How do you cope?


#1

Well, I knew this day would come. My younger brother and sister-in-law are giving my parents their first grandchild today. While I am happy and excited for my brother and SIL (and my parents since I have failed in that area), I have been in tears all morning. I have had months to prepare myself for this day, but I am a mess.

My siblings do not know about our struggles, and I still do not plan to tell them. I just don’t want to take anyone’s joy away or be the drama queen. I’m sure that I will have to go visit them in the hospital later today.

How do you put on a happy face and get through times like this? I’m going to have to take the suggestion from the other poster on keeping yourself from crying in public!


#2

Hopefully - Congratulations on being an Auntie!!

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I know exactly how you feel. DH and I have been TTC for 7 years, and in those 7 years, my brother and sister have [U]each[/U] produced 2 girls! So, I have been through this 4 times. UGH!! Thats a lot of tears. How did I get through it??? Great question, I don’t know. Because no one knows of our IF issues, I had to put on a strong face (and I did a lot of venting on this site, and my blog). And I kept myself busy whenever I was around them. The longer I sat just looking at the baby, the more my mind would start spinning with crazy IF thoughts…“Why not me?”, “I want a baby”…
For me, these things worked. I hope you find what helps you get through. Remember to take deep breaths. :grouphug:

And remember this is no ones fault. You are a stron woman! So smile, hug, and have happy tears for the new soul that was created. I am here for you!!


#3

Thanks, Libragirl!

I thought I was doing o.k. I already bought a gift for my new nephew weeks ago and I have already bought a mother’s day card to send to my SIL for her 1st mother’s day.

Then it just hit me this morning and I’m back to square one. I honestly don’t know how I am going to keep from crying if I go to the hospital to see them. At least I can just blame the tears on the happy occasion.


#4

Don’t worry about the tears. Call them Happy Tears! You will instantly fall in love with the new baby, and your heart will feel pulling of love and need. But know that you are not alone. Take it one moment at a time!

:grouphug:


#5

I feel for you. My bro and SIL had a baby the same time we would have been having our first. I had to pick my gma up and take her to the hospital, so I couldn’t really get around it. Then, to top it off, she had me stop at Target and shop around for something for the new baby (he was boy #2 and we didn’t have another shower for her b/c she already had everything from the first boy). It was killing me to be wandering around while my 80 year old grandmother couldn’t decide what to buy. Somehow, I made it through the day without losing it. I was excited to have another nephew, and it was fun to see the new big brother. But, it was still hard.

Last night I met my 1mo-old cousin for the first time. She delivered the same day as my last IUI. I’ll be honest, I was probably rude, and I wonder if anyone noticed. I didn’t run to meet them when they came in, didn’t even come in from the deck. I walked past them and paused to look at him on my way to eat while my younger cousin held him. I didn’t ask the new mom how things are going, and didn’t even ask to hold him. I pretty much acted like he wasn’t even there. This time, it was just too hard. And no one but my parents and bro and SIL know we’re having trouble. I’d like to say it gets easier, but every time someone I know announces they’re pregnant (had one this morning already on FB), it ticks me off and makes me jealous!

Just try your best today, but know that we all feel the same way you do. And you are justified in feeling that way. You’ll be so excited to be an aunt, maybe that will overcome the other feelings. I love being an aunt, but every now and then, when I look at the youngest I wonder, what if… :grouphug:


#6

I hate crying in public also. For one thing I never go to church on Mother’s day as the last time I did I was wiping away tears. I don’t think that and hope that no one noticed. That said there are going to be many tear jerking times that are expected but unavoidable and those that come when you don’t expect it. In my most emotional TTC times I tried to delay or plan my breakdowns for when I was alone at home alone, the shower is good place too. I would think every single negative thought and feel really sorry for myself, not hold back at all. I would cry until I had no tears left and my chest hurt from the pain. It really helped keep me keep my composure during other times. I went through the same amount of pain but it was more controlled, it did not sneak up on me as much. For the anger/jealousy part I had another technique, it was based on a scene from the movie Office Space. I imagined the perfect crib, the color and style I would buy if I could, I would imagine myself in a field destroying it with a base ball bat, I would project my anger at my body, society , insensitive comments, God etc. on to this crib, angry background music (like Rage Against the Machine) helped too, this was always very cleansing. Good luck, you have many TTC sisters out there who feel your pain.:pray: :pray:


#7

Thanks, ladies! I really appreciate the support that you all have given me today. I guess that I’ll just have to figure it out as I go. It’s good to know that I am not a bad person and that my feelings are normal.

I too do not go to church on Mother’s Day, the last time I did was about 6 years ago and all of the mother’s were called up to the alter. I was literally the only adult woman in the whole church still left sitting! After communion, an older woman came over to me and asked me to come to her house for lunch to meet her son!!! Nothing like drawing attention to yourself!

At least now, I have a wonderful husband of 2 1/2 years, of which I am very thankful. I won’t be going to church tomorrow either as I know I won’t make it through the service without crying after being around all of the young families.

I hate you, IF!!!


#8

As much as the church thing is going to kill me tomorrow, I am going to go. Right now I have to thank God as much as possible. I was convinced the HSG yesterday was going to be horrible news and when it was all clear, all I did was thank God. So I went to church last night and I feel like I should go tomorrow as well…especially since my DH agreed to go for the first time in I don’t know how long.

As far as Mother’s Day, I’m with you. You all just reminded me about Mother’s Day in church. Last year they made all the mothers stand up and gave them a round of applause. It wasn’t so bad then because our wedding was a few months away and I was convinced that this year, I’d get to proudly stand up with my beautiful infant. Yeah…not so much. So I will take my mom out to brunch and avoid church and (hopefully) babies as much as humanly possible that day. Mom’s lucky she’s getting that. I’d much rather curl up in bed and cry but she definitely deserves her day. I’ll curl up and cry when we get home.


#9

Well, I met and held my nephew for the 1st time. It was WAY easier than I thought it would be, he’s a beautiful baby. I had been really anxious over that moment for months and I am very happy to report that it was different than I had envisioned, much better than I had envisioned. I didn’t get choked up (except for a few happy tears) until one of the nurses asked us if we had children. When we told her “no” she responded first “if you stop by the nursery we will get you one” and then said “you don’t really want to be kept up at night anyway.” Unbelievable! You would think that a nurse working where she does would be a little more sensitive!!!


#10

I am so glad you had a positive experience meeting your nephew. I have found that it can be a little easier when the pregnancies of those in our lives become actual human beings (not that fetuses are not humans) but I was always more jealous of the experience of pregnancy than of the actual product of it because I felt could still become a parent through adoption. I am sorry the nurse caught you off guard like that but I am not surprised at all. The OB floor is like fertility world, the fact that you are not part of it probably never crossed her mind. I am a RN in the hospital and I stay away from that unit. I know it sounds dumb but I kinda feel like it’s the men’s bathroom or something, I don’t belong there at all. I got pulled to work on a unit on the same floor and had to go to OB’s supply room because that is where the dumbwaiter for equipment is for that floor and I felt like an alarm was going to go off, infertile woman!, possible baby stealer! Our hospital used to play Braham’s lullaby over the loudspeaker when a baby was born , I could handled that but everyone would stop and say " Aww is that nice? ", “Yeah”, NOT! People who haven’t had a personal experience with infertility never think it that “Do you have any children?” is an uncomfortable question, it is like “How about that weather we’re having today?” My patients ask me about kids all the time, fortunately when I simply answer no they usually change the subject.


#11

Thanks, Annetta. If I were a nurse, I would be avoiding that floor too. My RE’s office is in the same hospital as where my nephew was born. If I was more on the ball, I would have responded to the nurse’s inquiry with “No, I’m a patient of Dr. ----” Wonder how she would have responded then? Ha ha.

I can’t tell you how relieved I feel after meeting and holding my nephew for the first time.

Happy Easter all!