It has been over four months that I lost my baby girls and the pain is still there. It has been very bad lately when I think that they would have been here by now. I would have been putting beds together and getting everything ready for them and now all I do is buy things to put on their grave. I don’t know how I can go from so happy for having my first daughters to crying when I hold something I got for them. I held on to everything that I got and sometimes I think it would be best to sell it all and not look back, but I cant bring myself to do it. I want them back and I know that will never happen. I just think that I have to keep going and do what I think is right so that I can go to heaven one day and hold them again. I never was one with God and all that and now all I can think about is I hope that is true so that I can hold them again one day. I have been trying to have another one but nothing yet and I think that just makes it worse. I want to stop trying and just be happy with the two boys I have, but when I look at the baby bed I just fill I need a baby to put in it. I can look at their outfits and see the shape it should be and not the nothing it is. I still hurt and I just want the pain to go away. I miss them so much. Putting flowers on a grave is not what I wanted to do. My mother said that I am spending too much money on their grave stone, but all I can say is that is the only thing I will every buy for them so I don’t think it is too much I know four months is not long and the pain my never go away. I just think the due date is killing me.
June 28, 2010
:wings::wings: twin girls @ 20 weeks