Inlaw Hell


#1

Hey everyone I need help ASAP! I called my SIL this morning to apoligize for having to stop her mid-conversation when she started telling me in detail how her uterus has allready thinned out, because it’s hard being there period right now, let alone graphic details about her uterus. Our infertility and the miscarriage have really taken an emotional toll on me, my marriage, and that was just too triggering to hear about anything that specific. I did say I’m sorry and just help up my hand and said I can’t, went to the bathroom and cried, and told my husband I needed to go home. Could have been much worse!

Anyways… after getting no call back from my SIL, I called my MIL since she’s allready 2cm dialated so it’s any time now. I told her I shouldn’t go to the hospital when the baby is born because I’m such a mess at times I’m 99% positive I’ll cry and don’t want to ruin the special day. Well… my MIL told me that’s not ok, and my SIL was really upset about last night but god forbid she actually call me to talk it through. So, now we’re back to the pink elephant in the middle of the room that on one wants to talk about, and I have no idea what to do. This is her third baby, not her first, and I don’t think they realize how hard it is to walk into the delivery floor right now. So, do I go to the hospital and get resented if I cry, which I will, or do I get resented for not going. These are people that will disown you, and there are tons of issues with an enmeshed family, alcoholism, enabling, etc. And they all live down the street. My DH said we’ll just bring a towel to dry the babies head from my tears. LOL What would you do???


#2

OMG! I feel bad for you lady.

Knowing myself I would have gone to the hospital. Im a sucker like that though. Kindda looking out for other people’s feelings other than mine.

Thing is, from what you said, these in laws of yours have no regard for your emotions. That is clear. I wouldnt expect them to change or even have empathy for your situation. :woohoo:

In saying that there is no way they would undertsand your situation because clearly they are baby popping machines (god bless them). You have to understand that no one will know what you are going through.

If you dont want to be disowned do as they say. Bite your tounge and just roll with it FOREVER perhaps. If you think you cannot give in forever think about what you need to do to get out. Which choice do you think you could recover from easily?

Make a choice and stick with it. both roads will be hard. If you know yourself well, you will know which road to take.

Another crappy thing is that I would not get your husband invloved. The last thing you want to do is be a divde in the family regardless how unstable it apprears to you (for them its normal). You will be bearing that cross.

Ive always been careful with choosing a partner and the relationships with family. Lucky I ended up with my husband, his parents and my parents are alike! and we all love the company of each other. had his family not suited me I would have been out in a flash! I have done it before. :dance:

Hope that helps?


#3

Your MIL will always side with your SIL. Horrible but true. I personally couldn’t go and obviously they don’t understand what you are going through. Here is an idea:

Sick people aren’t allowed near new babies. If I had a new baby and someone wanted to visit but they had a cold, coughing, sneezing, throwing up… a crazy rash there is no way I would let that person come within 5 miles of my baby.

I would mend things with your MIL and SIL (that will be HARD!) and let them know that you understand their feelings and then around hospital time scratch your arms to make them look red and irritated, IDK… get sick. They will TELL you not to come and you can act disappointed.

This may be a very immature opinion of mine but I am allowed to it… especially since I am a raging hormonal mess right now with my estrogen through the roof and progesterone shots nightly. I am allowed to be temporarily crazy. :slight_smile: And remember, you don’t HAVE to do anything that you don’t want to do when it comes to them.

Good advice from Witty Kitty too… She gave the advice that a mom would give and I gave advice that your best friend would give LOL


#4

Fertility one…I do sound like a mama!!!

My friends always tell me that…lol :woohoo:

The funny thing is Im the least maternal person you can meet. My sis has 5 kids and Im still not clucky lol…Hopefully that will change if my FET is sucessful lol…

Wish you ladies all the sucess!!! :clap:


#5

Thank you ladies for the reply! Unfortunately my husband walked into my inlaws house today as they were having a bday party for my SIL’s fiance and didn’t bother to tell us. We’re living on top of eachother, so this was definitely intentional as this doesn’t happen ever. Whether it was out of spite, or they feel too uncomfortable, now my poor husband is wrapped up in this too as they couldn’t even let him know. Thank God he knows they’re disfunctional and doesn’t blame me. I’ve decided not to go because besides the emotional stuff involved, all of these unresolved family issues are coming up and I’d be uncomfortable anyways. So I’m done and am giving it to GOD.

Wittykitty- That’s one thing I know is myself and my limits, and I’ve reached them so I’m sticking to my decision. Thank you! That is so wonderful that you have such amazing inlaws. Hope your FET is successful and you can provide some beautiful grandchildren!

Fertility1- Playing sick is a really good idea, but they will see right through it. There is no separation between my husband and I and them and they’d never believe it. Maybe I really will get sick, but they wouldn’t beleive me anyways.AAHHH! Best of luck to you in your journey, and especially dealing with the crazy hormones!


#6

OMG what ruthless witches if there was an intention behind it!!!

Bahh dont take it to heart. Let them do their worse. Take the time out to work on yourself and then confront them if you choose too.

Kill them with kindness, thats what I would do. Send a gift for the little one and apologise for not making it. They wont know what to say.

Good decision not to go to the party though. It would have intimidated them for sure.

Hey thank you for the well wishing!!! I have two step children that are amazing already!! Hoping for the best preparing for the worse.

I got so ill from the the IVF cycle it turned me off completely. I just wanted to try the FET so I would not regret it later on in life. Plus its a much easier cycle. ha!


#7

Wittykitty- Was the FET much easier on your body? I don’t know if we’re doing fresh or frozen next. How wonderful you have two step children. How old?

As far as our craziness, my DH called his mother today and she said they didn’t invite us to the party because they can’t be happy about the baby around us, and I’m just jealous of my SIL, etc. Also my SIL didn’t call me back because she thinks I think everything she does is wrong. It’s absolute insanity! God forbid I have feelings that I can’t stuff. It’s amazing what some “fertile” people think about people going through infertility and miscarriage. Now my husband told his mother he’s ashamed to be her son. So much for a happy christmas! :grr: Unfortunately this goes way beyond just the infertility stuff and everythings just coming to a head. It will all work out somehow, right?


#8

Hi,

Ugh - I am so sorry for you and TOTALLY understand how you feel. Try as we might, with the best of intentions, sometimes we just CAN’T TAKE IT. Sometimes the hurt is just too much.

True - fertiles can’t comprehend our situation but most, especially close family and friends SHOULD make an effort to understand and be compassionate. (It’s our job to help explain the situation to them, and especially our feelings … I struggled with mom … just didn’t get why I hurt so much and hearing about every girl on the block being preggers and having kids felt like a comparison / failure. She didn’t realize that and quickly changed. But I digress :slight_smile: … )

So, I take it your DHs family know about your situation, correct? If so, there NEEDS to be some love here … some understanding of your emotions as well as your well being. That is NOT asking too much.

Your SIL is probably terribly hormonal as well which doesn’t make things much easier. Maybe you could write her a really heartfelt letter and send that to the hospital with flowers or something? Maybe explain to her that you are SO happy for her and are excited to be an aunt again. However, you are still mounring the lose of your child and it’s difficult to express anything else at this time. But that with love and help from her and family, you will be okay. (never forget, but will be strong and move forward.)

maybe a little trite but if THAT type of sentiment is rejected … they aren’t worth your energy.

Best of luck hun! Cry when you need to … you OWN your emotions. No one else can tell you how to feel or when. But know that you are strong and you WILL move forward.

:pray: ing for your BFP and healthy pregnancy! :grouphug:


#9

Also, if you write a letter, at least you know in your heart that you did the right thing and you might be able to find peace in that.


#10

Understand

I understand this so well! My SIL just had baby on the 18th the day I after I found out my beta was a BFN. SO SO hard. The sad thing is my inlaws are supportive and kind and gentle with me and my husband and it is still SO SO hard! I am just praying A LOT this holiday season that I will hold it together for my family. I am so sorry that your people are not being kind to you. This is honestly the saddest I have ever been in my life… I am dealing with emotions I didn’t know I even had. I pray for a miracle for myself and my infertility sisters. That is all we can do. Another thing I did was go on to the “resolve” website and download some literature on helping people cope with infertiltiy. I sent that to my MIL, Mother and best friend. I will attach the link. Check it out. Their are some great resources on the website in general. Best of luck this holiday season.

Managing Infertility Stress RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association

At the bottom their is a coping with infertility fact sheet: how friends and family can help… this is what I used… pass it out :slight_smile:


#11

Coffeegal1- Congrats on being :preg: ! Hope all goes well at your 1st OB appt. tomorrow. Thank you for your suggestions. My SIL had her baby yesterday, and the only reason we knew it was happening was because her fiance sent us a message. My MIL never called her own son to let him know! I went to the hospital for him, and of course to please them, and I took one step out of the car and turned right back around. It felt like the miscarriage happened all over again. Like you said though, now I know I tried to do the right thing and everyone knew I was there and tried, so if that’s not good enough there’s nothing I can do.

We decided to spend christmas eve with my family, and day by ourselves, drama free, and with people who love and understand us. Infertility can be a lonely world, but thank god for the few that are compassionate!

Hope you have a healthy happy pregnancy!

Peaceandhope- Thanks so much for the Resolve link. I will definitely use it. I’m sorry you are dealing with the pain of your SIL having a baby too, especially after a failed cycle. I hope this next iui is the one for you, and I will say a prayer for you also!


#12

LilyRose - Ugh! So werid of them! But you did the SUPER mature thing. You’ve done what you can do. I think it’s a good idea to be spending the holidays with a select few close family members that can provide comfort. I spent too many holidays and functions barely holding it together only to burst on my DH minutes after getting in the car on the way home. It’s not fair to him or me.

The articles that PeaceandHope attached are AMAZING! Thank you! I read them twice and gave them to my husband. I wish I would have known about them months ago. But, suprisingly, they are helpful even now. I know this seems strange, but we are so scared about losing this pregnancy that I’ve absolutely isolated myself. I’m terrified constantly. Some of the techniques in the stress document look like they can help even now.

Anyway, I hope that everyone on this string has a wonderful new year. I will be thinking of all of you and checking in so please keep in touch!

:grouphug:


#13

One day your SIL and MIL will stand in front of God and have to explain themselves.


#14

Lily- I saw this and thought of you! :woohoo:

[B][B][I]My name is Danielle Gervais. I’m a Casting Director at Leftfield Pictures, which produces the powerful new series, Monster In-Laws on A&E. Please don’t let the provocative name fool you, this compelling series is dedicated to really helping couples who for one reason or another, are struggling to maintain a civil relationship with an in-law (or the other way around.) We’re looking for brave couples (and their in-laws) who are willing to share their stories in the hopes of not only repairing their own relationships, but also helping thousands of other families who are going through similar challenges. It’s a topic that lots of wives (and husbands!) can relate to. The time commitment is 6 full days for the family and we offer a financial honorarium as a “thank you” for your participation and time.
I’m including the casting notice below. I’m hoping you can pass along the attached information to the moms in your network. We are casting nationwide, so moms from any state can feel free to contact me for more information! If you have any questions or concerns about posting or emailing the casting information below, please don’t hesitate to contact me!
With regard to a deadline, we’d like moms to reach out to us ASAP, but we’ll be casting until at least March 2012!
Thank you in advance and I look forward to hearing from you!
Best,
Danielle Gervais
Casting Director
Leftfield Pictures[/I][/B][/B]


#15

Fertility1- I forgot what I posted this under and couldn’t find it. You are absolutely hilarious! Congrats on your pregnancy! :cheer:


#16

You didn’t do anything wrong, but if you want to patch things up, I’d suggest you send hubby over for peace talks.


#17

Hi my name’s renai and I’m 33. My husband and I have been trying for three years now and have had no luck at all. Just recently my younger brother announced he and his wife were expecting. While my husband and I were pleased for them we were absolutely guttered and heartbroken for ourselves. Now naturally mum and dad are excited which is also very hard to take. But my husband and i dont ever want to take any of that away from either my parents or my brother so we have chosen to remove ourselves a little. However this has not gone down well and is not being understood.
A couple of months ago I had a falling out with my mum as I tried to explain to her that I didn’t want strangers babies pointed out to me on the street or I didn’t want phone calls telling me about friends of hers who were becoming grandparents. This didn’t go down well with her and she couldnt understand why i didnt want to hear about these stories. Anyway we resolved things very quickly but our relationship has not been the same since as she still doesn’t get it but I don’t want to fight or have awkwardness in the family.
However now that my brother is expecting she is less understanding about our feelings and can’t see why we can’t be apart of the excitement. My brother has also made threats like “if you aren’t apart of it now we don’t want you apart of it when it’s born”. We also get the comments “at least you have your health” and “there’s more to life than having children”. Funny how all these comments are from my parents who have children and my brother who is expecting and whose wife didn’t even experience the dissapointment of one period.

Anyway I’ve been attending a support group through the hospital we do Ivf with and it has really helped me as I have been feeling so guilty about everything from not being able to have a baby to worrying about everyone else’s feelings. This as a result however has caused alot of problems between my husband and I as rather than helping each other and making ourselves happy we were doin the opposite and trying to make everyone else happy. Recently however we have tried to change this and have started doin things that help us through this and this was a strong message from my support group also. You have to look after yourselves first. Noone who has not been through this will understand. While they should try, especially family, sometimes they just don’t get it and if that’s the case you can’t waste energy continuing to try or be someone you’re not. You already waste so much energy on trying to have a baby and then trying to deal with the emotional effects of not being successful. You don’t have to deal with all the family issues as well. It’s just too hard and noone should expect you to be able to walk into a hospital full of babies and be ok. My whole body aches when I see a pregnant woman or a family in the park.

As I’ve said in trying to make people understand it’s like telling someone without legs how wonderful it is to run. You just wouldn’t do it so why should people expect you to be ok about being around babies and talking about babies when it is something you so desperately want.

I think you’ve made a great decision and stick by your guns. You only need good energy around you right now
and anyone who can’t try to understand that isn’t worth the upset. No one expects people to truly understand it
but a little compassion and an attempt to get it never
goes a stray. You stay strong and remember that this is
about you and your husband now and so long as you two
are strong and get through this nothing else matters.

Good luck.


#18

Hi my name’s renai and I’m 33. My husband and I have been trying for three years now and have had no luck at all. Just recently my younger brother announced he and his wife were expecting. While my husband and I were pleased for them we were absolutely guttered and heartbroken for ourselves. Now naturally mum and dad are excited which is also very hard to take. But my husband and i dont ever want to take any of that away from either my parents or my brother so we have chosen to remove ourselves a little. However this has not gone down well and is not being understood.
A couple of months ago I had a falling out with my mum as I tried to explain to her that I didn’t want strangers babies pointed out to me on the street or I didn’t want phone calls telling me about friends of hers who were becoming grandparents. This didn’t go down well with her and she couldnt understand why i didnt want to hear about these stories. Anyway we resolved things very quickly but our relationship has not been the same since as she still doesn’t get it but I don’t want to fight or have awkwardness in the family.
However now that my brother is expecting she is less understanding about our feelings and can’t see why we can’t be apart of the excitement. My brother has also made threats like “if you aren’t apart of it now we don’t want you apart of it when it’s born”. We also get the comments “at least you have your health” and “there’s more to life than having children”. Funny how all these comments are from my parents who have children and my brother who is expecting and whose wife didn’t even experience the dissapointment of one period.

Anyway I’ve been attending a support group through the hospital we do Ivf with and it has really helped me as I have been feeling so guilty about everything from not being able to have a baby to worrying about everyone else’s feelings. This as a result however has caused alot of problems between my husband and I as rather than helping each other and making ourselves happy we were doin the opposite and trying to make everyone else happy. Recently however we have tried to change this and have started doin things that help us through this and this was a strong message from my support group also. You have to look after yourselves first. Noone who has not been through this will understand. While they should try, especially family, sometimes they just don’t get it and if that’s the case you can’t waste energy continuing to try or be someone you’re not. You already waste so much energy on trying to have a baby and then trying to deal with the emotional effects of not being successful. You don’t have to deal with all the family issues as well. It’s just too hard and noone should expect you to be able to walk into a hospital full of babies and be ok. My whole body aches when I see a pregnant woman or a family in the park.

As I’ve said in trying to make people understand it’s like telling someone without legs how wonderful it is to run. You just wouldn’t do it so why should people expect you to be ok about being around babies and talking about babies when it is something you so desperately want.

I think you’ve made a great decision and stick by your guns. You only need good energy around you right now
and anyone who can’t try to understand that isn’t worth the upset. No one expects people to truly understand it
but a little compassion and an attempt to get it never
goes a stray. You stay strong and remember that this is
about you and your husband now and so long as you two
are strong and get through this nothing else matters.

Good luck.