How involved was your partner in sperm donor selection?


#1

Good morning, goodness, i feel like i am posting everyday but it seems like every day i have new feelings and anxiety about this process. I can’t tell you how happy i am to have you ladies here for support.

I am projected to start stims on feb 18 and am now starting to look at donors. My boyfriend and i are doing this together and, i have to admit, the relationship is fragile right now. We have been together for over 13 years and since i am soon to be 41 and 1/2, at his suggestion, we have set our issues aside, and are moving forward with this.

We did ivf in spetember with the intention of doing pgd, because for some personal trait issues he did not wish to have any males. We ended up with no day 6 embryos. We now have one cycle left and plan on doing a fresh transfer with donor sperm.

At first i was comfortable with the donor sperm but now i am feeling doubts about it. I feel like there are so many decisions to make now and in the future. Obviously, this is my last chance no matter what happens in the relationship. He says he has accepted this as our only choice but keeps telling me that i am the one who has to pick the donor and he will give some input. Is this normal? I was going to select four choices and have him pick one of them. Some days i feel so confidnt about this but it seems like every day i break down in tears for a few minutes about this whole thing. I feel like he is not as involved as he should be in this process but at the same timehe has told me that he feels sad because he is “selecting” his replacement, as he put it.

I know some of you will say we need counseling and i agree. i have gotten some but he is unable to get some due to his work schedule and he refuses to postpone this any longer. I just feel like this is a mistake sometimes and i wont be able to undo it.

I would welcome any advice that you have.


#2

We did donor sperm for different reasons as you can see in my signature. My husband was involved to a point but I also narrowed the search down to 3 different choices and them we talked about them and made the final decision on which one to go with. He was very reluctant to just pick them on his own and never looked at the information on the internet. I printed out all the info and showed it to him and then we listened to the donor interview on line and made our choice. I can understand how your partner feels but for us once the choice was made we didnt look back. My DH is now very involved with the insemination process. Hang in there it is hard for some men to come to the relization that they can not father a child but he will. Sending lots of :pray: for peace with your decision.


#3

Thank you for your response to this one and my question in the previous thread! your input certainly puts me at ease. I was feeling very sad for him and for me and am just overwhelmed. But now, i have a bit more peace knowing that this is common.


#4

[quote=Mmflorida]… I just feel like this is a mistake sometimes and i wont be able to undo it.
…[/quote]

This is your first and foremost issue that needs attention. :grouphug: regardless of who is doing the choosing of the donor this will be your baby and YOU need to be ok with use of a donor before proceeding

But I know I can’t learn everything about you in one post so I’ll try to just answer your question…I would said it IS normal for a man to try and stay detached from the process of choosing a donor. My DH wanted nothing to do with the whole process. Didn’t want a donor, then didn’t want to have a kid ever know they came from a donor, then changed his mind again. And did a little back and forth on the whole thing. But what we were able to do was put together a timeline of photos of DH and send them to the bank. We actually trusted the bank to choose our donor for us. Becuase to us, the most important part be that the donor closely resemble DH. So they came back to us with two profiles, both written, no pictures, audio or anything like that. We did the final choosing together. And honestly I think it came down to height. My DH is pretty tall and one donor was tall one was short, so we went with the tall one trusting that both “look like” DH. But it was a long time before we made it to this point, like a year.

So only IMO, for you, it is you that needs to be ok with the donor. You and your BF aren’t doing that great and you don’t have a year to wait for him to come around. Are you prepared to do this all alone too? Should it come to that.

Good luck!!


#5

So glad I could help this is a emotional process for everyone. In then end why yall are holding your baby all of this will be a distant memory. (At least that is what I have read over and over)
Also there is a GREAT book called " Helping the Stork" that is specificly written for donor sperm issues it was very helpful with dealing with all the mixed emotions !!


#6

Thank you both!! I have read these messages twice and i get more clarity every time.!!

Nic&bradley - thanks for the book recommendation, i will be sure to order it.

Stm2009- i agree with you. I guess i am having some reservations about using a donor but i think my fear is mostly about his feelings and not mine. I feel like him placing the selection on my shoulders will alienate him in the future. But at the same time i know that he is dealing with some sadness because it will not be his biological child.

In the end, if things do not work out, i am prepared to move forward without him and be happy. I know thst if i let this oppty pass, i will forever regret it.

Im going to choose my donors and then he and i will discuss them together. Thanks again for the advice and encouragement.


#7

Every man is different so I don’t think there is a “normal” way for a man to respond to selecting a sperm donor. My DH was a bit different than most, I think. He researched donors while he was home recovering from his mTESE surgery. He felt it helped him heal emotionally and that if he couldn’t contribute genetically, this was a way he could contribute to the conception process. I also expressed to him that it felt strange for me to do research on donors by myself…it felt very lonely and like it was my project, not our project. He narrowed it down to two donors and we made our selection together, mostly based on height, one had a build similar to DH, one did not. We get many comments on how much our son resembles DH, so we must have picked right.

It’s completely natural for there to be sadness for both of you that there will not be a genetic connection between father and child, but genetics aren’t what make a “Daddy,” I promise. I hope you both come to a sort of peace about this decision. It’s definitely one of the hardest decisions we made and we fought about it and cried about it along the way. Initially, we wanted nothing to do with donor sperm, but truly we have zero regrets…obviously, since we went through it all again to TTC baby #2.

Best of luck to you!!


#8

Thank you kris79 for your response. I am glad everyone’s experiences sound similar to mine.

I started looking at donors today using xytex and fairfax and, as much hesitation as i had, i have to say it was not as bad as i thought.

This may sound awful but…was anyone else surprised at how young these donors Look?? Oh my goodness, i felt like they needed to grow up a little more - they look like boys! I have to say though that it made me more comfortable than choosing from grown adult men. I was happy to find several that looked like my partner back when we met 15 years ago. I think that will bring him some happiness out of this process. :slight_smile:


#9

[QUOTE=Mmflorida]Thank you kris79 for your response. I am glad everyone’s experiences sound similar to mine.

I started looking at donors today using xytex and fairfax and, as much hesitation as i had, i have to say it was not as bad as i thought.

This may sound awful but…was anyone else surprised at how young these donors Look?? Oh my goodness, i felt like they needed to grow up a little more - they look like boys! I have to say though that it made me more comfortable than choosing from grown adult men. I was happy to find several that looked like my partner back when we met 15 years ago. I think that will bring him some happiness out of this process. :)[/QUOTE]

We used Xytex as well, and had a great experience with them. As for how we chose, I started looking before DH. About a week later, he looked as well. We both picked out our top 5-10 (interestingly enough, DH was far less picky than me), and probably 8 of them were mutual. Ultimately, we selected a donor who didn’t choose to show adult photos. As a child, he favored DH and has many of DH’s physical characteristics. In the NICU, we are constantly told that both of our babies “look just like Dad.”

Using donors is a hard decision to make for sure, but once the decision is made…I think 95% of us never look back! Best wishes to you in your cycle!