I have been on my journey to baby #1 for technically over 6 years. I say technically because I knew before I married my DH that he had already had a vasectomy at an early age and that he wasn’t really interested in having any children. It took me over 10 years to finally convince him and now I am at a little over 1 year since officially trying for baby #1. I knew having endometriosis could potentially be an issue for conceiving, but have a very mild amount of growth and OB had reassured me that everything looked great for me on the baby front if/when I was able to try. DH and I went into our first fresh cycle very optimistic with the RE telling us we were textbook patients and that he was almost positive we’d conceive on the first try. I responded well to stims and retrieved TONS more eggs than the 8-10 that were anticipated. We were even more elated after finding that 17 of them had fertilized (even though it was half of what we had retrieved). I was quite bummed when we had only 2 high-quality and 1 low-quality embryo’s left to freeze after we transferred 2 day-3 embryo’s but didn’t figure I needed to worry about that, as they would just end up being siblings to the first transferred ones anyway.
I was shocked to get my BFN 2 weeks later and it didn’t really help to hear the RE say he was also shocked and had already chalked us up to a “for sure positive result.” I was devastated and took about 4 days before I wouldn’t erupt into sobs and any given moment throughout the day. I went through every stage of grief in a couple weeks time and was especially angry that we had paid so much money for absolutely nothing to show for it. I kept myself going based on the fact that we still had 3 embryo’s left and that was still plenty to complete our family. I was finally able to get over the devastation of the first failure when I began the process for an FET. I felt so much better going into this transfer and was VERY optimistic about this transfer being THE one. I had even almost convinced myself that it was going to be twins as I was THAT confident.
I knew after the first day after transfer it had worked. I know that is crazy–but I just knew. I felt EVERYTHING. I felt twinges, cramping, and tons of other things going on inside from the night of transfer. I was extremely excited! I got my first squinter BFP on a HPT at 5dp5dt and it just kept getting darker. Beta day came and it was a strong 110 for my HCG level. A few days later, though, all the feelings I had had since transfer day started disappearing and then nothing. By the time I got my 2nd beta a week later & the day after Mother’s Day–I was down to a 9 for HCG. I was again, devastated. Even more so than last time because this time–I had been given hope only to have it ripped away. I think it is fair to say that I was mentally lost for quite awhile. Sure, I went through the everyday monotony of getting up, going to work, doing daily things, but I was beyond devastated. It all came to a peak when about 2 weeks later I went through the physical pain and torture of passing the growth that was once my hopeful baby. I went through it as I was home, alone, and thought I was never going to make it through! I was actually amazed, though, at how calm I felt after it was finally over and how much closure it gave to the whole pregnancy.
Then came EXTREME pain within a month. I was unable to hardly get out of bed, threw up the little bit of food I was able to eat and was taking around 5 pain pills a day with little effect. The pain was blamed on a small fibroid I had known was in the top of my uterus, but had supposedly never had any issues with. Throughout the processes and pregnancy of the past few months, it had doubled in size and needed to be removed. This would push back transfer of my last, low-quality embie for at least 3 months but obviously needed to be done. The surgery was ROUGH! It took a good 8 weeks to feel mostly normal and the swelling in my belly didn’t go away for about 3 months. I still don’t have all feeling in the area around the incision which, I’ve been told, is similar to a c-section incision. I have also been told that I will have to deliver any future babies via c-section because of the surgery. It turned out that the “fibroid” they had to remove was actually a big mass of endometriosis in the lining of my uterus (adenomyosis) and it was most likely the culprit for the miscarriage and lack of implant in my IVF cycles. It was also the reason I had been having chronic pain for at least 2 weeks of every month since I was about 20 years old (almost 13 years!) and also pain during intercourse. I have now been pain free (as far as my endo pain) since the surgery.
I was eventually put on a 3-month regimen of depo-Lupron and told I could try for another transfer in December. Meanwhile, though, my relationship with dh was getting to a dangerous, negative level. I was able to finally talk him into going to couples therapy in September and have been going almost weekly since. I feel like it has made quite a bit of difference already, but we still have a long way to go especially since the most recent setback of our 3rd BFN. I don’t officially get the results of it being a BFN until the beta test tomorrow, but I have known since 6 days past transfer that it didn’t work. I have had absolutely no symptoms and continue to get stark white results on HPT’s. I am again devastated, but feel a bit more prepared going into the test and hearing the results. Even feeling this way, though, I have broken down a few times already, but keep picking myself up and carrying on.
Now that I have written a novel, and maybe no one has gotten this far in reading it…I have a question. How do people cope with the continual disappointment of BFN after BFN, especially when you have been told it was only supposed to be a male factor issue? Also–how do people afford to continue this journey when they want a baby so bad? I see so many people that have done multiple fresh and frozen cycles and wonder how they handle the financial aspect of it.
I have found myself so angry and depressed through this process, yet feel that I need to continue on quickly in order to get over past disappointments. I blame myself for all the failures and have really suffered when it comes to self-esteem through this whole process. I also don’t help the situation by taking out my frustrations out on my poor dh (which doesn’t help with him wanting to continue this journey). Any advice and/or helpful info on what to do at this point would really be appreciated.
Thank you for reading my LONG post and I hope that I am able to get some support as I go through all this. I know I am not alone in my journey and am really needing some help, advice & support. I need some positive thoughts…