With the holidays approaching it seems like the sadness is getting to much. So much, I think it is turning to anger, so I just need to vent to people who might understand and hopefully won’t judge.
I had a son 13 years ago whose father left us. During the next four years, I got my bachelor’s degree, while I raised him by myself and then moved across the country to start my career.
Shortly after moving, I met my now husband and we married a year and a half later. Unfortunately, just a week after we were married my husband ended up in the ICU for 10 days with a blood clot. When he came home we decided to wait a bit until he was completely healthy before trying to have another child. Unfortunately his health didn’t fully recover and he required another surgery and hospitalization.
The good news, the surgery was a success and he fully recovered. The bad news, for reasons no one can explain, it left him sterile. The doctors told us to keep trying and just wait a few years, it would turn around. It never did.
We are not candidates for adoption because of health histories. We tried foster care, but ultimately decided it wasn’t right for us. So we went to fertility treatments that didn’t work.
That brings us to last spring, when with heavy hearts we made the decision to move on. The next week my older sister called to say she was pregnant, unexpectedly. A week later she called to say it was twins. Two weeks later my little brother called to say they were expecting.
I assured everyone I was happy for them, and sent baby blankets I had crocheted. Over the next several months as my sister became bedridden, I regularly took her other children to the pool and had them over for slumber parties. I helped clean the house and make space for the babies and when they were born, I waited for hours with the other children in the waiting room so they could meet the babies right away.
I don’t begrudge them their happiness and I was honored to be a part of it all, but I am tired. Just last week the brother’s wife had a healthy baby and they regularly call for advice. Then another sister called to say she was expecting. I have already sent gifts, but I feel myself shutting down a little. No one understands that we are grieving and it is lonely.
I guess I need to hear that it is okay to be too sad to be a part of all this anymore. My sister with the twins lives close and I have seen them some since they were born, but I truly don’t want to see them right now. I know when the little sister has her baby, I am the only one who could reasonably go out to help, but I don’t want to.
Am I really that selfish?
Sorry for the incredibly long post, it has been a long year.