your wife. :grouphug: I agree with what the other ladies said. You can also show her by telling her it’s ok no matter what happens.
I personally would have given up a long time ago if it wasnt for my hubby (and of course the wonderful support team we have on this website). One of the things my husband said that made me feel so much better is, “babe, if its not in the cards for us to have a baby, I’m fine with that as long as I got you” I know that probably sounds cheesey, but, it worked for me since it was my hubby who wants a child of his own (I already have a son) and was the one who pushed me to start fertility treatments. The depression from a BFN or miscarriage comes from so many different angles. It goes from “why me” to “I’m useless as a woman/man” to “maybe my spouse will want to find someone who can give them a baby”
hang in there. And I want to stress once again that I truly admire you for asking this question. Your wife is lucky. Please let her know that we are thinking of her.
It’s not the normal reaction for us guys, but I’ve found my wife feels better when I show her that I’m sad as well. If I put on a brave face she feels more alone.
First of all~ I am sure you will handle her just fine if you are thoughtful enough to ask for help. When we got our BFN this summer…I cried for DAYS. The thing that my husband did that helped the most was~ he let me cry…and that was all there really was to do. He also reminded me that God had a plan and that our baby was waiting for us…it just wasn’t that one. I did find some peace in that~ but the thing he said that meant the most was this:
It will all be okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.
It turned out that he was right~ we are now pregnant with twins via our FET.
Good luck to you and tell your wife not to give up~ there’s always hope.
If you are thinking this way, I can tell you are already off to a good start. I agree with what everyone here has said, be honest about your feelings to ensure her she is not alone.
Also, let her know this is a problem you are fighting together- and not something wrong with “her.” I am the one who wears the diagnosis in my relationship, and it was always hard for me to know I was preventing my husband from having a baby. He was able to share with me how much it means I am trying to have a baby with how hard IVF is, and that meant a lot. And whenever I say somethign about “I” with IVF, he changes it to “we.”
BFN’s are a hard thing, it takes a while to feel better. I think her feelings are very normal, and letting her know her feelings are normal might help as well. I know my husband likes to try and “fix it” and help me feel better, and I think a lot of guys fall into that roll. But sometimes, it’s okay to just say “yeah this sucks, no two ways about it.” And it’s okay to feel sad about our losses.
I would recommend a trip away too whenever there is an IVF BFN. That always helps!
Good luck. Not all first IVFs work, but 86% of women in your age group will not only be pregnant- but carry home a live child within 3 IVFs. Don’t give up.
The thing I want to hear after a BFN is “you know we’re not giving up til we get a baby!” Then I’m reassured that no matter if it failed this time, there WILL be a next try.
So sorry for you BFN.
all the posts above are great advice. of course we want you to care about the BFN and be upset that it didnt work but after our failed IUI, my husband played it strong and then the following week my MIL so kindly let me know how crushed he was which in turn crushed me. Because as sad I was I of course thought of him being sad but never thought he was so upset and being quiet about it. I wanted a crutch but also someone to sulk with. Hide under the covers and cuddle with so I could cry… right after BFN we heard his long time ex girlfriend was pregnant with her 2nd son, of course this sent me into a major crying fit and his response was “i’d rather adopt 10 children with your or never have one than have one with that girl”… why do I tell u this, because as someone stated previously we worry that you guys would wish you had chosen someone else someone easier to have a baby with. And him telling me we would adopt made me upset that he would think we wouldnt have our own but I totally got his point and his point was it was me or noone and there was no regrets. He always told me he was not in a hurry and it would happen when it was right and that we wouldnt give up. Of course if there is available funds a trip would be nice too! which we did to regroup and focus on eachother and have some fun!
Good luck to you and your wife. You must be a wonderful husband to come here seeking advice on how to help her through this.
:grouphug: Hugs to both of you!
I would agree with everything above and add, let her cry. Hold her! Don’t try to “fix it”, but allow her to “feel it”. Definately don’t hide your pain, it will let her know that she isn’t alone. Also I do agree with making it a “we”. My hubby is “our” problem, but I try to tell him all the time that this is our problem and not his. He often felt horrible after our BFN’s because he blamed himself; however, after so many failures I started wondering if there wasn’t something wrong with me too, just because he was diagnosised didn’t mean there couldn’t have been something undiagnosed wrong with me. Anyhow, you are doing a great job just asking! Love your wife and she will come around. It’s not easy for us sometimes because of all the drugs that are flowing through our veins at the time that we get the BFN. It’s like PMS X 10.
:grouphug: Hugs to you both!
What a sweet and thoughtful guy you are. For me, it was one of those things I had to get out of my system with many good long cries. Knowing that my husband was upset too helped me to share the pain that I was feeling. Also knowing that it was not the end and that he was willing and happy to try again made all the difference. It is never easy but in the end when you do get that BFP it makes all of the emotional pain disappear. Good Luck. I pray that things work out for you both.
I’m sorry for your disappointment.
Don’t deny her feelings. Listen to her. Give her lots of hugs. Hold her. That’s what I would want.
You are so sweet! One thing I agree with others - show her you are sad. A woman goes through a lot with IVF and they want to know their husband appreciates all the hard work and is emotionally attached to the process. Show her your feelings. Talk about how your feel. Express sadness.
Also - I highly suggest therapy! My clinic offers it for free and it has been a God send for me!