I feel empty

#1

I can’t even begin to imagine what some of you women have gone through with your miscarriages…I recently found out I was pregnant and within a week it was gone. I’m absolutely devastated and I cannot deal with it and I can’t even imagine if I was pregnant longer.

I thought it was my miracle, I was awaiting for AF to start my first IVF cycle and I got pregnant on my own after being with my DH for 13 years and actually trying for almost 6…a couple weeks before Christmas. It was fate, it was going to be the best Christmas ever and I was going to share my news on Christmas Day with my family!

I went in for my first beta and it was only 29 but I thought maybe late implantation…then 2 days later my numbers went down and then next day AF showed herself and it was over just that quick. I don’t know what do next or how to feel. I can’t stop crying everyday. I had a chemical before but my numbers never went above 8 and I never received a positive HPT so I really never considered myself pregnant.

My DH says “just enjoy the holiday and be sad in January, I got you some great gifts”. He just doesn’t understand that what I want more then anything will not be under that tree.

How do I cope and get over this? What if I get pregnant again and I continue to experience early miscarriages! What if I never will be a mom!

Sorry to vent…just needed to share my feelings with someone that understands!

#2

Aww you hun you really sound alot like me! I have been feeling crappy all week. I just keep getting into fights with my hubby which never happens. I really am bieng such a b word this week. I knew the holidays would be hard but it is like in public i am fine but with my hubby i am just crying and not bieng nice to him. I also feel like I will never be a mom. I am glad i took off these months for the holidays but now i am like what if i would have tried in nov would i be pregnant right now along with my sister in law and we would have babies the same year. I hate this so much!

#3

I am so sorry for your loss. I just had a loss at 10w5d (baby was at 8w5d) and am mostly recovered from a D&C.

Prior to that I had two chemicals- one after an IUI and one after an FET. I think the pain I felt after those was not so different than the pain of this most recent loss, even though I saw the heartbeat twice and everything was “going great”… the grief reaction all three times was pretty much the same. It was a potential baby, and then it was gone.

A loss is a loss and it takes time to heal. Only you can determine when you are ready to move forward. I think whatever you can do that brings some relief is fine. I picked three things I wasn’t allowed to do while pregnant and did them all at the same time- sat in a very hot bath for an hour and a half drinking red wine and eating sushi. That made me feel better for the rest of that evening, then I woke up crying the next morning anyway. I wonder how long will I feel so hollow?

My “what ifs” are more about what I didn’t do over the past 5 years of TTC- I think I am driving myself nuts with this since there is nothing I can change…but it is totally normal to question everything, that is what IF makes you do every day.

Try to prepare yourself for the “just try again” that you’re going to hear, maybe even from your RE. Mine said that after the chemical from the FET. He was not at all sympathetic to that this was a loss at all. Trying again is not so easy when all you have experienced is failure. I insisted on more testing which found MTHFR. It didn’t make a difference for me in the eventual outcome, but I sure wish I had known that before even attempting the IVF.

Do you have a supportive person you can talk to? Grief is hard to go through alone.

I truly wish the best for you. Be very kind to yourself.

#4

Thank u so much for the replies!

#5

I will be thinking about you. I m/c on November 21st, and had a D/C on the 29th. It was an awful experience that I hope to never have to go through again. I am doing better this week but only because I have been practicing changing my thoughts to “can’t wait to try again” instead of “I can’t believe what happened.” (lol, I am a therapist and I teach cognitive coping skills so I decided to take my own advice). So now I count down the days until my next doc appointment, then I will count down the days until I get to start meds :slight_smile: It is much easier this way. Although, I know the hurt never goes away. You, your DH and baby will be in my thoughts and prayers. Merry Christmas!! (also, it is kind of amazing during the holidays that we talk about angels, and now we have our own little angels that we sent to heaven and they are watching over us).

#6

Thank you for the positive thoughts!

#7

[quote=Prayin4MyMiracle]
He just doesn’t understand that what I want more then anything will not be under that tree.[/quote]

I know exactly how you feel. I’m so sorry for your loss. We had a chemical in November and I had played it over in my head a million times how we would share our news on Christmas.

This Christmas was really hard. It was hard not to be selfish and just feel sorry for myself, but I tried to focus on being grateful for what I have instead.

I’m sorry you’re hurting. If you got pregnant on your own once, then it can happen again. I hope you get your miracle in 2012. Tkae care <3

#8

Thank you all again! I’m glad I have support from such great women and I’m sorry for all the loss and struggles we are all going through! I’m feeling a little better as Christmas has past and I’m ready to move on and hopefully some day my miracle will come. I’m thinking of trying naturally for a few months before going through any fertility treatments. like you said it happened once, maybe it will again! I’m just so scared to pay for IVF if chemicals continue to happen. Good luck to all of you and happy new year! :babydust: