I give up.. (a long vent)


#1

Hi ladies… I am SO done… With everything… 9 and 1/2 years of my life and about $40,000 wasted. You know, I started this cycle in April. 4 days after I started my shots, my best friend was fired from work, leaving me the stress of doing all of her stuff plus my own. Then, I do the extremely painful procedure, I was showing 15 follies on the screen. Excited that I finally had a good number of eggs, I went in hopeful. Well, all the mature follies were totally empty. EMPTY. So, they ended up retrieving 16 immature eggs, and tried to mature them outside of my body. Then I ended up with OHSS, and could not fit into my clothes or breathe properly and was in quite an amount of pain following it. Then, he says that because they were immature, that whatever they did get to mature, fertilize and grow would have to be frozen and transferred at a later date because of the extra time needed to mature them. OK, so no mention of the cost associated with that. I have never had any eggs to freeze, so I had no idea, the subject has never come up. After about 6 days, I get a phone call saying that only 1 was still alive. 1… Then he lies to get my hopes up telling me it was a blastocyst. I got excited because I have never had any make it past morula stage before, but I was totally devastated to only have 1 out of 16. So, I finally get my period and we are able to try the FET. I get started on the meds, then we get a phone call saying that my husband’s Mother is in the hospital again (she was battling cancer and this was not the first time we had been called home for fear that she was dying) so my husband ended up spending a week an a half at home with no pay. I left that weekend, and I just cried all the way home. The lack of money coming in from my husband’s work, the fact that that may have been the last time I would see his Mom, plus I didn’t want to leave him to have to deal with this alone since I already lost my Dad 7 years ago, not to mention the weight of the significance of this cycle, and just everything. I get home, and there is a bill from the fertility place, wanting $900 for the embryo freezing! I just melted into a big pile of crap. This is on top of the fact that both vehicles decided to crap out at the same time, $3000 in repairs… So then, I am still taking the estrogen, and 2 weeks ago, they asked me to come in for my first ultrasound to check the lining. So I did, not ready yet. They ask me to come back Friday, 2 days later. I do, and they tell me that the lining is good to go. Start on the PIO’s, and they told me they would be transferring in another 5 days, so last Wednesday. My hubby and I were on vacation last week, so it would work out ok… We went back home to visit his Mom in the hospital and decided we would stay from Saturday until Tuesday of last week and then come home for the transfer on Wednesday. Well, his Mom started to get worse on Sunday, she went from talking to not talking at all. No response on Sunday or Monday. Doctors saying it would probably be another week before she passed. Then we get a text from hubby’s brother on Tuesday morning who then tells us that she is getting way worse and now the doctor is saying it could be “today” meaning Tuesday. So hubby and I go to the hospital, and we are deeply concerned about his Mom, while at the same time, worried about the transfer because by that point, they had already started to thaw the embryo. Unfortunately, she passed last Tuesday at 11am. What a horrible day… We had to immediately go and try to plan her funeral, because we were leaving that night to go home and do the transfer the next morning. Next morning, we get to the transfer, and I even tried to do accupunture to try and help things… So I get into the room, and they tell me that they are transferring one cavitating morula… “A MORULA??” I said… “I thought I had a blastocyst???” and apparently that is all I had… Dr. lied to me. So, I am frustrated, but still tried to think of the best… Because my MIL passed away the day before at 11am, and we had the transfer the next morning, and swear, my husband asked if it was the right time on the machine, and they said “yep”… We did the transfer at 11am. I couldn’t believe how ironic that was… It was a sad day but I was elated at how the pieces seem to fit together… I mean I think that his Mom didn’t want us to have to choose between the two situations we were dealing with which is why she passed on the Tuesday so we no longer had to make that choice, and then to have the transfer at the exact time that she passed the day prior? Too coincidental… We just had her funeral this past Saturday, and I started testing Monday, which was 5dp the FET. Negative… 6 and 7 dp, still negative. My bloods are on Sunday, but I just know this is not good. Previously, they have shown up by now. I am starting to wonder now (and this is an awful thought) but what happens if they put this embryo back inside knowing full well that it was not alive? I know it’s an awful thought but you never know what they are capable of because they don’t want to have to return your money… This just makes no sense to me… Why can I not have anything go my way?? EVER? My Mom said that she has never seen any body with worse luck then me and my husband have. Why do I put myself through this constant he!! for nothing? All this money for nothing. All this debt, for nothing. All of this heartache, for nothing. I am so beyond done. Sorry for the vent, and thanks to those who even read this far, but you guys are the only ones that know this pain and understand my feelings… After 9.5 years of infertility, you just know when it’s not going to work. I was hoping that the loss of a life, would be the creation of another, but that is looking highly unlikely. I mean 7 days past a transfer of a morula should be more than enough time to show up on an HPT… ARGGGGG!


#2

Awww, Carrie- I hate this for you! I can hear the pain in your words and I’ve been following your posts and pulling for you for awhile. You know its not over until the b/w says so and I’ll pray for you tonight. I had an IVM disaster that turned into a miracle thanks to a caring RE and and a donor embie. I don’t have words to uplift you or make it hurt less but I do believe that where theres a will, theres a way. For us it was 12 ivf attempts, too much heartbreak and loads of debt, but i’d do it again. I know how strong you are and how hard you’ve been trying, I hope you get your long awaited BFP honey. Whatever that way is for you I hope you find it. - xoxo


#3

So sorry… I have no clue why things are so hard for some women (generally lots of people on this site!). For you, nearly a decade of trying, hoping, praying, spending… it beyond takes it’s toll.

p.s.- Your doctor sucks to have falsely given you information.


#4

I am so sorry - your story is heartbreaking. My current situation took me 10 years, and I know how much emotional, physical, and financial strain infertility can cause.

I think that there is still some hope, but if this cycle is truly negative for you, then I hope that you can do some soul-searching together and find a path that will lead you to parenthood. You can and will find a way forward that is right for your family. And when you do, these years and the pain won’t be washed away, but somehow they will make more sense. I can’t imagine life without my adopted daughter now; she just lights up our days.

Be good to yourself and each other in this difficult time; a lot of us out here are pulling for you. You don’t have bad luck, just a really crappy case of infertility that wasn’t easily overcome. It’s not your fault. Big hugs :grouphug:


#5

One door closes, another opens. Don’t lose hope and faith.there are many women here who spent almost 20 years of ttc and now they are the mothers.


#6

I’m so sorry for all that you have been through. We had a rough journey for number one too. That one little embie sounds like a fighter though - don’t give up yet.

Also, keep in mind that the embryo may have been an early blastocyst when frozen, and when thawed embryos lose some cells - and they also compact and expand over and over. It is entirely possible that your doctor did not lie to you. :cross:


#7

My heart goes out to you. I feel emotionally drained after 5 years and you have been there 9 years. Can’t even imagine. All I can say is we will pray that this cycle will be a miracle for you from your MIL. :grouphug:


#8

You ladies are so beyond sweet… Thank you all for letting me vent, validating my feelings about this, and just being supportive… I am so grateful for all of you! This just sucks… I am still negative this morning… 8dp the FET… I am so beyond crushed. We don’t have any more money for this process and I don’t want to spend any more on a big longshot. And now because of this, we don’t even have money to adopt or try DE… My dream looks to be over… I just don’t have any other options left… Crazy… I can not imagine my life without children, there is a big empty hole… My husband and I work off shifts, me days and he afternoons… Is this it for me? My life is to spend 5 days a week alone? Today is my first day back to work in a week and a half, and my friend gave me a hug and gave me the condolences for my loss, and I just started bawling. Everything is mounting…


#9

My heart and prayers go out to you. I read your post and felt the pain in your words. When life beats me up and steps on me, I cling to the belief that there is a big blessing waiting for me on the other side of all of these trials and tribualtions. I am praying for a big blessing for you. I am going to keep checking for your name on this forum to get the news of a big blessing. Maybe not now but one day. Have you considered foster care adoption? That is definitely more cost effective and there are lots of wonderful kids that need people to love them like you.


#10

:pray: for you and your family with everything that you are going through. Just know God puts us through the worse so when the best comes we can appreciate it.


#11

Thanks so much… Loving you all… :slight_smile: Unfortunately, that is the “free” way to adopt here, but you are only allowed to register in the town you live in, and our city is not even accepting any names on the list even… :frowning: because there is a waiting list a mile long…


#12

I’m so sorry for all of your pain. It took us 12 long heartbreaking years and too much money to count to get our daughter - but I would do it all again in a second.

I know financially right now it seems out of your reach, but you’re still young (maybe not compared to a 20 year old, but you’re 6 years younger than I was when I finally got pregnant) - your finances may change greatly. There are also numerous studies out there, some of which include discounted meds or procedures – but some include free cycles. There is at least one that is currently recruiting in parts of the country. EDIT: I just read your signature, your lab rat-ness might preclude you from some of the studies, I’m not sure about that.

Also, I don’t know if you’ve considered embryo donation - as opposed to donor egg, it’s pretty cheap. I have heard the waiting list can be a bit long depending on how picky you are, but average cost seems to be only slightly more than a regular frozen transfer. I had only just started to gather information, so I don’t know very much about it - but there are threads about it.


#13

I second everything that Essemkay and others said - don’t give up! We saved for our daughter’s adoption for a few years; I have friends who have had all sorts of fundraisers to support their adoptions. And like she said, donor embryos as opposed to embryo adoption are relatively inexpensive. Do you have any kind of an adoption tax credit in Canada? What about employer contributions? We didn’t have one at my place of work, but my friend and I advocated and now we do.

I was paralyzed by the cost for a period of time; you need some time to grieve and heal and to let your brain rest and open up to new possibilities. I had all sorts of people looking for private adoption situations and/or donor embryos for us - I felt pretty desperate, sent some odd emails in the middle of the night. Don’t underestimate your abilities and resources, when you reach out for help, sometimes the world answers back! More big hugs, you will find a way!


#14

Morning all… Thank you all so much for your suggestions and words of advice… I have broken down for the second day in a row. I just can’t stop crying. I don’t know what to do anymore. Hubby gave me the progesterone shot this morning and drew up blood so he had to change the site, and I just broke down. That mixed with yet another blank stick staring at me in the face, I am so beyond frustrated. I just can’t help but to feel like an absolute failure as a woman and a wife. My husband just lost his Mother, and I wanted so much to turn this into a happiness and know that Kathy is coming back, in the form of our child. Or maybe my Dad. Maybe our child will look like Kathy, or my Dad, or like either one of us. I am so angry that I can not give that to him or myself, and I never will be able to. Hard to come to terms with that, I don’t think I ever will… I can not do what I am supposed to do, thanks to some genetic dysfunction. Thanks to all, and I wish you nothing but the best. I see some of you are pregnant right now, and I wish you nothing but happiness. Kiss those babies every night and know how lucky and blessed you are to have realized your dream. For those who are still in the process, my heart goes out to all of you and I wish you all happiness and success. But my dream of having my own child, is dead. And I must learn to live the rest of my life childless… Without that little piece of me or my husband. Unless I win the lottery, that is the way it has to be. Love and hugs to you all… xoxoxo


#15

I am so sorry… dont lose hope… I am praying that you get a positive this time… and also win a lottery


#16

Oh my gosh I am so sorry that this has happened to you hun! I cant believe they lied to you about the blastocyst. I would be so mad. You have gone through so much. If anyone deserves a baby it is you! :grouphug:


#17

I am so so sorry it’s happening to you. I’m in my 8th medicated cycle (IUI and IVF) with no success yet, so I know exactly how you’re feeling, hon.
Just wanted to let you know that I POAS-ed 8dp5dt (and I had blasts, not morula transferred) and it came crystal white BFN. I went in for beta yesterday (11dp5dt) and my beta is 69. No success story to tell, there is a very high chance I will end with a chemical again, but I just wanted to tell you that BFN does not necessarily mean it’s BFN.


#18

My heart is completely breaking for you. I cannot stop crying reading your story. I remember you from years ago when I was more active on the forums. Whenever I recognize a name from the past I like to check in on them. I am so saddened by your frustrations and hopelessness. I honestly wish there was something I could do or say that would make you feel better. Your pain is so raw that I felt it in my core.

I pray for your strength and peace in your life.


#19

You are all sweet to me and I thank you all… I am officially negative thanks to the blood work which confirmed what I already knew… Thanks to all and I wish you nothing but health and happiness… Xoxoxo


#20

[QUOTE=goldenhicks]You are all sweet to me and I thank you all… I am officially negative thanks to the blood work which confirmed what I already knew… Thanks to all and I wish you nothing but health and happiness… Xoxoxo[/QUOTE]
I am so sorry for all you have been thru. I hope you can build your family soon. Dont give up.