Is it selfish to skip thanksgiving?


I just got bad news about my IVF yesterday. I don’t think I can afford to do it again, and I’m absolutely devastated. I cried all day yesterday and then when I was on the phone with my older brother last night, something he said triggered the flood gate again. I finally explained to him what was going on (he knows I’ve been trying, but he doesn’t know for how long and how much trouble I had). Anyway, after several minutes of me sobbing uncontrollably, he finally said, “Listen, I was told to keep this quiet, but I think I need to tell you something.” And then he compassionately told me that my other brother and his wife are expecting and they’re planning on making the announcement at Thanksgiving dinner.

I’m not usually a bitter person, but I feel like this process had made me so. And honestly? I don’t want to go to Thanksgiving dinner now. I don’t mind showing up afterwards, but I don’t want to sit there throughout the entire dinner, waiting for the joyful news. And I don’t know how I’ll react. Someone can just look at me wrong right now, and I’ll burst into tears. I hope it will get better, but right now, I’m just a wreck.

What would you do? Is it absolutely awful to not go? Or should I buck up and quit being a baby? Does it make it more awful that I’m actually flying into town for Thanksgiving, and that they would all know that I’m choosing to sit in a hotel room over having dinner with them? This is just so hard! As it is, I’m having to watch another SIL grow. She and I got pregnant at the same time, and I miscarried. So I watch her belly get large, I see the plans they’re making, the baby room they’re decorating, and I can’t help but think “that is exactly where I would be.” I’m happy for her, of course!! But it hurts doubly bad that she is due exactly when I would have been due.

Ugh, I’m in a poor me mode and I need to stop. :frowning:


I’m sorry to hear about your IVF transfer being delayed (it sounds like you will be doing a FET in the near future?). I am currently waiting to see how my embabies are developing and it is really nerve-racking. I thought I would offer my opinion because originally my beta blood test was supposed to be tomorrow but my cycle was delayed because of a cyst. My older sister I believe is also TTC and she is hosting Thanksgiving. I had debated doing an announcement to our family if we got a BFP but then realized that may not be the right thing to do, because it might make her feel bad, especially since she is hosting. Then I considered what to do if it was a BFN, if I would even be in the mood to celebrate or give “thanks”. I have always been on edge around my sister these past few months, worried that at any given second she is going to announce she is pregnant. I try to practice my expression in the mirror even because I feel like I would be so unpredictable if I received that news. My jaw would probably drop, I would cry and to be honest, I know that I couldn’t even fake being happy. It was very kind of your brother to give you the heads up. Maybe if you can let it sink it you can control the way you feel about it more. If you feel you can put on a smile and congratulate them then go, but honestly, if it were me I would make up an excuse to not be there if I knew I was going to fall apart. I hate to be that sob story, and it sounds like you do too - but do you think you could get support from your SILs? or no?


That’s got to be pretty tough that both of you are TTC, because chances are, one of you will be successful before the other. I mean, it is what it is, but it doesn’t make it any less painful for the one who’s left behind.

My doc wants me to do another round of IVF to see if we can get more eggs. He says at my age, I need to do the chromosonal testing, which requires day 5 embryos. He froze the only 2 day 3 embryos because he was afraid they wouldn’t make it to day 5.

Honestly, this whole process has been so draining, a lot of times I don’t really feel like being around people - which is odd, because I’m normally (or used to be) very social. Now I’m finding myself just wanting to be alone so I don’t have to pretend like everything’s okay. Somehow I need to do an attitude adjustment, because the world isn’t going to stop for me!

Anyway, I suppose I can wait and see what I feel like on Thanksgiving day. By then I will have had a few days to process, and maybe I’ll feel better able to handle the news.

Good luck with your “embabies.” :cross:


I know what you mean by not wanting to be around people. Sometimes even in the presence of others I feel “checked out” you kinda feel dead inside (esp after receiving bad news). But we can’t let infertility rob us of our whole lives! How are you feeling about it today? I hope you have a safe flight and everything goes well if you decide to join them. If there is anyone in your family that can provide you comfort with their company you should go - you need support and deserve to be with your loved ones on Thanksgiving.