IVF, Adoption, Disability and Fears. How to decide if Adoption is for you


Hubby and I are evaluating what our next steps are after a couple failed IVF cycles. We really want to have a family but I’m not sure about how valid an option Adoption is for us.

  1. I’m afraid my Husband’s disability (quadriplegia) would severely decrease the likelihood that we’d get matched. What are the policies, realities of that?

  2. I’m afraid we would have trouble bonding with the baby.

  3. Not sure if we would like an “open adoption” but from lurking here it seems that’s the way people are going more often than not.

I will continue to learn by lurking but just thought maybe you guys could give us some thoughts.


Tracy-- very glad you posted these questions. My DH and I are in a very similar situation. We are trying our last ivf cycle in January and should have one fet left. We not only have our age… But I’m also a right leg and arm amputee from a motorcycle accident. Which doesn’t look good on paper!:grr:

I’ve talked with a couple of agencies and found out that my disability would be on our profile. I don’t want to hide it… But I wish it was mentioned after they showed interest in us and then at least the agency could possibly do some advocating for us. Both agencies said we most likely would be on a list for a longer period of time. Currently I can’t bring myself to pay the fees ( at least $5,000) and go through this right now.

We have started reaching out and acquiring information on private adoption. At least this way we have people who have gotten to know us and can advocate for us.

But also like you I’m worried about the bonding.

Thank you again for posting and I can’t wait to see the responses!


Everybody is good to have a look:preg: :preg: :preg: :preg: :preg:


Gwu-- I don’t need anymore information at the moment. I don’t think DH and I are ready to fully embrace adoption until we finish our final ivf and fet. Then I may have many questions on private adoption. We have a chance to adopt locally in April … But we feel it’s to soon and close to home. The young girl lives about 25 minutes away from us.


We’ve started looking at adoption agencies and I would 2nd the idea of attending a few free orientations at some local agencies. We went to an orientation last night and it seems other than meeting any state laws/requirements most agencies have a great deal of discretion as to what families they will work with. Our agency requires a recent health physical and letter from you primary care doctor stating you are in good health and have a normal life expectancy. And/or if you do have any medical conditions or disability they just ask that you doctor(s) confirms that it will not impair your ability to parent and that you have a reasonable expectation of living to or past the child 20th birthday. Again this seems to be different with different agencies. But, based on my own experience I think there is a right agency/service provider out there for each family.
As they will tell you nearly all domestic infant matches are selected by the birth mother/parents. So, finding the ‘right’ match is a combination of exposure and luck!
We’ve also been told that if we are more ‘flexible’ we have a better chance of a match & possibly a shorter wait. Consider what you be willing to be flexible on… race, medical issues/risks, drug/alcohol exposure, families mental health history, unknown birth father and level of openness. I guess it is fairly common for families to change their pramitors as they become more educated on all the different subjects/issues.
As far as open adoptions we were really concerned about this as well. I think a lot of adoptive parents start out with the fear of a birth parent just showing up at the front door one day wanting their kid back. But, the more we have learned about it the more we realize that some level of openness is often best for the child. There no (or at least less) wondering about the why, hows, if they were loved and were they came from.
I would really recommend reading “Secrets to your successful domestic adoption: insider advice to create you forever family faster” by Jennifer Joyce Pedley, birthmother & social worker.
I just finished it and it is really good and helpful!

Best of luck to you!


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