If you donated anonymously


#1

I’d like to hear from those of you who have or are considering donating your embryos anonymously. Did/would you register on the Donor Sibling Registry in order to allow any children born from your embryos to contact you later? Especially if your clinic doesn’t give you the option other than anonymous.

Also, did/will you tell your own children that you donated embryos, so that if they want, they can try to search for any of their genetic siblings?

Our daughter came to us thanks to anonymous embryo donation, and the clinic does not have any option other than anonymous. So I’m hoping that, given the chance, our donors and/or their children would register with the DSR, so that our daughter could get in touch with them when she’s older, if she wants. Our first attempt with EA was an open arrangement. We were out of ideas, money, and strength to continue looking for an open arrangement. Plus, I felt uncomfortable with the level of openness our first EA attempts had. Being able to contact the donors when DD turns 18 would have been ideal, but there aren’t as many choices with donor embryos as there are with donor sperm.


#2

When my wife and I adopted 13 embryos from anonymous donor via a clinic, it was up to both parties via our lawyers to draft an agreement about how open the arrangement would be. We simply added a clause that our children can meet their bio-siblings any time after they turn 18 with a request via an attorney. Of course the other party must agree with the request also.

I since wish that we had had a much more open arrangement, in fact a completely open arrangement. There’s so much I’d love to know about the bio-siblings of our own two sons, and I wish they knew about ours. I now simply don’t see the need for all the secrecy, personally. But I understand it respects the wishes of the bio-parents/siblings- I have no idea how it would feel to meet children that are in a way your own, but being raised totally independent of you. Also, I have to consider the effect on all the children involved. It guess it could end up causing hurt along with joy.

Anyway, when it came time to donate our remaining embryos, we’ve insisted on a much more open arrangement, whereby all parties can meet if all agree to it. In this case, none of us are the bio-parents, so I can’t see the same conflicts/issues being a factor. We’re all essentially in the same boat. It would be incredible to see bio-siblings of my own children, even compare notes about things being similar/different, therefore products of genetics or upbringing. (For example, both our sons are and always have been fantastic sleepers. No lost sleep for us, mostly speaking. We’ve told ourselves we dodged the bullet, twice, and thank our lucky stars! But now I’d just love to know were the other two boys from bio parent’s the same? That and a half billion other things.)

Sorry, hope I haven’t hijacked your thread, but I find the subject of openness with embryo adoptions fascinating.


#3

Thanks for replying. I think it makes sense for us recipients to desire more openness as we want to know as much as possible about our kids background. But you make a good point about wanting that openness now that you’re donating too. Gives me hope that DDs donors might desire more contact than originally planned and think to reach out by registering on the Donor Sibling Registry. Or I hope that at least they told their kids and the kids register.


#4

I’m on the same side of the process as you, but I am truly hoping for something at least partially open, which is what I listed on NRFA. There are a lot of reasons for that, including the many years that I had two younger brothers who had no idea they had an older sister and brother. I won’t say we’ve made up for lost time, because we haven’t, but it was a great day when the younger brother I’d always known about reached out to me. We chat once in a while and I’m considering a trip that would include seeing him. I don’t know if the youngest is interested, and my brother doesn’t care all that much, but it’s important to me. As well, because I am mixed race, even a biological child would be unlikely to look like me. I think it would be nice to have pictures that show similarity, for the child’s sake as much as anything else.


#5

You make a good point. DH and I are a mixed ethnicity couple, so a bio child wouldn’t have looked like me anyway. I have to remind myself that when people comment how much Dd looks like my Dh. I got to carry and birth her and nurse her. I’m glad he gets the resemblance comments.