I don't know where else to turn


#1

This is my first time posting. I signed up a while ago and had been browsing various boards for months but thought that I could get through this without counseling or online support as I had a strong support network. In the space of a few hours my whole support network has abandoned me. We have been getting fertility help for about a year now, a long year. We were referred by our GP to the fertility clinic back in January. In March we had our first appointment with the consultant and found out that my husband did not have very good sperm. Sorry I don’t know all the technical terms etc. He then took Tamoxifen for 3 months and when he was retested in June, they said that they could do IVF using ICSI but because we are getting free treatment on the NHS he had to lose 20lbs before they would do it. Then it all got much worse. As much as I had tried to keep the treatment a secret, so that we could have the big reveal that we were pregnant, my younger brother announces that he and his morbidly obese wife of 6 months were expecting. Major blow. It has taken me months to be able to accept this and begin to get past it and focus back on ourselves. We are due to start injections etc on 6th November. This morning I find out that my cousin is expecting, and had announced at her wedding yesterday. We have been trying for longer than she has known her husband! To top off a perfect day, my mum tells me that my older brother and his wife are expecting their second child.

Now my husband and I are arguing, as strong as we have been through all of this, he has had enough. My mum and dad have had enough and no matter what i say i cant say the right thing. I don’t know how they expect me to be? I don’t know what I am supposed to say. And I am worried that all of this stress and negative energy will result in the IVF not working…


#2

Wow, I am so sorry you have had to go through all this. I know how it feels to have close family get pregnant time and time again when you are trying so hard to also get pregnant. Over the years I have had to let go of the hope that my family would be able to support me they way I need them too. It is really unfair of me to ask them to understand when simply put, you can’t understand if you have not also gone through this your self. On the other hand it is not to much to ask to have them understand and except that when it comes to people expanding their family, we sometimes will not be able to put on a happy face about it. One day it will happen for you. Just keep in mind that sometimes our husbands also need to take a break. About every six months we take a cycle off so we can enjoy each other without the stress of conceiving. Then we are able to jump back in with both feet and some renewed hope. Good luck and please lean on the ladies in here, they are all so incredibly supportive.


#3

I completely understand what you are going through. It is hard enough to share this level of heartbreak to begin with, but when your support system begins to crumble it can be unbearable. I too found that this site was literally all I could turn to and my only solace. The important thing is to keep talking and get it out. If you can’t confide in your friends and family anymore then post here, or on multiple sites, or see if your local community center/church has a support group you can attend. Sometimes friends and family can be very un-supportive (none of my family even knows my diagnosis because I can’t handle the sarcasm and jokes). In this modern day we can choose who we want to include in our family. So choose to get closer to the friends, cousins, neighbors etc. that you feel comfortable with.


#4

Since my husband and I made a responsible choice to stop using birth control, having been married 8 years and together 10, my older brother and younger sister have both gotten (do I need to say not to each other?) married bc someone got knocked up. This is when I realized my family legacy, I am the only one who got married without being knocked up or knocking up someone else.
My brother tried to steal the anniversary of my wedding day (new wife needed insurance, now they are 1 day after, so every year I will be reminded) and my barely 20yr old sister is prego w/ her 2nd (found out just last week) even tho her barely 20yr shotgun wedding husband barely has a job. And of course I started my period within days of hearing my sister’s “good” news and family is in town celebrating my brother’s wedding for the 2nd time. When was my time to be sad another month bites the dust? After tomorrow when I get my days back.
I understand support networks failing. I have one friend that I have known since I was 5 who I feel okay being vulnerable (honest) with. My other best friend, after cancelling numerous plans last year finally told me what I knew, she was prego bc of lax birth control. When she miscarried a week later she was relieved. Lucky me got to be all kinds of conflicted over that and I am waiting for another unplanned announcement from her (her almost 6yr old was unplanned and she stayed with her husband bc of the pregnancy). But, all of that has nothing to do with me. And none of them has anything to do with you. Think positive loving thoughts, always. For you and for them. Even when your own mother who knows your heartache keeps trying to force your brother’s almost 2month old on you, smile and concentrate on you bc you are the only one who is.
Good luck!