IVF with DE: Distressed


I’m going to be completely honest… Hopefully, some of you can relate and offer advice, as well as answer some questions.

You can see in my signature below the journey DH and I have been on. We tried to conceive on our own for 1 1/2 years before seeking treatment. The breaks in treatment are when we were trying on our own as well, at the recommendation of our GYN. Smh. What a waste of time. Anyway… We made a decision…

We are going to start the process of IVF with ICED DE via an anonymous donor. Our state, nor any of the states around us, have any type of fertility coverage. Our insurance covers labs, US, and office visits with copays and/or reduced rate. Nevertheless, this procedure is going to cost us around $20,000 out of pocket with procedures and meds. I feel incredibly blessed that we have the money, though our life savings, to proceed with IVF with DE. However, if this doesn’t work, we won’t be able to fork out that kind of money again any time soon. We have also decided to freeze remaining embryos. My first question… Let’s say this doesn’t work. Will FET be any less expensive?

For whatever reason, maybe just the fact that I have nearly let go of the dream of ever conceiving, I feel like this isn’t going to work. I pray daily for the strength to believe that this will work. There’s always that voice in the back of my mind that says “You’re just throwing your money away.” and/or “It’s just not meant for you to have children.” DH is super excited and convinced we will conceive with our first round. I wish I could share in his joy. Idk why, but I just don’t have the optimism that he does. I think one of the things that holds me back is… What will my mental state be if I do become optimistic and then IVF fails? We are required through our clinic to meet with a psychologist for clearance before starting our procedure. I will be making the appointment this week, as soon as I get my work schedule. Is this a normal question people ask themselves before they begin or is it just me? Should I bring this question up during our session or just let it go? Maybe the psychologist will ask that question… If this doesn’t work, how will you handle the loss? Is “Idk. I’ll be devastated and likely cry a lot. I’ll read lots of scripture to look for strength and reasons why. I probably won’t go out of the house for a week or more, so I don’t have to be around any children… And I’ll definitely have to avoid Facebook.” a proper response?

On another note, DH doesn’t want anyone to know how we conceive if IVF with DE is successful. He thinks it would be harder for me if ignorant people were to say something like “You can’t even tell he/she is not yours.” Honestly, through this journey, I’ve learned that most people don’t understand infertility treatments at all. To the layman, there’s no difference between IUI and IVF, much less what it means to have DE. But… When/how will we tell our child/children? Will we tell them at all? What about their pediatrician? I guess we’ll just have to see if we’re successful or not first before we go into those questions further.

What are some of the thoughts that went through your mind when you were at this point in your journey? I could really use some advice and encouragement right now. Success stories with 1st round IVF with ICED DE would be awesome, too. Just saying… Thanks in advance.


Have you looked into clinics with shared guarantee cycles. These are when one donor is shared by 2-3 recipients. The guarantee is that if after a certain number of cycles you get your money back. Overall, guarantee programs are more expensive, but sharing a donor will bring the cost down. Check out your clinic’s statistics to see what your chances of success are. In general FET are cheaper but the success rates are lower than a fresh transfer.

It’s good to meet with the psychologist. My clinic required it and they give useful info. If you are in the no tell camp just beware that there’s other ways that it can come out. Like with blood types and other genetic traits. This would be more of an issue for your son/daughter.


[QUOTE=LindaLou;n2604551]Since this site is anonymous, I’m going to be completely honest… Hopefully, some of you can relate and offer advice, as well as answer some questions.


This site is absolutely not anonymous. While you need to register to post, a simple Google search will take you to this site and anyone can read the posts here. Your profile shows your name, location, marital status, and occupation as well as information regarding your fertility issues. If you have used the same user name that you have used on other sites, a nickname you are commonly known by or a portion of your email address as part of your user name those all can easily be traced to you. Please do not ever feel that [B]any[/B] site, [B]anywhere[/B] on the internet is anonymous.


The closest clinic with a shared guarantee donor program is a 9 hour drive away. I’m not sure it would be worth the reduced cost by the time you figure in airfare + hotel, but I’m looking into it. I’ve got a call into that clinic but had to leave a message.

Our RE says success rate will be 50-70%. We shall see. Our clinic doesn’t offer any of the guarantee programs that others around the nation offer. Unfortunately, that’s the downside of living in a rural community. We have to drive 1.5 hours to get to the clinic we are currently using, as it is.

Happy to see your signature. Congrats! I’ll be praying for BFP from your FET!!!


Thank you.


While user names can not be changed and posts are permanent, you can change the information in your profile at any time.


LindaLou! Great to meet you!!! I am in almost the same boat as you. I too am 30 years old. Only difference is my fertility problems started after I had my dd. She is now 2 years old. My highest FSH was 35. I have tried IVF with my own eggs twice, but both times ovulated before retrieval. Dr says its part of my “ovarian dysfunction”. We are doing out last try with my own eggs…high dose injectables with IUI, and if a no go, onto DE. Shadygrove has shared risk. I have an appt with them tomorrow over the phone. I am also looking into a clinic in Seattle as well. I am with you about your fears if it doesnt work. My dh thinks it will work 1st try too…what if it doesnt!!! Very scary…we have talked at length about telling versus not telling our future kids…my husband is more on the side of not telling them, but because its about me, he said ultimately its my choice. He doesnt want to tell family either…more so because I have a very noisy, ignorant family:) And they really don’t deserve to know. They have not been very supportive of us during this horrible process.
Feel free to connect with me privately via messages!!



LindaLou- I completely understand everything you are going through. My DH and I paid for every cycle out of pocket. We actually financed the 1st cycle which ended in miscarriage. I can’t even tell you what it is like to write a check every month to remind us of our loss. The 2nd cycle and this DE cycle we cleaned out our savings. We ended up with enough to put 2 back, and have 8 frosties. I knew if this cycle didn’t work, we would not have the money to do FET. I am now 5 weeks pregnant, and this morning I believed I was having another miscarriage. My RE is 1.5 hours from my house. As I was driving there to have my miscarriage confirmed, I was trying to figure out what I could hawk to pay for a FET. Turns out I am NOT losing a baby, I having TWO!! Yes, Twins from our 1st DE cycle.
My DH was convinced this cycle would work, and he was right. So be optimistic and take one thing at a time.
We have told very few family members that we went DE. My mom asked me if I would feel like the babies weren’t totally mine. I explained it to her this way. She is a gardener, and takes pride in her tomatoes. I said " Where did you buy your tomato seeds?" she looked at me funny, and told me she bought them from a man at the store. “So you brought the seeds home, planted them, nourished them, and raised them into beautiful tomatoes?,” I said. She told me that is exactly what she did. I then asked her "Whose Tomatoes are they?"
You will make your decision that best suits your family. As for us, we have decided it is not anybody else’s business. I joke all the time that I bet everyone will say the babies look like me.:nerd:
Good Luck to you!!


Love your story. Happy to hear that the first DE transfer worked for you. Congratulations on the twins.


I am new to the process so I don’t have much advice to offer. I just wanted to state that a FET transfer is a lot less expensive then a fresh cycle.

With all of the setbacks that we have had with infertility, it is hard to be optimistic but I think we still have some rays of hope in us. Otherwise, we wouldn’t spend all of this month and go through injections, etc. I can’t guarantee that it will work but the odds with donor eggs is a lot better then with our eggs for a lot of us.


You’re story gave me goosebumps!!! Soooo happy and super excited for you!!! Thank you for sharing your story with me! It means so much and gives me hope!


Thank you all so much for your responses! It’s nice to know that I’m not the only person in the world going through this. Your stories are inspiring and hopeful!


Thanks for the info. So sorry for your losses :frowning: Will be keeping you in my prayers.


LindaLou - I know that this has been a rough process. I will state that FETs are much less than DE IVF. At our site, DE was $25,000 and my insurance paid for ultrasounds and blood work. FET was $3000 with similar coverage.

My tip is that you might consider traveling to get the best site for both fresh and frozen DE cycles. The real expense isn’t the travel (even cross country). It is DE IVF and the donor’s fees. Personally, I would select a site with outstanding stats. It increases the likelihood that you would do one cycle and have a baby. I’d want the best frozens in part due to your age. You might want a second or third child. FET is so much less expensive than a fresh cycle. I would check the SART site (Google SART IVF). Clinics need to load their data onto the site, and you know it is accurate. Where I live most of the clinics are very poor. Their pregnancy rate is average or below average (can you imagine a success rate of 25% for DE IVF?), and people still go there. None of the 6-8 clinics in my area has any success with frosties, and I live in a major metro area with 5-6 million people. While their data are poor, you’d swear they were average or above from talking to the REs. Personally, I’d go with the numbers over local or bedside manner any day for DE IVF. It is all about the doctor’s hands and the embryologist’s skills.

Best of luck!


My husband and I tried for ten yrs and never once got pregnant, we tried lots of different things and finally decided one last chance to use DE. As much as we hoped and dreamed about getting pregnant after 10yrs I just expected this wouldn’t work. I was excited because with younger eggs I though we would get several to freeze and give us more chances. I was really disappointed that we only ended up with 2 embryos on day 3 for transfer, and kept thinking if this doesn’t work what will we do, we were completely out of money and our insurance won’t cover a single thing. I am happy to say that we are pregnant with twins and very excited. So yes it can work the first time!! For me it was all about positive thought. From the day of transfer I rubbed my belly and talked to the embryos telling them to grow, divide, and snuggle in for the journey. Any time I got nervous or even thought anything negative I just made myself change my mind frame and say they are growing and doing great.
I was so much more nervous this cycle with the DE than the previous 2 IVFs we did. Partly because I felt helpless like I couldn’t control anything, funny thing is the previous cycles using my eggs were out of my control to, this time was just different. We used fresh eggs from our donor, just because chances were higher, and yes a FET cycle is so much cheaper if you have frosties. To tell or not tell is up to you guys, we told, most of our friends and family had been on our long journey with us and were always very supportive, but that was just our experience. Yes you have ignorant people who won’t understand and you just have to prepare for that. Because we picked a donor with similar coloring to mine I am sure I will hear comments about how they look like me and I plan to just smile and say thank you, over the years I expect they will pick up some of my mannerisms so to me I will take as a compliment. But these babies are mine, and I’m nourishing them and giving them life and now I rarely think that they didn’t start from my eggs. Our journey has been LONG and heartbreaking, but looking back I wouldn’t change a thing, because it brought us to this point, to my little 7wk embryos, with tiny beating hearts, and a lifetime of memories we can’t wait to make. The long journey has made this experience now so much more exciting, and not just for us but also for the hundreds of friends, family, and others who were with us. We have been lucky to have tons of support. So again yes, DE can work the first time, even when things look bleak and dreary.

Good Luck


Love your blog! The clinic I’ve been going to has a 58% success with frozen DE per SART in 2011. Your FET schedule looks very similar to the plan my RE provided me with almost identical meds, just different dosages. I was asking in regard to FET, so thank you! Super helpful! I hope we have embies to freeze, successful or not… siblings?! I have been looking at the psych consult as pass/fail, so you’ve really eased my mind. Thank you so much for all your helpful advice!!!


Oh, and definitely keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for your FET!!!


Thank you so much! I love that you talked to your babies! How can you not think positively while doing that?! Congrats on your twins!!! Prayers sent for a happy, healthy pregnancy!!!


WoW! What a cost difference! I had no idea FET was “affordable”! That helps put me at ease if the first IVF with DE doesn’t work. I’ve been researching clinics all week. I didn’t realize I could go straight to the SART data website. So awesome! Thank you!!!


Linda Lou- I too am having distress about this too! Our donor has retrieved and we were suppose to transfer the end of Sept! But for some reason I’m panicking! Like high anxiety with that anxious feelings! I’ve tried questioning myself about what’s going on! Is it the whole donor part itself? Do I want a second child right now? Am I scared because I know my chances are higher? Have I given myself enough time to grieve over the 6 fresh failed attempts of ivf? I’m I scared it might not work and I have to re-feel all those feelings of disappointment again! I have postponed our transfer (our embryos and eggs are frozen)! I am and have set up future appointments with the therapist that did our evaluation for our infertility specialist! I know this much! They (the therapist) are there for a reason! And for a piece of mind for my household and any child in the future I want to be in a better state of mind! What I did learn during my evaluation appointment was its ok if you don’t share with family and friends about it being from a donor. It was important to share it (age appropriate and if you wanted too) with your child to possibly avoid any dishonest feelings between the parent and child. And as the child got older “they” have the choice of sharing with whom ever they want! The money part of it will all fall into place. Right now my clinic is doing a Donor Study for vitrification and our cost were about $12,000! That includes everything! Jones institute norfolk, va! I wish you the best of luck and reading your post hit home for me!