If only my parents/friends/etc knew


#21

[quote=crystal777]I feel so bummed out… I just want to get in the shower and cry… so that my husband won’t know how much I suffer inside…

Anyway… so I think I will just go and cry now. . . . :([/quote]

:grouphug: Sometimes crying is the best medicine. I had a huge sob fest in January, before we even started the IUI cycle. I couldn’t stop crying and my DH couldn’t understand why. But, I haven’t shed a tear since then. I’ve been close, when my loving mother brings up my cousin (who delivered Monday), but even with the BFN’s, I haven’t given up hope yet. Give me about 10 days, we’ll see what happens then!


#22

If only my STUDENTS knew…

…maybe they wouldn’t have waited until the day of the test to try to learn the material that is actually on the test. You’re in college for Pete’s sake!! Take some initiative!! I could totally “rip you a new one” and then say, “Sorry, it’s the hormones”, and probably get away with it!


#23

i’ve got your back if it comes down to that!!! :flower: lol!


#24

Thanks, longhorn!! :wink:

If only my friends knew…that what I “blogged” about on myspace 4 years ago has actually come true…

We’d been married a year and a few months, and I was helping to throw a bridal shower for a friend. It just so happened, that it was the start of the school year, so I’d just reintroduced my body to all of those “school germs”, and I felt the start of a sinus infection coming on. The day before/morning of, I had called my mom, who lived closer, and asked her to go up early and help set up. I was exhausted with all of the start of school rigmarole, had to stop for the balloons, was starting to feel under the weather, and had to drive an hour to get there, so I thought asking for some help was understandable… That is the opposite of what my friend’s soon to be in-laws thought. They all automatically assumed that since I was newly married, and not feeling well, that I must’ve been pregnant. I didn’t find this out until a few weeks later, and when I did I was so aggravated, I actually ended up putting a post on myspace about how you should never just assume a woman is pregnant because she doesn’t feel well. She might be trying with no luck, or maybe she’s lost a baby you’re unaware of. I knew what pain my mom had gone through, and my cousin was struggling at that time, too. I wish I had saved it.

Here I am, 4 and a half years later, and I was unknowingly talking about myself. I lost a baby no one knew about, I’m trying unsuccessfully and very few people know (thank goodness only one person jokingly asked at the wedding we were at Friday, because he’s recently married and gets the normal question post marriage), … I look at my signature on here, and all I can think is, “Wow. this is so not how I pictured my life 5 years ago. I’m becoming (along with all of us suffering) a walking infertility story…and hopefully someday an inspiration to others going through the same thing.”

Not really venting today, just feeling a little down.


#25

Reply

To Onlyneed1:

Hang in there, its a tough road to go through. I never thought id be going through it either. Im glad to know that you’ve told at least a few people about whats going on. That gives you someone to talk too regarding your situation. I like talking to my mom… she knows what I’m going through, she had 1 miscarriage. I’ve had 2.

My 1st pregnancy, I told everyone about the next day that I found out. Big Mistake. I miscarried months later, and well it was just painful having to tell everyone what happened.

My 2nd pregnancy, I didn’t tell a soul except my husband. We were praying and hoping the baby would stick… but noo… blighted ovum. It wasn’t until the day of my induced miscarriage that we told his mom… she told his dad… and well I told my parents when they came to visit. Those are the only ones that know.

If ONly people knew… that whenever they ask me when I’m gonna try again… that I just feel like telling them… really? you really want to know what I think?? If only it were as easy for me to have a baby… its not as easy as you think it is!!! I am not ready for the stress in the first few weeks of pregnancy… I just can’t do it yet!!! cus if it happens again… thats it… I’ll break down and i’ll hit rock bottom like my first pregnancy. I was in a horrible place. so Just don’t ask.


#26

It ain’t easy bein’ green

I’d like to scream right now, feeling really, really frustrated, when I shouldn’t. I had an HSG Thursday, and it was perfect, so that’s good news. But, I’m still spotting, which is incredibly frustrating. I’ve already had AF, why do I need to do it again! We’re ttc naturally this month due to the hsg, but the spotting is, well, a bit of a turn off. Ugh!

Add to that, that we’re supposed to get together with my family on Good Friday. That’s a normal occurrence, but why did the invite have to include, “so we can meet Ben.”? Really? And this is from another aunt/cousin, not even the new grandma/mom. Urrggh!!!

So, as the Great Kermit the Frog once said, “It ain’t easy bein’ green.” My cousin/the new mom just keeps whining on facebook. I’d like to tell her to stuff it. “So what if he didn’t sleep through the night, and you had to get up for that 1am feeding? Be glad he’s happy and healthy and it only took you one try. You wanted a baby so badly, stop *** about the fact that it’s tiring being new mom!”

I’m to the point of just being blatantly honest with my extended family, as I’m pretty sure they’ll ask on Friday, “when are you going to have kids?” My mom can be a blabber mouth, so I’m not sure who she’s told we’re trying, so I’m expecting to at least be asked once. I’d like to say, “when I win the lottery and can afford the treatments without selling all of my possessions.” Or, “How 'bout I pretend you didn’t just ask me that, and save the awkwardness that will follow my honest answer?” Or, “mind your own darn business.” “Got 20 grand?..I didn’t think so.” “Well, after 8 months, 4 medicated cycles, numerous bbt’s/opk’s/hpt’s, 6 ultrasounds, 5 samples from the DH, bloodwork from both, 2 IUIs, 7BFN’s, an HSG, and about 5grand, we’ll let you know when it happens for us!”

Now, I love my family. I do. And they probably won’t ask at all. But, I hate the fact that now that there is yet another new baby, that isn’t mine, that’s what the evening will be about. Along with Christmas, which is when, if IUI2 had worked, I could have been having a baby. Instead, I’m sitting here thinking about how 8 months ago I’d planned to be pregnant at this time, and rather than sitting here moping around, I’d be freaking out that DH hadn’t finished a blasted project he needed to before the baby came!

I HATE IF!!! Now I feel [I]a little [/I]better. What would you say if you could without feeling like a b****?


#27

[quote=OnlyNeed1]What would you say if you could without feeling like a b****?[/quote] what i normally say is we are waiting until God provides us with the blessing. translation into what i’d really like to say is, duhhhh ya think i’m just sitting around waiting to get pregnant? hello, why dont’ you try your hand at IF and then ask me the question. maybe you would think twice about it then…

i’m sorry your having a bad day. hopefully it will get better! good luck on friday as well. my test will be Easter with the step-nephews and their egg hunt. everyone was like aren’t you going to come over and see them hunt for eggs? is it wrong of me that i just don’t want to share in that joy right now? oh, the mean tricks IF plays!!!


#28

It is NOT wrong of you to protect yourself from a painful experience. My DH and I are actually not going to either of our families gatherings this Easter because we just didn’t want to watch the egg hunt yet AGAIN without having a child to partake.

DH had to remind me that it’s ok to feel like you need a break from the kid centered family activities. It’s not like you are hunting for eggs. You should not feel bad about it. One day our angels will come and we can share the egg hunting joy with our kids.

:bsv:


#29

I’m angry about so much I don’t know where to begin but right now I’ll start with Easter.

We’re hosting this year and while thankfully it’s not a big gathering, it will still be an irritating one. My entire family, with the exception of my mom, is up in NY so thankfully I don’t have to deal with their brood of children. However, we’re having my in laws, my sister in law and her “baby daddy”, their two year old daughter and my stepson, whose mother is all too happy to give him to us for the day. I guess that’s nice of her but in my current situation, I’d be fine with her keeping him. So now I get to have the pleasure of going to church and seeing all the children in their Easter clothes, then I get to have two children in my house to have an egg hunt with and give baskets to, all while wishing one of them were mine. Then I get to listen to my sister in law tell me OVER AND OVER AND OVER to hurry up and get pregnant because she has “a ton of **** to give me”. Yeah thanks, WORKING ON IT. My in laws have no idea what’s happening…at least I don’t think they do. I haven’t said anything but again, I don’t see them as much as my DH does so he might have told them. They’re very old school Italian, like literally off the boat and they’re the kind of people who probably think there’s “some-a-thing broken” if you can’t have a baby. I don’t have the time nor the inclination to explain infertility to them, let alone to get them to be understanding and compassionate.

My other major issue is work. I work in an elementary school so if you’re ever trying NOT to think about children and distract yourself, well that can’t happen. Friday the first graders put on a little show that I took my students to and it was just so sweet and adorable that I immediately began getting emotional. Then when I saw the dozens of parents gathered in the back with their cameras and camcorders gushing over their children, I literally had to ask someone to watch my class while I ran out crying. This is a new daily event at work. I pretend I need to use the ladies room so I can have five minutes of time to cry and take deep breaths to be able to finish the day.

This all just seems to be getting worse and I told my husband today that I no longer feel like I can handle this alone. I realize now that I’m going to need professional help to get through this. ALLLLLLLL I do is cry. Every morning when my alarm goes off and I get in the shower, it’s like the reality of my life (or lack of one) sets in, I’m reminded of who and what I am and I just start sobbing uncontrollably. I don’t know what to do or how to find the strength to go through this. So many of you have gone through so much more than I have (so far) and I don’t know how you do it. I’m not a religious person at all but tomorrow I’m attending a communal reconciliation at my parish because I’m hoping that maybe if I beg God for forgiveness for whatever I did to piss him off, things might get better. I just feel like I’m grasping at straws and I have no one at all to talk to who truly gets what I’m feeling. I’m at a loss of what to do to be able to go on with my normal life.


#30

You kind of make your family sound like the Barrones on Everybody Loves Raymond! I’ve been able to control my tears, somehow, though I’m not sure how much longer I can. I have two young male college students that either just had a baby or are having one soon with their “baby mama”. They don’t talk about it hardly at all, and though I care, I don’t ask. I had a girl last semester that found out she was pregnant and used it as an excuse to not come to class. I’dda liked to slap her!

I was raised in church, and went to a Christian University, but we don’t regularly attend. I feel ya on the begging for forgiveness for whatever it was I did to make God mad. I’ve got faith that He does have a plan, but I’m running out of patience. Two years ago my head administrator put me on a “Professional Improvement Plan”, then gave me no feedback for 6 weeks-never even stepped in my classroom-then said I could resign or be non-renewed. Last year I subbed, this year I’m a visiting instructor, thus, basically jobless for next school year at this point, since jobs are so tight. The patience is wearing very thin right now. Not only do I want to get pg, but I [I]need[/I] a job. I know God will provide, he did the last two years, but I’m getting tired of waiting until the last minute to see where I end up. My DH and I have been through so much in 11 years (long distance relationship for 5.5 years, his dad committed suicide about 2 years into our dating, his mom was diagnosed, fought and beat breast cancer, my job situation, and now this). I just keep asking him when it’s going to easy for us. I’m afraid it might never be!


#31

raerae: thanks for the words of encouragement regarding my feelings about Easter and the step-newphews. it is so hard sometimes! i hate to feel that way, but it is what it is. i :pray: your :bfp: will come soon. gl. :slight_smile:

chrisbkny: i’m sorry you are having such a hard time. i can totally relate to you. while i’m not around children all the time like you at work, i live in a city that is on child overdose, so i have to see it anytime i’m out. after my first failed IVF attempt, i couldn’t stop crying either, so i decided to go see a counselor to help me with my emotional battle. WOW! what a difference. now maybe it is just that the hormones have left my body, but maybe just maybe she’s really helping. i will tell you that one of my prequalifications was that the individual had to have really understood IF issues, not just write it on their bio for insurance (praise God, the counselor i went with actually had her own IF battle and ended up adopting only to become preggers later naturally. she now has two children). another big issue for me was that it be a christian based counselor so she could help me put this all into perspective from a Godly point of view. anyways, it is working with me, and i think i’m getting ready to start my next attempt at IVF. if for nothing else, i’m hoping she can help navigate through the ups and downs of this journey. it doesn’t just stop with the :bfp: as my fear of getting the :bfp: is then miscarring like i did with my natural pregnancy a year and a half ago. hopefully, you will find the answers that help you in the end, whatever you choose to do about it. :pray: for your strength to handle your situation!

onlyneed1: i’m also sorry for your stuggles. i :pray: for your strength as well.


#32

LOL they’re actually far more Italian than the Barone’s. They still have accents and everything. But thank God they live about a half hour away so I don’t have to deal with the pop ins.

Thanks to both of you for your support…I’m going to church tonight and tomorow I’m going to start looking into counseling. I’m not sure where else to turn but I’m thinking peace might start with getting myself right in the head.


#33

Hey Chris,

I just wanted to say I feel your pain about your job. I work with kids all day as well, ranging anywhere in age from 1 year to 12 years. Talk about a constant reminder…


#34

… if only people that hardly know me, knew how upsetting it is to be asked “how come you don’t have any kids?” First of all, it’s none of your **** business!! Second of all, if I am not pregnant after 5 years of marriage, it is likely because a) it is me and my partner’s personal choice to do so, b) we are trying to, and can’t have a child. Duh!!!

… if only people knew how hurtful it is to be asked if you are pregnant when your abdomen is still bloated as a result of a full round of IVF stim. meds and then a failed pregnancy, leading to a miscarriage. Or to be doubted by someone when I tell them, “oh no, I’m definitely not pregnant”.

… if only people knew how hurtful it is to be told that I look fatter/bigger, etc. following two plus years of fertility drugs/treatment and 2 failed pregnancies, all of which have caused me to gain unexpected weight, without the end result of a child.

… if only friends knew how hard it is for me to hear about the normal everyday problems that they, as parents, are having with little kids. ie. colds, sleepless nights, temper tantrums, etc. Yes, I know how exhausting it must be to be a parent. I would happily trade my life with yours to experience these stresses of parenting.


#35

I totally hear ya. I haven’t gained much with IUI, but I hate when people ask when we’re going to have kids. I’ve even had students (high school/college age) ask when we’re going to have kids. I never would have asked my teachers that!

Last week, shortly after my HSG, my DH was on his Facebook page, and says out loud, “You don’t even know me!”. I said, “huh?!”. A hs classmate of mine randomly asked him when we were going to have “terds” of our own. He knows her, but it isn’t like any of us were that close. He responded, “Let’s just say that right now we’re constipated”! I thought it was funny that he got aggravated; normally he just blows it off.


#36

Thanks for posting that song.


#37

You’re welcome! I’m about to post it on Facebook!

If only my “friends” knew how frustrating their stupid pregnancy announcements are on Facebook!!! Two in two days, both due in December, both really freaking crazy for posting this soon! I would’ve been due in December, had my 2nd IUI worked. I’d only be about 8-9 weeks along, and am unfortunately, experienced enough to know it is way too soon to be telling everyone and their dogs, so to speak!

Since this is national infertility awareness week, I posted 1: that it is, and people should sign the MO insurance petition for the state Reps to get it on the calendar and approved. 2: I’ve posted 2 infertility myths followed by the truth. I am now to the point of wanting to say “Okay, I can’t hold it in any longer…I’m NOT pregnant, and NOT due in December, like I could have been had our 2nd IUI actually worked.”

I’m so sick of seeing pregnancy announcements on FB, I try to stay off of it, but this being NIAW, I can’t help it. Dh says I’m going to annoy everyone, but so what?! They’re annoying me! haha!! :slight_smile: They don’t know I’ve blocked them from my feed, let them block me from theirs. I’ll never know!


#38

Sorry, the last vent might have seemed a little brutal!!

Since posting on facebook all week (I’m up to 6 myths and truths, the “WhatIf” video, and the petition twice), I’ve had a few on my friends list say they’ve either dealt with PCOS, or are currently dealing with IF. One friend actually said she’s thought about donating eggs, but her mom isn’t too keen on the idea. It is nice to know there are people I know in real life that are struggling too. Wait, that sounds bad too! But you know what I mean! I love this forum, but it’s nice to know I’ll be working with an old classmate this summer who can commiserate with me.

My vent tonight…

In the pre-FB world, people would have called a few close friends and family members to tell them they were pregnant. Now, they announce and have A LOT of congratulatory comments within MINUTES. If you were to call every person/couple on your friends list, it would take hours/days. So, a pregnancy announcement = 32 congrats in a couple of hours, but a “please support this bill, help try to get it passed and sign the petition” only gets 3 responses in as many days? Really? And I thought you people were my “friends”. [I]That’s [/I]hard to not say on FB right now!

It doesn’t matter if you suffer from IF or not. If you feel that everyone has a right to at least try to have a biological child without draining their savings and then not being able to financially raise said child, then sign the flippin’ petition! That’s all I ask!


#39

If only people knew…

…sex has lost its romance. Having to time sex wears on a person and a relationship.

…pressure to “perform” at a scheduled time causes psychological complications during sex. This then causes more frustration because it basically seals the deal that we aren’t going to be pregnant this month.

…telling me “maybe you guys should take a break” doesn’t help. Really. I know you mean well, (and I didn’t get upset, suprisingly), but the thought of taking a break is…well…exhausting in and of itself. Every month that we are [I]not [/I]seeking treatment, but still actively trying, is technically a break. His counts are so low, that the chances are pretty slim to none that it’s going to happen naturally for us. Trying not to think about it is near impossible.

…that telling my husband your wife wasn’t sure how you should go about telling my DH that you are now pg with baby #2 within the first month of trying doesn’t change the fact that I am jealous as h*** that it is so easy for you. She stopped bcp, and BAM! Pregnant 2 times in as many years, and baby #1 is barely 1. wth??? I’ve never even been on bcp, and we’re heading into cycle number 10!!!

…that I’ve spent the day feeling defeated, and I don’t see that feeling going away anytime soon. I don’t have a teaching job for the fall (which I knew at this time last year would be a possibility). A year ago, I thought that by now we’d have a baby, or at least be pregnant. Now I’m realizing that without that teaching job, and no secure way to pay for IVF, we might as well forfeit. Sure, we could get a loan, we’d have to. But, without enough income to pay it off, it’s just more stress added to the picture. So, now what?

…that while I’m thrilled that your having twins, and they are your boyfriend’s first kids, and your third pg with as many men, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT ALL OF THE TIME!!! I’m working with a cashier this summer that can’t seem to talk about anything else besides her pregnancy. She told people about as soon as the +hpt, and now it’s all she can find to talk about. Good for you, you’re fertile and so is he.

…INFERTILITY SUCKS!!!


#40

Onlyneed1, I seen your post on a post that I made a while back and had to see your thread. You are right, we do sound exactly alike, lol! As well as all these other ladies :slight_smile: Its sad that we have to find a bonding experience in this way, because of infertility, but it is what it is.
I havent been on this site in months, but recently Ive been so depressed over our infertility that I just needed to feel that everyone else is going through the same thing that I am. My cousins new wife is pg, and her baby shower is in two weeks. I honestly dont know how I am going to do this with a smile on my face. Lord, please give me the ability to go there and not ball my eyes out in the middle of this party.