Just tired of dealing with relatives!


#1

I know it’s wrong to hate the fact that everyone else I know is pregnant and I’m not. I know I’m supposed to be happy for every pregnant person but it’s just not that easy!
I feel like sometimes I want to scream! I’m definitely tired of having each one of my younger cousins, cousins-in-law, and friends have babies left and right. Why not me? I know that sounds selfish and childish!

DH and I have been married for 3 years and TTC for 2. But have been together for 12 total. We’re older so naturally, our relatives and more pushy than normal.

I also come from an immigrant family which means all filter goes out the door. Even had my dad ask my DH if he knew how to do it right. - eww gross! Every remark is straight to the point and made as a joke, but it’s not funny. Remarks like “still nothing”, “can’t believe I got pregnant before you”, “waiting on you”, and “what are you waiting for?” UGH!!!

It’s not like we can just come out and say it out loud. So everything is a secret. We just put on a happy face and just say…“We’re not not trying”.

When in fact, we’re trying our hardest, spending all this time and money we don’t have, but nothing is working.
They don’t see me taking meds, having my vag probed twice a month, me crying whenever I see the :bfn: on my hpts, or the fights DH and I have due to frustration and lack of money.

It’s to the point where I don’t want to call or visit my family at all in order to avoid any questions or insensitive remarks.

But we can’t avoid them forever, this month, we have to visit both sides of the fam. And here’s the kicker…we have to attend Baby showers for one of his cousins and one of mines. This is gonna be fun! NOT!

I just need some advice on how to deal!

I really don’t want to start crying at these events or worse, blow up on someone.

How do I put on a happy face without crying or getting angry??


#2

I feel for you! My MIL got weird after the first mc. Since then, I have lost track of how many of my cousins have gotten pg. Irefuse to respond to baby shower invites.I even spoke to my dr office. The NP said, “You have to take care of yourself. If that means saying you can’t go, say it.” If they love you, they will understand. We began this infertility journey in silence. I chose to let everyone know, because I would rather they know we are struggling than thinking that I am just nuts. I have isolated myself form a lot of people, and it is taking so long! We are enduring yet another 2ww this time for our first IVF. Know you are not alone! I hope you can find peace for yourself. FIL actually told DH not to blame them for “something you can’t do” because MIL is going through menopause and was flipping the h3ll out every 2 wks while I was ovulating!


#3

I also did the silent battle for two years. Nothing good comes from it. I am European with a similar family…NO FILTER…so those two years put a huge strain on my sanity…I also developed some SERIOUS acne from the stress. I found that once I told everyone, things got a bit easier, mentally. People stopped asking me why I don’t have a child…blah blah blah. Be forewarned though…telling people the truth turns into the pitty eyes from family and friends. I rather the pitty eyes then the verbal diarrhea that comes out of their mouths though.


#4

I totally understand! I have wanted to have a baby for so long and it took 15+ years to convince dh that he wanted one, too. I never imagined it would take so long and that I would hear so much crap from people in all those years about when I’ll be having a baby or when am I going to be pregnant. I had the hardest time when i found out my youngest brother had his 3rd child the day I found out about my first bfn after doing ivf. I then had my sister drop the bombshell of being pregnant a month later. I chose not to tell my family about our ivf journey but recently had surgery and my mom found out. Now she is constantly asking me why I don’t want people to know and wonder why I wouldn’t tell everyone because “the more people you have praying for you, the better your chances”. I just want to not have to explain my reasoning for things!
I am sure you are like me, and just want to be pregnant already! I hate the waiting game and the depression that apparently comes with each heart-breaking bfn.
I have found that staying away from the baby stuff–showers and such–helps a little bit. I’m not sure anything really takes away the sting of it all. Having a secure plan for another try always seems to slightly help me, but then I get impatient. It’s a never ending battle, I’m afraid!
I pray we will all soon get to have our dream of motherhood come true! :grouphug:


#5

I also want to share how tired of dealing with our relatives my wife and I have become. We are both very close to our respective as well as each other’s families so we are always expected to attend every family event, gathering and reunion.

Through the years that we had been failing to get pregnant, we’ve heard more than our share of insensitive comments. It doesn’t get easier to deal with over time. What is even more frustrating is the fact that most of them are quite well-educated. We expect a lot more understanding from them, but I guess all the education in the world won’t change a person if he or she is really insensitive at the core.

Now, there are some of them who do understand and are supportive, but those that aren’t far outnumber them and they also talk a whole lot more.

During these past two years, we’ve started missing these events more and more because we don’t want to hear their questions and insensitive comments anymore. We thought staying away would help but it doesn’t. When we abruptly left one of our New Year’s parties, we later found out through Facebook that a lot of them had talked about us. This talking-behind-our-backs has been another thing that is tough to accept.

It has been quite depressing because we do love them and just wish that they could be more understanding and supportive in the right way.


#6

Hey Joeld…The problem is that people who are not directly going through fertility, or who never had to go through fertility, just don’t understand. Someone once said to me “all you have to do is have more sex” - that’s all? Why didn’t I think of that!!! I believe that was my response.

My fear for myself, and for people going through fertility, is that we will forget who we are. I forgot how to have a good time, and that there is a world outside of my own fertility obsession. One day I woke up and accepted that this is MY personal journey, and I was able to start to enjoy parties again. People quickly learned that it was NOT okay to ask me about children and we all get along just fine within those boundaries :slight_smile: