I am writing tonight with a heavy heart. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for over 3 years. We are in the middle of our 2nd iui. We’ve been testing for over a year, many procedures, surgery and I am on all kinds of meds. In the last few months… Maybe longer, sex has become more of a job, a means to an end. It has lost its fun and relaxation for me. It’s like a source of sadness and a reminder of our lack of ability to conceive. I am feeling so bad that our infertility is having this effect on this very important part of our relationship. Not sure what I am looking for… Maybe advice, maybe just someone to listen and say they’ve been here too. Not sure how to move forward… I don’t want to hurt my husband anymore. But I don’t want to feel like sex is a chore either :’(
Here is my suggestion…once AF is over, have sex. You know it’s not baby-making sex, and the rules of where and when and how do not apply. (you know, at night so you don’t get up after, the doctor approved dates, the finishing moves) The pressure is gone for both of you. I find if you start the month of right, your body remembers it likes this, and it leads to more all month long! Believe me, you are not alone in this. We tried for 4 years and we went through the same thing, multiple times. I think realizing that you’re not enjoying it anymore is the first step!
Its def important to have non baby making sex. ie: right after af. And during your 2ww. When it doesn’t matter how/where he finishes… also try to change your thinking, sex isn’t only for baby making, its an important part of a happy marriage. A way to show your love for your mate. Get kinda crazy, try toys or outfits or locations that u normally dont (but within your and your spouses comfort zones) ive found that it also helps to joke about the iui proceedure. We live too far from the clinic for hubby to get his sample at home so he collects at the clinic and we giggle about the really terrible porn they have in the room… and giggle whenever a guy comes out of the andrology door cause we know what they did haha. Infertility is a heartbreakingly difficult situation and i think its important to try to find some humor in difficult situations.
Thanks for the support. I am just realizing its going to take a little work and focus on making love and not just making babies. Making babies all the time is exhausting… And disheartening when it consistently isn’t working. I need to make it about us and not just a means to an end! Thanks so much for the kind words and advice
You are not alone! We have struggled with this for a few years as well. What wonderful advice from Heidi and Kika. What has worked for us also is having sex first thing in the morning so there is not as much time to think about it all day and make it into a chore. I have the hardest time when we would have to have sex and I was thinking about it all day. It was just so to get into it when I had to. It does take some work to make it fun again but making sure you do it when it is not a MUST time is key.